Merry Xmas, Everybody

Here is a list of Ireland's three greatest cultural achievements in reverse order:

3) James Joyce's Dubliners;

2) Guinness stout;

1) This old toothless drunken dude's little Christmas song.

This Business of Show

So some dude is making a film about the Replacements called Color Me Obsessed. The gimmick is that he is partially funding it with money raised from the general public. There are, of course, a number of contribution levels. For a mere $30, you get a "Special thanks to" listing in the film and a DVD of the finished product. For $500, you will get listed as an Associate Producer and be included in the film's currently non-existent IMDB page. For $2,000, you will be an Executive Producer, have your story about the Replacements included in the film and be invited to the film's premiere, presumably to be held in Minneapolis (or St. Paul.)

I'm thinking I need to put in at least $30 for this thing. Unless we decide to start TNPP Films, in which case we can pitch in $50 and get the 11" x 17" poster for our production office.

Autotune is dead

and Herbert Midgley killed it.

Then and now

"calling 1-8-7 on a motherfucking carp"

The exhilaration of being shot at unsuccessfully

The Rogue Film School will not teach anything technical related to film-making. For this purpose, please enroll at your local film school.

Eight Fragments for Jim Carroll

I

Unlike your average published poet, Jim Carroll was a high-school basketball star in New York City in the 60s. It's how he got a scolarship to a posh Catholic school (there are such things apparently) and how he was, as mentioned in The Basketball Diaries, excited to be playing in a national all-star game because Lewie Alcindor from the neighborhood would also be playing. He certainly would have been a starter in college had he not had other plans. Like heroin.

II

Carroll makes one of the best arguments for drug education. In The Basketball Diaries he mentions thinking that pot was addictive while heroin was not. He did say no to drugs, just the wrong one.

III

His first rock album, Catholic Boy, is one of the greatest punk rock records ever released. Half of the songs are awesome (People Who Died, Catholic Boy, It's Too Late, Nothing is True and Three Sisters) and the rest are okay. I love how in the title track he lists how he has had all the sacraments including EXTREME UNCTION, because he's that much of a badass. The album is so perfect that there was no place to go but down. While he recorded another three discs, none is considered to be nearly as good.

IV

People Who Died has poetic lyrics in the best sense, not in the bullshit poetry-slam sense. This makes it really fun to sing. For instance take this couplet:

G-berg and Georgie let their gimmicks go rotten
So they died of hepatitis in upper Manhattan

The repeated Gs and Rs in the first line and the repeated Ts in the second line provide the rhythm, while rotten and Manhattan are actually perfectly rhymed if you say them as Carroll does without the annoying vowels between the Ts and Ns. It also tells you a lot about the particular situation once you figure out that gimmicks means heroin paraphernalia.

V

Good as Catholic Boy is, The Basketball Diaries is really Carroll's biggest accomplishment. The diary was written while he was still in high school and published when he was 30 in 1978. It is an endlessly re-readable book, mostly because it's really a collection of dozens of perfectly-crafted anecdotes. His follow-up diary, Forced Entries about living in Manhattan in the early 70s is also a great read.

VI

The Basketball Diaries was optioned for film repeatedly from its release to its actual production in 1995. I suspect he made way more money from all the film options than from anything else he ever did.

VII

The movie fails for two reasons: it was predictably turned into an anti-drug message and almost every single character has a bigger presence than star Leonardo DiCaprio. It's hard to suspend disbelief when the guy who's a hoop star/published poet/junkie is about 5' 5", looks about 12 and comes across as a wimp. Among the people who come across better than DiCaprio in this movie are Lorraine Bracco (Melfi, sure), Bruno Kirby (a character actor), Ernie Hudson (another one), Mark Wahlberg (weird, but it was the first hint that he wasn't totally useless), Juliette Lewis (what?!) and Jim Carroll himself (his cameo is pretty awesome actually.)

VIII

There is a good argument to be made that Jim Carroll was the last of the American popular poets (Jewel doesn't count.) As far as poetry goes, this is his best known piece.

Videos Canadians consider cool

On our recent trip to Montreal (which, admittedly, as as much "Canada" as San Francisco is "America"), we stopped in at MAC, the Musée d'Art Contemporain, to check out their exhibit of music videos. Here are the three most interesting.

Emily Haines & the Soft Skeleton: Our Hell.



Kaiser Chiefs: Love's Not a Competition (But I'm Winning). Lovely use of the single shot. And the guy sitting by the Columbus Circle fountain is pointedly reading Viz. Sadly, Big Record doesn't like embedding, so you'll have to watch it here.

And the winner for nerdiest, Grip: zZz is Playing:


There's also a nine-minute making-of piece, so you can see how it's done (Levon, I'm looking in your direction).

26 Reds and a Bottle of Wine

You can add Jim Carroll to the list of People Who Died. I think it's safe to say we won't see a better hoopster/diarist/poet/rocker in our lifetime.

Too Soon?

Hmm...

Bad cop

New stills are up from Werner Herzog's remake Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans. While Abel Ferrara is said to be "very angry" about this film (Abel Ferrara vs. Werner Herzog: Smackdown!), and it's saddled with a title that's bound to confuse gamers looking for the next Grand Theft Auto installment, this remake offers "Paycheck" Cage potential redemption from his recent string of playing losers where he is either a freak who knows the future or a freak who knows the future.

"I see your tits in my future"

Let's hope Herzog fights the urge to reprise Harvey Keitel's full frontal. We can do without the Cage take on that.

Seanbaby est dans la maison

This experiment may shock you.
Your favorite song might be
genetically linked directly or
indirectly to “Sussudio.”
We’re all about to see how
thin a line we’re all walking
between enjoying catchy music
and having a family of dicks
hibernating in our mouths.

Luxuriante, chef de brillants, les cheveux en bonne santé

Our new Pantene Pro-V2 line is
ideal for vigorously working
that special someone's member without
the soreness
and discomfort
caused by other shampoos,"
spokeswoman Karen Radcliffe said.

"And I hardly even need to mention
the inherent difficulties
of using exfoliating body scrubs

with oatmeal," Jablonski added.

"I even bought the
extra
soft
companion
chamois,"
Sandford said. "Jerking
[boyfriend] Doug [O'Brien]
off every

single

morning

using L'Oréal conditioner used to be
such a chore.
But with this new Pantene,

Doug's back
to sleep
and I'm off
to class
and looking great in no time.

[Orig]

À la recherche du muffin perdu

Overheard, transcribed, and turned into poetry:

10 seconds
In the microwave and they’re just wonderful.
But they’ve been gone from the machine
for like two weeks.
I mean they’re SO good. And now
They’re not in there.
I don’t know why they’re not in there.

But they’re so good.
Not too rich, not too dry.
Just great.
I think they’re called
Like
McKinleoo’s brand
Or something.

There’s lots of other stuff in the vending machine,
But not those muffins.
They were in the left side, I think.
I don’t know why they’re not in there anymore.
Is it because we changed
To new machines? I really loved them.

Had them all the time.
10 seconds in the microwave.

The Most Awesome Song You Will Hear This Year

The deal is, he's at the Pizza Hut (what?), he's at the Taco Bell (what?), he's at the combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell.

Reviews of Random Movies

Thanks to the magic of digital video recording and one-day solo business trips to New York, I've seen three movies worth commenting on.

Diary of the Dead

The latest George Romero zombie flick is a worthwhile addition to the series. As is traditional, the movie cost nothing, stars no one and never mentions the word "zombie." Although the story is set in Pennsylvania, it was filmed in Ontario. The gore is very good, perhaps most memorably when a feisty deaf Amish geezer reacts to being bitten by driving a sickle through his face and that of the zombie standing behind him. The requisite social commentary is how these kids today with their youtubes and their facebooks care more about capturing images than actually reacting to them. Stupid kids.

One, Two, Three

From 1961, this frantic Billy Wilder comedy stars James Cagney as Coca-Cola's man in West Berlin. The Iron Curtain humor seems nostalgically cute at this point, although it was very cutting-edge at the time (the Berlin Wall went up as the film was being shot.) Most importantly it shows how to properly make references: Cagney's office cuckoo clock plays Yankee Doodle Dandy and he later threatens to ram a grapefruit in Horst Buchholz's face. See Tarantino, that's how it's done.

Summer Hours

I went to the craziest place in New York: they actually charge money to project a movie, like you normally would watch on a TV or laptop, on a white screen. Weirdest thing I've seen. Don't think it will ever catch on.

Anyway, this is guaranteed to be the most mesmerizing French movie about estate law you could ever see. A great decaying country mansion, lush gardens, authentic Impressionist artwork, heartfelt emotions, eloquent conversations and how to avoid French estate taxes by donating articles to the Musee d'Orsay; the movie has it all. The only distraction is Juliette Binoche's blonde hair. Seriously, it's wrong. It's almost as distracting as when Xena appears as a blonde.

Yes

Yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.

Top 14 Covers of Neutral Milk Hotel's "Holland 1945," At Least 9 of Them by Chicks In Their Bedrooms Playing A Guitar or Ukelele

1. beleam I could watch this all day.
   
2. thricedotted
   
3. Gizzard the wizard
4. cutemusicmaker
5. wuvablez
6. amccarty2562
7. lawlzbrytni
8. PippinMercury
9. CommonlyCliched
10. Jeff Magnum
    
11. deathfornoreason
12. The Humms
13. soybomb43
14. Greg Jehanian nails the essence of the song.
    

* Okay, so the title is slightly misleading. One is by the original singer/songwriter.

FlamingBaconLanceOfDeath!

I'm sorry, Elmer, but this knocks SpearAndMagicHelmet into a cocked hat.

Whatever that means.

Dancing Bear & a little of the old ultraviolence

I am not normally a hockey fan even though I come from North Dakota, but I have been watching the Boston Bruins the latter half of the season and into the playoffs. they have a legitimate chance at the Cup. One of the other great things about them is their Boston Bruins Hockey Rules commercial campaign. The Bear is cool. Who can't get behind a Bear doing The Robot and the cheesy song?



See the other three - "Date", "Tuck In" and "Hang Up" on YouTube by searching Boston Bruins Hockey Rules.

As an added bonus, here is the "MVP Shift" that made Milan Lucic a folk hero in Vancouver junior hockey that was written up in the Boston Globe last week. Hint, he is the guy doling out the hits.



I don't know what else says Canadian Hockey like frosted tips. This was 2007. Could have used a mullet, IMO.

Welcome to Natstown!

It has been a while since I saw something worth linking in SOSH. But this long thread on the hapless 4-15 Washington Nationals is fantastic reading. Highlights include:

• The TV ads showing team highlights feature a dramatic win on a game-winning walk and this one time where one of their scrub pitchers beat John Smoltz.
• Julian Tavarez might be their most effective reliever.
• After a long rain-delay they finished a home game in front of maybe 84 people.
• They had players wearing home jerseys that read N-A-T-I-N-A-L-S, without the "O."
• They race mascots of the Mt. Rushmore presidents between innings; Teddy Roosevelt did not win a single time last year.

I hope someone somewhere is writing a book about this awful, awful team.

Sing-along-a-global-financial-meltdown

Nine Important "Cold as Ice" Covers

1. Starsplash. Are you Ready? Are you Ready? If you can watch no other Cold as Ice, this would, uuh, be the one to watch.
2. M.O.P. is willing to sacrifice.
3. Hardcore Masif: That's three so far working the speedup and pitchshifting. Enough already.
4. Stingray and Sonicdriver: aaw christ more pitchshifting.
5. Who the hell are the dirty hippies in this one? Is that Billy Joel with them? WTF?
6. Nylon Tapestry never takes advice, and someday will pay the price.
7. Jerry Taft does a Shatneresque spoken word interpretation. Has this guy been on Law and Order? I thought everybody has. IMDB says he played "Guard" on "Murder, She Wrote." Close enough.
8. Kenny and the Captains gets points for the concept, but we'll subtract a mark for the half-assed effort.
9. Learn to make your own!
   

Oh...My...God!

I can die happy and this will speed the process. I must add this to my next PiiaB recipe.

Closest store to Boston that sells is a Stop & Shop in Riverhead, NY. 120-mile road trip?

Bacon Lip Balm is available from the web site, too. Would Bacon Lip Balm improve someone's chances of hooking up if wearing that?

Maybe?

http://penny-arcade.com/comic/2009/4/22/

Nerd humor

Dinosaurs and http.

Worst. Wedding. Song. Evar.

http://www.weddingwire.com/20-inappropriate-wedding-songs.html

I'm going with Better Man, Pearl Jam.

And throw in Princess Superstar's Bad Babysitter as a runner up, to inspire some fear in the guests as well.

Random Funny Stuff

In lieu of making an appearance at MSX last night, here's some random funny stuff I've seen in the last week:

• McSweeney's brings you a one-act play titled A-Rod on Opening Day. Featuring Esteban Loaiza. By the way, I love the new baseball-reference.
• One of the few pluses of aging is losing the need to hold back on your feelings. Which explains why Roger Ebert is sharing his thoughts on noted assclown Bill O'Reilly.
• On Flak Radio they explained the Anal Car Game. You basically add the word "anal" to a car model's name, with hilarity often ensuing. It's not new or anything: this is College Humor's top 25 list, which is pretty good but somehow misses the Explorer and the Expedition. I'm guessing this exercise does explain how Ford names their models.
• I had to explain to Smores T. Catt, Esq. that it was important for her to quiet down so I could concentrate on reading this article in the Onion.
• The poorly drawn, absurd and obscene Modern Toss comics from the UK are now being shown in cartoon form on IFC. The breakout star is definitely Mr. Tourette, master signwriter.

Throwedest on the microphone

Because Stuff White People Like wasn't enough:

Understand Rap: Rap Music Explained.

Example:
"them ain't high-beams bitch - my wrist is on"
The diamonds on my bracelet are so shiny you might mistake the glare from them as high-beam lights of a vehicle.

Example:
"take your diamonds and throw 'em up like you bulimic"
Here, Mr. West is referencing the sign made with two hands creating a diamond shape framed by the thumbs and index fingers in recognition of Roc-A-Fella, and making a pun about the eating disorder bulimia, characterized by the violent expulsion of food.

Ventriloquism as it should be done

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_vM5hKE_-c

2009 World Baseball Classic Ends

So the second World Baseball Classic has come to an end and once again Japan has won as Ichiro's tenth inning two-run single provided the difference in the championship game. For the second time, Mr. WBC Daisuke Matsuzaka won all three of his starts and was named tournament MVP. In the end, the tournament confirmed that not only are the Japanese better at manufacturing cars and bringing about the future killer robot apocalypse, but they are also better than anyone at baseball. And the US kind of sucks at all of these things.

Round 2 - Pool 1: Japan, Korea, Cuba, Mexico
Japan won the second round pool by beating the Cubans 6-0 behind Matsuzaka, then losing to the Koreans 4-1, then shutting out Cuba again 5-0 and finally beating Korea by a 6-2 score. The Koreans advanced to the semi-finals by drubbing Mexico 8-2 in their first game and winning one of their Japan games. The Cubans beat Mexico 7-4 but failed to score against the Japanese in two tries, leaving Comrade Fidel to complain about how Cubans never swing at the first pitch and they got lumped in the same pool as the two best teams in the tournament.

Round 2 - Pool 2: Venezuela, USA, Puerto Rico, Netherlands
As in the first round, Venezuela won their pool over the United States. Both teams got an easy game against the lucky honkbalers of the Netherlands, finally dispatching them from the tournament. This highlighted some of the unfairness of the double-elimination tournament: Puerto Rico beats the US 11-1 by mercy rule and are rewarded with a game against King Felix Hernandez and Venezuela while the US gets the Netherlands. After Puerto Rico is shut out by Venezuela, they take on the US again and this time the 'murkns pull off a ninth-inning rally to eliminate Puerto Rico. I guess counting on journeymen like JC Romero and Fernando Cabrera to close a big game was asking for trouble. After their lucky escape against Puerto Rico, the US got beaten by Venezuela again 10-6, leaving the Venezuelans with a 2-1 edge for the tournament.

Final Round: Japan, Korea, Venezuela, United States
The US was eliminated by Japan and Mr. WBC by a 9-4 margin. The US ended up with a 4-4 record in the tournament. Venezuela was soundly beaten 10-2 by Korea, but they finished with a 6-2 record in the tournament. With their finals loss to Japan, Korea went 6-3, losing all of their games to Japan. Japan, on the other hand, went 7-2 losing both games to Korea.

We'll see what happens in the next Classic, slated for 2013, provided we haven't been nuked to the verge of extinction by our household appliances.

Winning Ugly

Famed print hatchet man Matt Taibbi describes in excruciating detail the ugliest athletes out there, starting with our very own Greek God of Walks. Bonus points for including all-time all-ugly team superstar Don Mossi.

The subtle art of advertising

Turn Around

Wat, seven goddamn pages of Total Eclipse of the Heart videos?!? So much dreck -- which of these covers of Jim Steinman's epic is the Greatest. Evar.?

We'll leave the classic Nikki French disco version out of contention, as that would be like giving Sidney Lumet another Oscar after his Lifetime Achievement Consolation Prize. Let's break it down:

1. Sifl-n-Olly inspired bedroom casio interpretation. The gag gets old after the first 30 seconds.
2. Hurra Torpedo. Waitaminute. Are they mocking the song? Show some goddamn respect.
3. The Dan Band. At a wedding. With a fog machine. Ow Ow Ow. (If you've eaten recently, go with the live version instead).
4. Daker should learn how to play the banjo before posting his bullshit. It's called fingerpicking moran. Or take a lesson from Outhouse Explosion.
5. At least Dr. Beardface keeps it under 3 minutes. Did he record that in his cube?
   
6. Tori Amos sucks. So does Westlife.
   
7. Kiki and Herb. I'm not sure that chick's cans are real.
   
8. Runner up: Chompy the Gator. I LOLd. That's the best singing burger since Better off Dead.
   

Aaaw fuck it. I can't take any more. The winner: Sewing With Nancy's utterly credible ska/hardcore rave-up. Kickass.

That's Gimmick Infringement!

We were at CVS yesterday when I spotted this blatant intellectual-asset thivery in the frozen food section:

Clearly, this was ripped off from the legendary KP invention of PiiaB. Like other cheap corporate knock-offs of great ideas, this one is a pale version of the original providing a mere 132% of your cholesterol RDA per serving for the bacon version, skipping the pickles, ommiting the horseradish and providing just a flimsy plastic container as opposed to a solid bowl made out of pure sadness.

KP should get his lawyer on the phone now.

It ain't coca-cola it's rice

Two cool tweaks of the Clash's Straight to Hell:

1. Lily Allen
2. MIA
   

One not quite as cool:

1. clintstrel
   

2009 World Baseball Classic Roundup

Even though it gets significantly less news coverage than the process of determining the 65 best minor-league basketball teams in the nation, this year's World Baseball Classic has been very entertaining. Here is a brief summary of the happenings of the past ten days.

Pool A: Korea, Japan, China, Taiwan
Korea came back from getting humiliated 14-2 by Japan to win the pool, beating Japan in a rematch by a 1-0 score. Even with the absurdity in run differential, it matters little as both teams advanced to the second round. Taiwan was a huge disappointment, losing to both Korea (expected) and China (unexpected.) China's win over Taiwan was their highlight, making up for the two massive beatings they received from Korea (14-0 and 9-0.)

Pool B: Cuba, Mexico, Australia, South Africa
You have to hand it to Fidel Castro: he may know squat about running an economy, but he knows that bunting sucks. It's one of those cheap ironies of life that if Castro had been a murderous right-wing thug as opposed to totalitarian pinko, he would be a folk hero in America. Perhaps W. should blog about baseball too. Anyway, his team won three straight to take the pool and advance. Mexico joined them after overcoming an embarassing 17-7 mercy-rule drubbing from the Australians in their home stadium. Mexico came back by beating the hapless South Africans and returning the favor to Australia 16-1. (Please note that Mexico City is way above sea level, which explains the silly scores.) Australia played Cuba tight, losing 5-4, but ended up empty-handed, except for offensive star Chris Snelling who got a contract from the Padres for his efforts.

Pool C: Venezuela, USA, Italy, Canada
Like Korea, the Venezuelans split two games with the other qualifier, the US, but they won the second match-up (5-3) and thus won the pool. While the US did stomp Venezuela 15-6 in their first meeting they did struggle to beat Canada 6-5 earlier. Italy, a team made up of a whole bunch of Americans with Italian sounding names, knocked off the host Canadians by a 6-2 score, then were themselves eliminated by Venezuela 10-1. Had the Italians fielded a similar team in the '40s, their outfield would have been, from left to right, DiMaggio, DiMaggio, DiMaggio.

Pool D: Puerto Rico, Netherlands, Dominican Republic, Panama
The best of the four pools was this one, played out in San Juan. The Panamanians continued their winless history in the WBC, losing their two games by a combined 16-0. In the biggest upset of the tournament, the Netherlands, led by fat Caribbean islanders like Sidney Ponson and Randall Simon beat a Dominican team full of all-stars not once, but twice: 3-2 and 2-1. At least Pedro Martinez looked good, striking out six in two three-inning stints, while only giving up one hit. Thus the stupid Dutch prevented the long-awaited DR-PR showdown, treating the locals instead to two rematches of the failed 17th century Dutch invasion of the island. Once again, the Puerto Ricans relied on strong defense, timely hitting and dysentery to dispatch the tulip-growers by scores of 3-1 and 5-0. Both teams advanced to the next round.

In the first day of the second round in Miami, Venezuela beat the Dutch, who refer to this sport as honkbal for fuck's sake, 3-1. The nightcap saw Puerto Rico and the disappointing Javier Vazquez beat the crap out of the USA and the overrated Jake Peavy 11-1. The game coming to a screeching halt in the bottom of the seventh when a two-run single by Mike Aviles invoked the mercy rule. Clearly, Dustin Pedroia would not have let this happen had he been playing. Regardless, Puerto Rico is undefeated in four games and stands one victory away from the final round. I'm as shocked as anybody.

Not Available in Stores

Kutiman's remix/mashup/sampleathon opus thru-you.com is all the more astonishing when you dig into his source material. Kutiman does not lean on familiar riffs. He builds his hooks from the long tail of YouTube musical miscellanea. While there are obvious talents like Dadasara and ElexisTrinity, the singers on Someday and I M New (might Kutiman do for ElexisTrinity what Eminem did for Dido?), the vast majority of his source is the common and mediocre.

Watch tadois, the drummer sampled on Babylon Band. Kutiman transforms his amateur slosh into a breakbeat that Goldie could have written. The tweaked baseline on I M New has The Juice, where the original was little but a sketch. Dozens of experimenters and dilettantes have chanced into playing parts in an artistic and technical masterpiece, but the credit is mostly with Kutiman.

This is a major talent.

Why You Should Watch The Wire

The AV Club rightfully names this one of the greatest scenes in TV history. Oh and it's NSFW due to language and boobs. Also.

First it was Bruce...

Obscure Irish Bar Band at the Somerville Theatre.

"Moneyball"

The rest of the story.

MOBA's West Wing

There's really no way to describe these totally crappy paintings of our new president. Let's just say the words "monkey" and "tweeter" come to mind.

Next

In Next, Lee Tamahori's craptacular spectacle, Nicholas Cage can see two minutes into the future. That's probably far enough for him to discern the declining trajectory of his career. Rather than, say, rake in an anonymous bundle day trading, Cage puts on a 3rd rate downtown Vegas magic act, and in his downtime mystifies the casinos' Eyes In The Sky with his flawless blackjack game. "He's not counting, not at the top of a five-deck shoe." It's Magic! Fuck You!

The FBI, who don't go to the corner store without rolling a convoy of CTU-office-in-a-trucks, sends paycheck-collecting Julianne Moore to size up his act and "ask" for his help, "ask" being FBI-talk for prying Cage's eyelids open Clockwork-Orange-style. Vaguely European Loose Nuking bad guys (yeah, Euro, it's like we're going back in time to Die Hard 1) are so far up the ass of the FBI that they glom onto Cage at the same time, apparently certain that if some FBI idiot wants to bet her career that Cage's prestidigitator act is for reals, well it must be so, and their Entire Fucking Nefarious Terrorist Plot is at risk. Why do the Bad Guy Shitheads spend their time following around the FBI instead of getting their bomb shit together? Who knows? It was in the script.

After a useless romantic subplot trip to an Indian reservation in the Grand Canyon, written into the script, I Shit You Not, because Cage-the-actor went there on his honeymoon (I learned this on the "making of" extra feature -- don't ask, I was trying out the new blu-ray player), Cage accompanies the FBI to LA to save his kidnapped and bombed-up GF Jessica Biel and, oh yeah, save LA from that Nuke. They immediately encounter what, well, how about we have 25 or so henchmen with machine guns running around, what, I dunno... I KNOW! How about a big industrial building on the docks? I've never seen that in every fucking A-Team episode!! Cage will use his superfuturepower to spot the shooters, tipping off the thankful FBI agents, and, I swear to fuckin God, disarm their LASER TRIP MINES THAT THEY STOLE FROM DUKE NUKEM 3D! But in all the fun Cage and the FBI forgot there was a giant fucking bomb somewhere and whoops, will Cage Make a mistake and KA-FUCKING-BOOM, bye bye LA?!? Will they Do That??

I have some questions:

1. Where does Cage's power come from? Why does Biel extend Cage's foresight? True Love? I'm just guessing here. Really?
2. If the FBI can kill the signal to the sniper's cellfone, why can't they also jam the one on Biel's Body Bomb? (and why does that sound like a shampoo?)
3. It was all a dream? YOU HAVE TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME. THAT'S THE BEST YOU COULD DO? If you can wind back half the fucking movie, why don't you go clear to the start, and GIVE ME MY 92 MINUTES BACK! FUCK!!
   

They had plenty of budget and three good actors. Even Cage, who was excellent in The Weather Man, and, well, made a convincing junior burger slinger in Fast Times. All they were missing is a Fucking Story, and maybe Biel's signoff to show her tits.

I like a good bad movie as much as the next guy, but this shit makes me lose faith in the movie-industrial complex. Fuck all yall.

Best. Oscar. Acceptance. Evar.

Suck it Roberto Benini.

A perfect metaphor for Mets baseball

Imagine that tower were the Mets playoff chances on September 15. The video epitomizes the period from September 15 until the end of the season.



The Final Demise of Shea Stadium. Site of El and KP road trip to NYC in 1992. Second highlight after drinking martinis and watching "Father Goose" starring Cary Grant and Leslie Caron in a Times Square bar in the early afternoon.

Génériques de l'enfer (theme songs from hell)

Q: What's worse than the theme songs from crappy prime-time TV action shows?

A: The theme songs from crappy prime-time TV action shows in French.

Item: Starsky et Hutch



Huggy Bear evidently translates as "Huggy Good-Pipes"; whether that refers to his excellent singing technique is unclear.

Item: The Fall Guy (aka L'homme qui tombe à pic)



Totally loses the brilliance of the English lyrics:

I've gotten burned over Cheryl Tiegs,
Blown up for Raquel Welch.
But when I end up in the hay it's only hay, Hey Hey.
I might jump an open drawbridge,
Or Tarzan from a vine.
'Cause I'm the unknown stuntman that makes Eastwood look so fine.

Item: The A-Team (aka L'Agence tous risques)
What do you mean there are no lyrics? Regardez! Ecoutez!



Avec Monsieur T dans le rôle de Baracuda. This also gets the prize for sounding most like a local ad for a cut-price grocery store.

That is all.

Five haiku about people and their frickin' BlackBerrys

LIBRARY
The tiny keyboard
Still makes enough of a sound
To distract, bastard

KINDERGARTEN TOUR
Very important
The future of his children
Never once looks up

THE PARK
A child on a swing
Daddy, daddy, higher please
But he is texting

STARBUCKS
Can I help you sir?
Excuse me, can I help you?
Sir? Can I help you?

GOTHAM BAR
All businessman types
Emailing just like at work
But here they are drunk

(Stolen from Banterist)

Doing it wrong

I thought I'd done it. I thought I'd discovered the least necessary cover in the history of recorded music. "How could you ever top," I wondered, "Midnight Special covering Boys of Summer at The Utter Place in Minot, North Dakota. How can you fucking beat that?"



"Kyle" even forgot half the of third verse. The Ataris will not be sweating their balls over that performance.

But then I found this. The horror.

Sweary Sopranos Swear-a-thon

If you knitted together every expletive from all 86 episodes of the Sopranos into one long thread, it would be 27 minutes long. Which is less than one might expect.

Lux has left the building

Lux Interior (nee Erick Lee Purkhiser) of The Cramps died Wednesday.

If you are not a fan, the single you might have heard is "Bikini Girls in Machine Guns" which peaked at #10 on the US Modern Rock charts in 1989 (source: Wikipedia). They are worth a listen. Punk + rockabilly + Roger Corman.

R.I.P

How to make an (expletive deleted) cocktail

Take:

• One part Christian Bale
• One part Bill O'Reilly

Muddle together.
Garnish with an overblown sense of importance.

Crank up your speakers and enjoy.

Tadge and cobbles don't pay the rent

Can I get your John HanCock here?

Aaah I kill me. And yeah that's the best I could do.

Lucky Doesn't Take Cabs

As you may have seen in the Globe last week, the Celtics dismissed their "mascot" Lucky the Leprechaun. The reasons for the dismissal were not revealed to the press.

Thankfully, the Sons of Sam Horn have the rest of the story. Key thought:

"Also, this year he started referring to himself in the third person. And better yet, as "Lucky", instead of Damon."

The lesson is clear: you can only act like this if you are a hall-of-fame-level talent.

PiiaB - The Nutritional Requirement (NSFW)

You asked for it, El. Here it is. The RDA equivalents for Put it in a Bowl (TM pending).

1. Johnsonville Beddar with Cheddars. 6-pack. All used. Calories: 1440. Calories from Fat: 1140. (No trans fat, so legal in NYC.) Cholesterol: 300mg. Sodium: 4,560mg. Carbohydrates: 18g. Protein: 60g.

2. Generic Tater Tots. Half of 32-oz bag. Calories: 700. Calories from Fat: 300. (No trans fat.) Cholesterol: 0mg. Sodium: 2,000mg. Carbohydrates: 100g. Protein: 10g.

3. 4 Grade A Jumbo Brown Eggs. Calories: 360. Calories from Fat: 200. (NTF) Cholesterol: 1,080mg. Sodium: 320mg. Carbohydrates: negligible. Protein: 32g.

4. one 15-oz can Hormel 50% Reduced Fat Corned Beef Hash. Calories: 580. Calories from Fat: 220. (Trans Fat: 1g.) Cholesterol: 120mg. Sodium: 2,140mg. Carbohydrates: 48g. Protein: 42g.

5. Velveeta 8-oz package. Use half. Calories: 320. Calories from Fat: 200. (NTF) Cholesterol: 80mg. Sodium: 1,680mg. Carbohydrates: 12g. Protein: 20g.

6. Horseradish. 2 tablespoons. Calories: 60. Calories from Fat: 30. (NTF) Cholesterol: negligible. Sodium: 120mg. Carbohydrates: 6g. Protein: negligible.
+30
7. Claussen Kosher Dill Halves. Three halves, diced. Calories: 30. Calories from Fat: negligible. (NTF) Cholesterol: negligible. Sodium: 1,620mg. Carbohydrates: negligible. Protein: negligible.

8. chippy stuff - forgoing for this iteration.


Totals:
Calories: 3,490
Calories from Fat: 2,090
Cholesterol: 1,580mg
Sodium: 12,440mg
Carbohydrates: 184g
Protein: 164g

The RDA for a 2,500 Calorie/day meal:

Calories: 2,500
*Calories from Fat: 500 (approximately 20% of total calories)
Cholesterol: 375mg
Sodium: ~3,000mg
*Carbohydrates: 375g
*Protein: about 125g

*Assumptions: 2,500 calories per day, fat restricted to 20% of calories, carbs can be calculated by RDA on labels, remainder designated to protein is caculated at 4 calories/gram of protein [4 cals/g for carbs, 9 cals/g for fat].

This concoction will last me for 4 meals - lunch and dinner on SB Sunday and the following day. It is very filling, so it is by no means a single-serving. Broken down by 2 days worth of meals and not including breakfast (even though this is a breakfast-ready meal), a single meal of PiiaB comes to 35% of RDA for calories, 105% of RDA for fat calories, 105% of RDA for cholesterol, 138% of RDA for sodium, 12% of RDA for carbs and 33% of RDA for protein.

Enjoy!

P.S. Total time to prepare from start to finish including the pre-heat time for the oven - 29 minutes.

Cavalcade of cameos

Some films are worth watching just for the cameos and supporting roles. This was not one of them.

How can you go wrong with Patton Oswalt, Jason Bateman, Juliette Lewis, Carmen Electra, Judah Friedlander (as "Ice Cream Man"), Vince Vaughn, and Snoop D-o-double-muthafuckin-g? How can you go wrong when there's "your gun and badge on my desk" in the script?


Starsky and Hutch. Although you won't often fuck up blaming either Ben Stiller or Owen Wilson for failure, the writers' thin concept, flat jokes and director's insipid delivery are all at fault in this unnecessary retread.

The photo says it all: "We could show the cheerleader's tits. No, let's just hold endlessly on Owen Wilson reacting to her tits. Yeah! Owen -- do your stuttering thing. Like you've never seen tits before. It'll be hi-larious! They'll eat that shit up!"

Houses Now Cheaper Than a Pabst Blue Ribbon

House values in the Detroit area have fallen to the point that the median price in December was $7,500. Some are even selling for $1 or less. At least they still have the Detroit Lions.

Put it in a (Super) Bowl!

The Arizona Cardinals and the Pittsburgh Steelers will meet in Super Bowl 43. (I am not a Roman citizen, damnit!) That can only mean one thing....

The Return of Put it in a Bowl (PiiaB)! For those gentle readers who were not privy to the saga last year during the SB timeframe, PiiaB is my attempt to bring all of the best flavors into one mouthwatering bundle of goodness. My own special Failure Pile in a Sadness Bowl.

How, you ask, does one make such ambrosia? Well, it is a multi-step (but single bowl) process.

Ingredients:
1. One 6-pack Hillshire Farms Cheddarwurst (Johnsonville Beddar Cheddars acceptable substitute)
2. 16 oz. Tater tots
3. 3-5 Jumbo Eggs
4. One 15 oz. can corned beef hash
5. Something cheezy and viscous (i.e. Cheez Whiz, Industrial Grade “Cheese” substitute or, in this case, Fritos Cheese dip)
6. Horseradish, to taste. I like a kick, so I use a lot.
7. Pickles. I use kosher dill halves, but this is where you can be creative.
8. Some type of crunchy potato chippy thing for crispness as a garnish. I used to use Doritos Four Cheese (I do like my cheese), but that is no longer made, so I settled for Doritos Spicy Nacho this time.

Steps:
a. Have an assistant. Picture 1 shows my assistant, Wally


b. Preheat oven to 450 degrees. The tater tots take the longest and we need those fairly early in the assembly process. My brand took about 18 minutes, so I started those 10 minutes before everything else.
c. Put the corned beef hash in a skillet and cook for a few minutes until it starts to brown. Add horseradish to taste – I used three heaping tablespoons – and cheezy substance. Picture 2 shows that amalgam.


d. Start the Cheddarwurst cooking in the microwave. Make sure to poke holes in the casing or they’ll ‘splode. Amusing, but not good for the timeline. For 6 links, it should take about 3:30.
e. By this time, the tater tots are ready. Take them out and while still hot, mash them up. This is the base of your concoction. Put it in a bowl.
f. The corned beef hash/horseradish/cheez is ready now. This should be slightly soupy and will mesh nicely with the potato base and other solids. Put it in a bowl – the same one, mind you. This is a one-bowl presentation.
g. Take the same skillet that just had the corned beef and re-use for 3-5 jumbo eggs. These should cook quickly as the skillet is still hot and the hash mixture that did not go into the bowl will absorb into the eggs. We will slightly scramble, but add nothing else. Let them cook for a few minutes.
h. The Cheddarwurst just buzzed! Take them out and dice them up. Put it in a bowl.
i. Select 4-5 nice kosher dill halves. Dice them up. Put it in a bowl.
j. The eggs are done. Put it in a bowl.
k. Crumble two handfuls of chips over the entire concoction (i.e. “Put it in a bowl”)
l. Toss like you would a greasy, salty, delicious, artery-clogging salad. The result is shown on picture 3. It really tastes better than it looks. I can hear you salivating through the interweb.


m. Enjoy hot. It is also good when it cools and starts to clump. You can reheat or eat cold the next day.

Everything in this wondermeal (except possibly the horseradish and pickles) are legitimate breakfast foods as well, so it is not just a dinner entrée, but can be enjoyed at any time of the day or night.

You're welcome. I can be reached here to be notified of my nomination for the 2009 James Beard Foundation Award.

Ads you will never see on American television #452

Mildly NSFW.

More Things That Make Me Laugh

Two quick ones:

1) Matt Taibbi Eviscerating Thomas Friedman, Again
In 2005, Matt Taibbi wrote the definitive review of Thomas Friedman's best-selling yet unreadable shitpile The World is Flat. This week, Taibbi reviews Friedman's latest brain-dead missive in impressively negative fashion.

2) Runnin' With The Songsmith
For reasons I don't care to look up, the isolated vocal track for Van Halen's Runnin' with the Devil is widely available. Also, for reasons I don't quite undertand, Microsoft has a product called Songsmith that generates a musical track for any given vocals. Thus we have this glorious marriage of Diamond Dave and cold programming logic.

HOO-AHH!!!

After watching him chew up his lines, the scenery and gutless 60 Minutes producers in The Insider, I've gone off on a Pacino jag. My latest find is Sea of Love, a 1989 procedural that might have been easy to miss on release, but has aged better than most of its contemporaries. (We're all still waiting for the Look Who's Talking retrospective at the Brattle...)

Pacino is a 20-years-on-the-force heavy drinking NYC detective, who passes on retirement to hunt a serial killer. Ellen Barkin and Her Generous Rack is Pacino's Love Interest and Suspect #1.

Sea of Love is packed to the gills with familiar character-actor faces (what's the opposite of has-been? Will-be?), including Michael O'Neill, who later made his bones as Bartlet's secret service chief on West Wing. Another future West Wing roller John Spencer gets a few lines in the obligatory your-shield-and-piece-on-my-desk Lieutenant role. Pre-Royale-With-Cheese / Tyranny-Of-Evil-Men-Jules Samuel Jackson plays, uuh, "Black Guy." You can't make this shit up. That's one step up the career ladder from Jackson's stellar performance as 'Gang Member #2" in Ragtime, I guess. Rounding out the cast is the venerable CK model John Goodman, Pacino's partner and occasional waiter.

If you were to leave out Barkin's wardrobe (as she herself does, often enough), there is little to date this picture to the tacky 80s. NYC is still more gritty 70s gangland than Disneyland. Pacino's drunk-dialing-the-ex-wife cop stays barely sober enough to do his job. There isn't a cellphone to be seen. All that is missin is a waka-chica waka-chica funk soundtrack and B-roll of bums standing around burning barrels. And the barman pouring Pacino's "Double Dewar's" order out of a Jack Daniels bottle -- what, you thought we wouldn't catch that?

Sex, booze, violence, suspense: solid three stars.

Things That Make Me Laugh

The following is a collection of assorted crap I find hilarious right now:

1) Baby Mangino

It started off innocently enough, with proud parents dressing up their tubby toddler as Kansas head football coach/gigantic fatty Mark Mangino. Somehow, this photo ended up on Deadspin, becoming enough of a sensation to warrant nomination for their annual Sports Human of the Year Award (SHOTY.) Lo and behold, the chubby child went from 11th seed to finalist, facing off against award-winning author/loudmouth Luddite Buzz Bisinger, whose most notable accomplishement was cursing out Deadspin editor Will Leitch on HBO. This final battle has even prompted a human interest story on a local TV news station. Personally, I've voted for the baby several times, because after several weeks of seeing that fat face, I still find the photo hilarious.

2) The Viz description of Steve Irwin's death

As they so eloquently put it: "he was stang off a fish."

3) Enrazzlement

The aforementioned Viz enclosed a 2009 calendar titled Enrazzlement in their December issue, described as "The Periodical that Effects Tumescence in the Male Generative Member." It features lovely photos of Victorian maids showing off their ankles. A typical monthly description reads like this:

Miss June

One of Rose's dearest undertakings is attending to the dusting of the withdrawing room. In this delectable series of gravures, our photolithographer has encapsulated her whilst she is paying singular attention to the bell jars. Oh, posits The Editor on behalf of his many gentlemen patrons, that she would pay an homogeneous attention to ours.

4) Imaginary conversation with Steve Martin

From the always-amusing Mediation Tumblr site. Sample line: "Okay. Well, new topic then. Did I ever tell you I loved the 1983 Seattle Seahawks?" Just read it.

All work and no play

They finally published Jack Torrance's book.

Kinda sorta.