Scioscia's Tragic Illness Made Us Smile...

At long last, a detailed sabermetric analysis of Waylon Smithers' selections of ringers for the Springfield Power Plant team. It should be noted that the lineup only counts two current Hall-of-Famers (Ozzie Smith and Wade Boggs) and two very likely ones (Roger Clemens and Ken Griffey, Jr.) Given his resources, he should have done better.

Frankly, the C. Montgomery Burns selections were much better, even if they included guys that had been dead for 130 years. It's hard to believe now that the Simpsons used to make really obscure references like the one to Jim Creighton. Somebody on the writing staff must have read the Bill James Historical Abstract.

26 Reds and a Bottle of Wine

You can add Jim Carroll to the list of People Who Died. I think it's safe to say we won't see a better hoopster/diarist/poet/rocker in our lifetime.

Things That Make Me Laugh

The following is a collection of assorted crap I find hilarious right now:

1) Baby Mangino

It started off innocently enough, with proud parents dressing up their tubby toddler as Kansas head football coach/gigantic fatty Mark Mangino. Somehow, this photo ended up on Deadspin, becoming enough of a sensation to warrant nomination for their annual Sports Human of the Year Award (SHOTY.) Lo and behold, the chubby child went from 11th seed to finalist, facing off against award-winning author/loudmouth Luddite Buzz Bisinger, whose most notable accomplishement was cursing out Deadspin editor Will Leitch on HBO. This final battle has even prompted a human interest story on a local TV news station. Personally, I've voted for the baby several times, because after several weeks of seeing that fat face, I still find the photo hilarious.

2) The Viz description of Steve Irwin's death

As they so eloquently put it: "he was stang off a fish."

3) Enrazzlement

The aforementioned Viz enclosed a 2009 calendar titled Enrazzlement in their December issue, described as "The Periodical that Effects Tumescence in the Male Generative Member." It features lovely photos of Victorian maids showing off their ankles. A typical monthly description reads like this:

Miss June

One of Rose's dearest undertakings is attending to the dusting of the withdrawing room. In this delectable series of gravures, our photolithographer has encapsulated her whilst she is paying singular attention to the bell jars. Oh, posits The Editor on behalf of his many gentlemen patrons, that she would pay an homogeneous attention to ours.

4) Imaginary conversation with Steve Martin

From the always-amusing Mediation Tumblr site. Sample line: "Okay. Well, new topic then. Did I ever tell you I loved the 1983 Seattle Seahawks?" Just read it.

I need to brush up on my German

Obersalzburg: It's The Office, but with Hitler.

Oh, snap!

Now who's going to tell me I look simply awful?

We All Move Up On The Coolest Human Alive Ranks

Paul Newman is dead. He made great films, raced cars, gave lots of money away and never did anything embarassing. It is safe to say he would be the last person featured in next year's Oscar Death Montage. Sorry, gun-toting monkey hater.

In a world ...

where there is no one left to do voiceovers for movie trailers ...

Things I've Learned from These Olympic Games

Here are some random observations from hours of watching these Olympic Games:

• Bela Karolyi should be confined to the balcony of an old theater. Preferably with Andy Rooney.
• The key to Michael Phelps winning any given race is to swim faster than all of his competitors. It is important that he swim faster than all of them because only by swimming faster than all of them will he be able to win the race and claim the gold medal. If you can repeat this type of commentary eight times, you too can be an announcer at these Olympic Games.
• Team handball is a totally awesome sport.
• China totally faked that opening ceremony. Why is anybody worked up about that when there's about a hundred other worse things their government does as a matter of course?
• It is important for sprinters to think strategically and not "leave themselves too much work to do on the final stretch." I hadn't realized that hauling ass for ten or twenty seconds required this much thought.
• I love reading message board comments about how the 6' 5" Usain Bolt should totally try out for the NFL. Yeah, he should give up traveling around the world to track meets for guaranteed money so that he can get decapitated running back punts for the Arizona Cardinals. I wish people would realize that nobody cares about the NFL except Americans.
• If men's basketball was a judged sport the Chinese team would have gotten 9s and 10s while the US got 7s.
• Puerto Rico's streak of not winning gold will continue. My people may suck at Olympic stuff but at least they figured out that stand-up embalming process that will soon sweep the world.
• Bob Costas is still short and he still sucks.

Well, it was educational.

One Less Vote for McCain

Friend to racists, homophobes and lung cancer Jesse Helms died on the Fourth of July, 2008. I was surprised to learn he was still alive.

He Would Have Wanted It This Way

For posterity:

Shit.
Piss.
Fuck.
Cunt.
Cocksucker.
Motherfucker.
Tits.

Farewell, Ellas Otha Bates

On the list of great rock 'n' roll guitarists, we all move up one place.

What a crap day

Harvey Korman dead, James Hook burned down, and I'm recovering from the indignity of handing a forfeit to Mot's Crew (yo Bill, 7 players != team). Damn.

Is there any happy news? Anything? Aaah yes, thanks to Maxim, at least we know how Gary Oldman came up with "breasteses." Thanks intarnets.

Visiting the Soylent Green Factory

I think with Charlton Heston's timely demise we can assume he takes the final spot in the Oscar's death montage away from previous occupant Heath Ledger. To keep up with other possible candidates, there's always IMDB's handy deaths in 2008 list.