How to sink a boner in three easy steps

First, you start Googling [tricia helfer playboy] and you find some really nice shots.

Second, after inadvertently closing the window, you search on [tricia helfer photos] and find a whole bunch of results.

And then, after clicking on one, you see a link to cosplaytrainwreck.com and discover a whole section called Too Fat to Wear That.

Mission accomplished.

I got yer Christmas spirit right here

I always though that Potterville would be a great place to live. Decadent, yet built upon sound financial principals. The Consumerist agrees.

Look at me. I'm giving out wings.

Lewis Lapham Mad Libs!

The Bush administration's forbearance as Gen. Pervez Musharraf proclaims, like [vainglorious monarch], that [famous megalomaniacal statement] recasts [open Gibbon's Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire to any random page, close eyes, plunge finger into text, and insert here a précis of incident described therein] as opera bouffe. The sham outrage teases forth memories of the contortions displayed by [famous Ottoman acrobat of the 15^th century] or the prevarications of [obscure three-fingered gangster of the 1930s] as the Katie Courics and Wolf Blitzers of their day distracted the starving masses with [celebratory ritual performed by an island-based indigenous people] and competitions to mimic the cry of the mighty [extinct animal from the Cretaceous period].

http://www.slate.com/id/2177912/

I need to brush up on my German

Obersalzburg: It's The Office, but with Hitler.

More 2008 Hoomin of the Year Nominations

Since I left some obvious candidates from the first installment, let's do another.

Elliott Spitzer
The former governor of New York only did two notable things this year, but they were huge. First, he joined Ted Kennedy in the list of Top Ten Most Shockingly Sudden Falls from Grace by a Major Politician (see the two-part special on C-Span 3.) Second, he introduced the handy three- to seven-diamond scale for rating prostitutes. Sadly, the cheap bastard only sprung for a three.

Nate Silver
At the beginning of the year, Nate Silver was an anonymous Baseball Prospectus author, notable mostly for not being the one who changed gender. But after the success of the election predictions in his fivethirtyeight site, he got a $700K advance for writing two books and became a fixture on cable news programs like the Colbert Report.

Paul Krugman
Other than winning a Nobel Prize, being proven right on many of his criticism of the current administration, getting the perfect chance to rerelease a book about Depression Economics and being on every cable news show ever, it wasn't a notable year for Prof. Krugman. At this point his NYT blog is required reading.

Voting begins next Wednesday when the election committee meets.

Monkey jockeys for all your promotional needs

"If you love pig racing, you'll go ape for the Banana Derby!"

Yakuza. Ninjas. Tempura. Schoolgirl outfits.

Crap British Santa's village incites violence, closes

"One of the elves got smacked in the face and pushed in a pram."

But despite this resounding seal of approval, Lapland New Forest has closed down.

The 2008 TNPP Hoomin of the Year Nominations

As the end of the year nears, it is important for us to reflect on the past 12 months. So in the tradition of publications scrambling to fill late December issues with pre-written content before the whole staff goes on vacation, here are some of my nominees for the prestigious 2008 Thursday Night Party People Hoomin of the Year designation.

Dustin Pedroia
Went from .200 hitter picked on by Jerry Remy, of all people, for being unable to hit in April of 2007 to being Rookie of the Year and starring on a World Series Championship that year. Then this year he was an All-Star, won a Gold Glove, a Silver Slugger and AL MVP. Moreover, he remained a self-confident asshole throughout.

Axl Rose
Waited 17 years to release Chinese Democracy to lukewarm reviews and a decaying music distribution market during the worst economic condition since the Great Depression. What he lacks in swiftness he makes up in timing. And he still owes me a Dr Pepper, no matter what he says.

Sarah Palin
Went from anonymous to appealing to amusing to appalling in record time. After the election went back to Alaska with the faith of the Republican base, the unending hatred of the left and a crapload of new fancy clothing. And I still don't understand what the hell she was talking about.

Don Draper/Dick Whitman (tie)
It seems pretty safe to state that Mad Men was the best dramatic show on TV this year and that Don Draper (or is it Dick Whitman) was its most complex and riveting character. Most importantly he was damn smooth.

John Maynard Keynes
This year saw a breakthrough in the long-running economic grudge match between monetarists and keynesianists. As our faltering economy nears a state that can best be described as a liquidity trap, the Federal Reserve is impotent to improve the economy with interest rate cuts. So it is that we are not only all subprime now, but we are also all Keynesians.

James Cagney sez:

"Now hold on there, that's real unhealthy, see? No wonder this country has an epidemic of obesity, see?"

Axel Rows vs. Dr Pepper

To follow on the article from a few days earlier about the Dr Pepper company giving out vouchers for a free soda based upon the long-awaited (dreaded?) release of Gun and Rose (plus featured performers) "Chinese Democracy," the attorney for the remaining Gun'N'Rose is spouting off.

Apparently, Dr Pepper is a horrible, horrible company for having built an advertising campaign around a 17-year old running joke. Then when the joke came true, they became a terrible, awful company for not personally handing out 300 Million cans of Dr Pepper to each and every qualifying American. (Sorry, Tennessee!)

"The redemption scheme your company clumsily implemented for this offer was an unmitigated disaster which defrauded consumers and, in the eyes of vocal fans, "ruined" the day of Chinese Democracy's release."

I suspect what ruined the day even more for any remaining fans is that they are 17 FUCKING YEARS OLDER THAN WHEN THE LAST ORIGINAL ALBUM CAME OUT.

Well, I guess as long as they spell your name right, any publicity is good publicity.

Edit: Dr Pepper has no punctuation since the '50's.

Happy Thanksgiving, Everybody!

Today, let us celebrate the True Meaning of the Holiday with America's favorite wife-shooting, homosexual junkie whose grandfather invented the adding machine. Via Wonkette, who also provided a helpful link to the text.

I am a turkey! Eat me!

American Capitalism vs. Chinese Democracy

Less than two hours to go to get your free Dr. Pepper as promised due to the years overdue release of Guns 'N' Roses "Chinese Democracy"!

Go to Dr. Pepper.com or call 1-888-DRPEPPER (1-888-377-3773) before 6 PM Eastern Monday, 11/24. Maybe. Technical difficulties today mean that the end time may shift, but no details, yet.

Get your hands off the remote, you damn dirty ape!

From io9.com (sci-fi site): Stuff yourself with holiday treats, then settle in for a massive Planet of The Apes marathon over at the Fox Movie Channel. Four days of Apey goodness starting at 8 PM and going all the way through Sunday. The highlights include (presented in widescreen) Planet of the Apes, Beneath the Planet of the Apes, Escape from the Planet of the Apes, Conquest of the Planet of the Apes and a few TV Ape movies like Treachery and Greed on the Planet of the Apes and Farewell to the Planet of the Apes.

Lolpolitics perfection

What everyone's getting for xmas

Jeppson's Malört will fill the void left by Zima's departure.

Some kind of special mustache

Get the latest news satire and funny videos at 236.com.

What Are Your Hopes? What Are Your Dreams?

While I wasn't looking, SOSH turned into a gossip site.

Socialism in action

For everyone who thought it wouldn't be so bad to have a socialist pres-o-dent, here's food for thought from England:



In an attempt to spread the wealth of nylon, e-MANcipate (geddit? MAN-cipate?) believes men should feel as comfortable in pantyhose as women. First mistake; they're never comfortable. Their site includes instructions on how to wear them, where to buy them, and--saddest of all--a competition to find an actual female willing to go on record as admitting to liking men who look like douches in pantyhose.

This is what we have to look forward to. Thanks a lot, Obama.

A Return to Traditional Values

With recent events, it is encouraging that someone has the courage to stand up and try to stave off ideas that do not fit with our core values. One man has something to say about our lost direction.

Bad day for booze

Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, Coors kills Zima.

I hope I can fight my way through the inevitable crowd down at Kappy's so I can stockpile a few cases. Gotta be ready for the next party: Pruno, Superjuice, Purell and Zima. And RWB.

Superjuice? WTF?

The Winnipeg Sun says homebrew-crazed locals are tanking up on violence-inducing pruno.

How many ways can this shithead get it wrong?

The main ingredient is SuperYeast, a fast-acting yeast available in home-brewing stores. Mixed in a pail with sugar and water, one pouch can make 25 litres of superjuice in just a couple of days.

Tasty! But, uuh, just about any wine yeast will do the same.

"The standard price of a two-litre bottle of superjuice is $80."

Jesus H Christ, you could be getting tanked on Super Tuscans for less. I thought weed was cheap in Canada?

"People drunk on superjuice are prone to violence, wild emotional outbursts, suicidal thoughts and frequent blackouts, Wood said. "With regular alcohol you can know what you are doing up to a point, but with superjuice you can't control yourself," he said.

Uuuh, yeah. Shotgun a bottle of Jack and you're cool as Fonzie, but drink super magical superjuice U R BEYOND MR ROBOTO CONTROL FUCT CRAAZY!

"A lot of the times you can hear them screaming in the police holding cells (because) the stuff is still fermenting in their stomach," he said. "It keeps them drunk too because it is still in their system and still cooking. A lot of the time we have to detain these kids a little bit longer because they can stay drunk for so long."

Wow, that sounds like an advantage that could be marketed. How has Seagrams not picked up on this yet? "New Thunderbird, Three Day Bender edition."

"Screaming in their cells" because of some gas in their stomach? They're too drunk to fart and belch? Crazy Canadians!

If anything besides massive alcohol consumption is screwing with their stomachs it's probably some bacterial infection they picked up from their unsterilized hooch-brewin jugs.

"Police do what they can to intercept the yeast before it gets to the reserve, often seizing it from arriving passengers at the St. Theresa Point and Garden Hill airports."

Because yeast is, uuh, illegal? Well they'd better also suck all the air out of the reserve, because it's full of the shit!

Here are some clues for morons in the press: "Super" or not, a yeast well-suited to survive in high-alcohol environments will ferment out to between 12-18% alcohol before dying. That's it. If you could get 40% Jack straight outa yeast you can be sure Johnny Law would have smashed a lot fewer stills during prohibition.

The real story: an idiot reporter trying to make news that a new powerful drug is responsible for the bad actions of the local reprobates. You've heard it before: "today's weed is 60 times more potent than the shit your parents smoked," etc etc.

Screw superjuice. For blotto-on-the-cheap, go with Purell.

Oh, snap!

Now who's going to tell me I look simply awful?

Congratulations to the Tampa Bay Rays

Well, the Red Sox could not get it done last night, losing 3-1 to Tampa Bay. The Rays will be attending their first World Series since their entry into the Majors in 1998. They will be facing the Philadelphia Philles, who have been around since they started as the Philadelphia Quakers in 1883. In that time, they have won a single World Series, in 1980 (beat the Kansas City Royals 4 games to 2), and lost in 1915 (4-2 to the Boston Red Sox), 1950 (4-0 to the Yankees), 1983 (4-1 to Baltimore Orioles), and 1993 (4-2 to Toronto Blue Jays on Joe Carter's Series-ending home run).

My hope is that the Phillies defeat the Rays 4-2. The town of Philadelphia deserves it after the disappointment and choking (I'm looking at you, Andy Reid and Donovan McNabb!) that has characterized Philadelphia sports. The two games I hope they lose should be crushing defeats of wife-beater Brett Myers.

McCain's Last Chance

There's one big endorsement remaining that could still swing the election to old Walnuts. No, not Bin Laden. If McCain can get W to endorse Obama, voters will recoil in horror and start regarding this one as the safe choice.

Walnuts v. Hopey III, The Final Chapter Liveblog

9:02 - Live from New York, it's WEDNESDAY NIGHT!

9:03 - Elitist update: I'm drinking Guwirt, err, Gewir, that German grape wine.

9:04 - Man, Walnuts is on downers tonight, he looks totally beat. He can't even keep Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac straight.

9:06 - Given that the minimum salary in major league baseball is about $400K, I think Hopey is losing 750 votes by raising taxes on those making over $250K a year.

9:09 - Hey, McCain. Joe the Plumber can go screw. If he makes over $250K a year, I think he can live without buying his stupid business. That issue may not be the most important thing to worry about at this point.

9:14 - Asking about how these promised tax cuts affect the deficit is a good question. I think McCain will mention earmarks within ten seconds of starting to talk.

9:17 - I was wrong. McCain just dodges the question and goes back to his unworkable mortgage idea. After about a couple of minutes he goes back to the earmarks and the freaking projector.

9:19 - Yes, Obama brings up the fact that earmarks are 0.5% of the budget and then brings up Bush. McCain is then all "I'm not Bush." Whatever.

9:22 - McCain has woken up and at least appears to be alive. However, he is lying his ass off about balancing the budget while cutting taxes and remaining in Iraq.

9:26 - I love how McCain keeps going on about the whole town hall meeting issue. As it is these three debates have been interminable. A whole series of them would have been awful.

9:31 - It is hilarious watching a Republican cry poverty because the Democrat is outspending him.

9:33 - "I'm proud of the people who go to our rallies" says McCain. He supports the KKK!

9:36 - Oh my God, McCain brings up Bill Ayers and ACORN. We have bingo!

9:37 - Obama should just state one thing about Bill Ayers: you don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows. It would sew up the aging hippie vote, although he already has that.

9:41 - McCain will have to justify Palin's existence. Let the horseshit begin.

9:45 - In the Walnuts Universe, Iraq is going swimmingly, we can balance the budget by making government efficient and Palin is qualified to be president.

9:48 - Also, nuclear power is safe. Jesus.

9:50 - It is a bit sad how little they differ on energy issues.

9:53 - Colombia, damnit, that's the solution to everything. Never mind that they're basically an extreme right-wing state whose only export is cocaine. Which is a hell of a drug, I hear.

9:58 - Obama mentions preventive care, which is good. Here comes McCain to talk about his convoluted buy-it-your-own-self health plan.

9:59 - Here comes Joe the Plumber again. Why do we care about this guy again?

10:04 - Again with Joe the Plumber. How representative is this guy?

10:08 - Okay, the idea of McCain nominating a Supreme Court judge is scaring the pants off me right now. I love how he said he wouldn't have a litmus test, except he would.

10:12 - God, McCain is really a pro-life nutjob. Or at least he plays one on the teevee.

10:17 - Here is the problem with education in this country: our kids are dumb.

10:22 - But can Joe the Plumber put his kids through college?

10:24 - Walnuts answer to everything: reform. Hopey's answer: spend. I didn't need another 90 minutes to learn that.

10:28 - McCain has a basic problem. He doesn't look like he really believes the crap he's saying.

10:29 - "In conclusion, I think I can blow up a few more Navy planes in the next four years, thank you" says Walnuts.

10:31 - "In conclusion, I said middle-class tax cut repeatedly, can I be president now?" says Hopey.

In conclusion, Bob Schieffer was very good, the questions were pretty interesting and there were a few good attacks. Yet, it was pretty much a rehash of the other debates. McCain did better than before, but still came across like a bitter old man. All Obama had to do was look presidential again and not screw up too badly and he succeeded in that.

Walnuts v. Hopey Part II, The Live Blog

Will McCain finally snap? Will he unleash a torrent of profanity? Will Obama finally "keep it real"? Will he pummel McCain and yell "Wu-Tang!" while forming a W with his hands? It's live from Nashville!

8:56 As a proper east coast liberal I am sipping a nice glass of fume blanc as I type this. Yay, I'm an elitist!

8:58 One of the more annoying things about presidential elections is that we have to give a crap about what people in Ohio think for a good nine months. We can thankfully go back to ignoring them in four weeks.

9:00 I'm watching on CNN so I can monitor their stupid dial thingie. I'm sure it will head south whenever either of these guys mention the dreaded e-co-mo-ny.

9:03 Two men enter! One man leaves! (Since Walnuts will have trouble finding the exit.)

9:04 Rod Steiger asks the first question. I thought he was dead.

9:05 Bashing CEO pay swings the dial numbers all the way to the top. Nothing beats good old class warfare.

9:07 I love the no new taxes, more spending approach to the deficit.

9:09 So the old dude is going to name the CEO of a company that just announced a layoff this week as Treasury Secretary because she can create jobs. Nice.

9:11 Main Street/Wall Street, suspended campaign, Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac, if he says maverick, I have bingo.

9:16 Neither the Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac nor the deregulation explanation works with the focus groups, perhaps because they don't know what the hell is going on. Hell, they're undecided.

9:19 I love how people blame "politicians" for the credit crisis. Yeah, it was the politicians who voted for Bush twice, ignored the housing bubble and invested money without thinking.

9:22 Does McCain realize that nobody gives a shit about earmarks? And they shouldn't. It's the equivalent of cutting out the free coffee in the break room when your company is not moving product: a pointless little feels-right exercise.

9:25 A whole bunch of nuclear power plants?!?! NIMBY!!11!!

9:28 Child of the Depression on the internet? I call shenanigans.

9:29 God this is repetitive. I have a few programs I'd like to cut: the Navy, the Air Force, the Army, Homeland Security.

9:31 I loved how Hopey pulled out the "go out and shop" card. Man, that was dumb.

9:32 And then BHO pulls out the clean coal business and it sinks my boner. There is no such thing.

9:33 As long as neither of these guys asks for a military draft, I'm cool with them.

9:35 I think Obama just called Sarah Palin a hog.

9:38 Social Security is the juggling chainsaw portion of the debate. It can go horribly, horribly wrong. Hopey punts the question and goes back to taxes. Well played.

9:41 It's funny, but mentioning Ronald Reagan no longer moves the preference dial. It's about fucking time.

9:44 I can't believe that nuclear power is what Jamakkan is seriously proposing. Really? That's all you got? There is no nuclear waste issue? Really?

9:48 These debates are dreary. They just repeat the same crap from the previous time. Why can't they have a "previously on the presidential campaign" segment like they did on The Sopranos? Then they have to say different stuff.

9:51 McCain is wandering around the stage behind Obama for no reason. I think his medication is wearing off.

9:54 Walnuts idea of a good plan is to make people work and research every goddamn thing. Hopey proposes stuff where people don't have to think. Murkans hate thinking about shit.

9:56 The whole private solutions thing worked a lot better before the credit market shat the bed.

9:58 Hopey just schooled Walnuts on the whole state and health care issue. Maybe it's the fancy white wine, but I think it's a rout so far in favor of the black dude.

10:00 The one country in the history of the world who dropped atomic bombs is the greatest force of good in history. Nice to know. Ask the Afghanis, Iraqis and Vietnamese about it.

10:03 Hi, I'm Barack Hussein Obama. I will be taking the morally superior foreign policy position tonight, thank you.

10:06 Let me tell you, right now, sir. I am not your friend.

10:09 The Pakistan question isn't loaded or anything. I mean, comparing it to Cambodia?

10:10 I'm betting nobody mentions this little story in this segment.

10:11 My hero is Teddy Roosevelt. He was the captain of my high school football team.

10:14 Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran. Drink.

10:16 So far, it's been a Willy Lomanesque performance from Walnuts. He's selling like crazy yet nobody is buying anymore. It's almost sad, that Reagan shit used to work like crazy.

10:18 Jammakan thinks everybody has the same hard-on for Petraeus as he does. They don't.

10:20 Okay, the Putin-KGB line was kind of funny, by debate standards. Of course, we shouldn't be talking about how it's wrong to go invading crappy countries in Asia.

10:23 We're entering the last few minutes of the debate, Hopey just needs to run out the clock.

10:26 You know, that Israel question would be meaningful except for one thing. Israel already has nuclear weapons and they can wipe Iran off the map tonight if they so feel like it.

10:29 Finally, the last question. It's from New Hampshire. I guess we still have to care about what they think.

10:32 Tehlime states "of course you're hopeful, you're Hopey."

10:33 Hopey: "hope, hope, hope, change, change, change." Walnuts: "fear, fear, fear, hate, hate, hate." Do we really need to hear this again?

10:34 McCain is ignorant of many things, blocking being one of them. Thank God this is over.

In conclusion, this was a complete waste of ninety minutes as neither candidate said anything new. Barack HUSSEIN Obama did look more presidential. Walnuts still came across as pissed because he has to make sure kids stay off each of his seven fucking lawns. McCain needed to gain ground and this sure as hell didn't help.

And you thought vegetarianism was for wimps

"The Phuket vegetarian festival celebrates vegetarianism and calls on devotees through self mortification to purify themselves as they take on the sins of the community."

The photo gallery is worth a browse to see people shoving increasingly ridiculous objects through their faces. Here's one of the less daring displays.

Google's blatant anti-Lime actions

From an article in today's Guardian (italics mine):

As mornings after go, there are few combinations more deadly than a computer, too much alcohol and a seething sense of indignation.

But there could soon be a solution for people who cannot resist sending an ill-conceived drunken email to their boss or a former lover.

An altruistic Google employee has come up with a system that will block — or at least make people reconsider sending — the type of message they will probably regret the next day.

Mail Goggles, which can be set to spring into action late at night and at weekends, asks emailers to answer a series of short maths questions before sending a message. The basic addition and multiplication sums have to be completed within a time limit.

The idea, according to the Gmail engineer Jon Perlow, is to help those who are a little too tired and emotional to foresee the consequences of their actions.

And yes, I know the rest of you don't have any problems with stuff like this, but what about me, eh? Sums? Time limit? Not even sober!

I guess I'll just have to rely on Facebook as my primary launchpad for invective. Levon, hurry up and join.

Hacking Mass 2008 Recap

When we last checked in with the Tobias Funke All Stars, the team had ridden a consistent streak of ineptitude all the way to the top of the Hacking Mass 2008 standings. Unfortunately, when a Hacking Mass team is doing that well, it means many of the players are in danger of spending the rest of the summer on the bench or playing golf. So it was with the TFASs as they faded to finish 123 out of 1,052 entrants. While I am happy with this result, an analysis of each member of the team is needed to understand why they fell so sharply in the standings. So here they are, for the last time, the Tobias Funke All Stars:

C - Paul LoDuca, FLA, 36 Exuded Stiff Points, Net or ESPN
LoDuca endured two trips to the disabled list, a release by the worst-team in baseball Washington Nationals and a stopover in AAA. In between he hit .243 with no home runs. This teen-chasing, gambling, steroid user may have just seen his last baseball paycheck. Too bad he didn't contribute more this year.

1B - Rich Aurilia, SFG, 24 ESPN
Unlike LoDuca, Aurilia seems to be a good teammate, which may be why he keeps drawing a paycheck in spite of slowly decaying results. After posting a .672 OPS last year, Aurilia bounced back with a .745 this year, thanks to a .903 OPS against lefties. While his numbers were weak for a first baseman, they were not exceptional from a Hacking Mass perspective.

2B - Juan Uribe, CWS, 42 ESPN
Uribe is the only one of these guys who was still playing in October. Part of the reason is that his team figured out that last year was not a fluke so he ended up with 210 less plate appearances than in 2007. That decision limited his Hacking Mass value, but helped the White Sox reach the postseason. A very selfish move by Ozzie Guillen.

SS - Tony Pena, KCR, 95 ESPN
The most valuable shortstop in Hacking Mass put together a historically bad offensive season: a .169 batting average, 6 walks against 49 strikeouts, six extra-base hits and a .398 OPS. His ineptitude was such that even the Royals had enough, limiting his plate appearances to only 235 for the year, only 45 of which were after the All Star game.

3B - Jose Castillo, HOU, 60 ESPN
Castillo was waived by the Giants in August and picked up by the Astros to finish out the year. A truly generic bad player with a career .675 OPS, he must be a really nice guy to keep getting 400+ plate appearances a year. He's the Hacking Mass equivalent of a solid, contributing regular like Mike Lowell.

LF - Eric Byrnes, ARI, 36 ESPN
Two trips to the disabled list, the last of which ended his season in June, derailed what could have been a monster Hacking Mass for the inexplicably overpaid Byrnes. The Diamondbacks wasted 224 plate appearances on a guy with a .641 OPS, not to mention over $6.6M in salary.

CF - Joey Gathright, KCR, 68 ESPN
Joey spent four weeks on the disabled list from late July to late August and was benched upon his return, which meant he only had 50 plate appearances in the second half of the season. It's too bad because he's a Hacking Mass stud: he hit four extra-base hits in 279 at bats. Why couldn't the Royals just continue to play him and Tony Pena? What do you mean they were trying to win?

RF - Brad Wilkerson, TOR, 51 ESPN
Brad has followed the prototypical baseball career progression, peaking at age 27 and slowly declining from there. He was released by the Mariners, the second-worst team in baseball, then caught on with the Blue Jays. I'm sure his agent is explaining the term "non-roster invitee" to him right now.

SP - Matt Morris, PIT, 38 ESPN
Exhibit A on how baseball management finally understands the concept of a sunk cost. In spite of having a guaranteed $10M salary for the year, the Pirates released him after five starts and 22 1/3 innings. Deservedly so, since he did post an ERA of 9.67. As a comparison, I also started five games for my company softball team but only allowed 8.50 runs per game. Morris officially retired and not in a bullshit Favre way either.

SP - Steve Trachsel, BAL, 52 ESPN
Trachsel outlasted Morris by pitching in ten games. He also posted a horrific 8.39 ERA. I'm not sure if he also officially retired or if all thirty major league teams have just stopped taking his calls.

Anyway, it's only 186 days until the deadline for next year's Hacking Mass entries.

Signs of the apocalypse #476

Johnny Rotten is now shilling butter.

Running a gym?!?

Teh Dice on CNN

The Best Films/Movies of My Lifetime, Part 3 (89-98)

The first and second installments of the series were pretty close to the established film canon with some exceptions. I suspect this one will diverge more.

1989
Looking through the list, there weren't a lot of great "movies" released this year. The better ones include Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, When Harry Met Sally... and Say Anything. The best one may be Weird Al Yankovic's masterpiece: UHF. Yes, a flick featuring an ad for Spatula City was probably the best movie of the year.

The film side, on the other hand, was loaded: Mystery Train, Heathers and Sex, lies and videotape. Much as Soderbergh's debut still holds up well, no film that year could top Do The Right Thing. It is quite likely that Spike Lee will never make a better non-documentary film.

1990
This year saw a lot of interesting movies. King of New York has an awesome Christopher Walken performance. Total Recall has ridiculous sets, a chick with three boobs and a fun convoluted plot. Gremlins 2 takes what should have been a crappy sequel of a mediocre fantasy movie and turns it into a funny satire on Ted Turner and Donald Trump.

However, the obvious best film of the year was also its best movie, the endlessly rewatchable Goodfellas. While it seemed kind of dumb picking the obviously inferior Dances With Wolves for best picture at the time, it seems completely insane now. What, you think I'm funny? Funny how?

1991
Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey actually improved on the original, the whole idea of playing Twister with Death is still funny as hell. Terminator 2 gets pretty close to bettering the original, simply because the larger budget allows for more stuff getting blow'd up. The best movie, and that's really all it is, was The Silence of the Lambs.

Boyz N the Hood, Slacker and Night on Earth are good films in stretches but are too uneven. The best film is thus Delicatessen which combines an intriguing plot, innovative visuals and the rubbery features of Dominique Pinon into a great French take on the it's-the-future-and-everything-sucks genre.

1992
This was a bit of a crappy year for movies as I have no desire to revisit some of the better ones like Singles and Reservoir Dogs. The best movie, The Player, still holds up pretty well even if they did end up making a sequel (of sorts) to The Graduate.

On the other hand it was a great year for films. Bob Roberts is still a realistic depiction of a conservative manipulating rebellious imagery. Thankfully that sort of thing doesn't happen anymore. Glengarry Glen Ross captured exactly the essence of one of my previous employers, except for the whole Alec Baldwin bit. Malcolm X is actually a pretty impressive portrayal and Denzell is solid as usual. The best film, though, was Unforgiven, which in a just world should have been the last Western ever made.

1993
Two absolute classic movies were released this year. I've watched Addams Family Values dozens of times and it is still funny. The sequel more than made up for the boring original. Every single day I turn on the TV and Groundhog Day is playing. With good reason: it is fantastic (even if it stars notorious non-entity Andie MacDowell.)

I'm certain that Schindler's List is a significant film achievement and all, but who is ever in the mood for a three-hour black-and-white film about the Holocaust? Not me. Short Cuts is interesting but inconsistent and What's Eating Gilbert Grape? is pretty well done too. The best film of the year is thus Dazed and Confused, one of the best recent depictions of the 70s experience featuring a great soundtrack and Matthew McConaughey in his signature role.

1994

No matter how well-filmed or edited, Pulp Fiction is basically a movie. It wasn't even the best movie made that year, as Serial Mom is even more enjoyable. You can have your stupid conversations about Scottish restaurants in Paris, I'll stick with famous heiresses being beaten to death with a phone for daring to wear white shoes after Labor Day. Honorable mention to the relentlessly stupid yet rewatchable PCU.

The finest film of the year was Ed Wood. Cut, print it!

1995
Two fantastic movies were released this year, the kind that make you glad that studios try to make crowd-pleasing projects every so often. Get Shorty stars a fat Scientologist and seemingly every awesome character actor available (Hackman, Farina, Gandolfini, Sandoval.) Slightly better is The Usual Suspects which was probably the peak of Kevin Spacey 90s hot streak and is actually still rewatchable even after knowing the ending.

Scorsese's Casino was excellent but paled in comparison to Goodfellas. My selection for best film was Almodovar's The Flower of My Secret, which tones down the wacky comedy and pumps up the melodrama in his usual formula. This gets bonus points from me for realistically portraying overly dramatic families. Not that I would know or anything.

1996
The movie choices for this year were pretty crappy except for the unfairly maligned Mars Attacks! which finally fulfills the audience's desire to see numerous movie stars die horrible deaths and shows a utopian fantasy of a world repopulated by the likes of James Brown, Pam Grier and Tom Jones.

The film side is much tougher. A strong debut like Bottle Rocket wasn't even one of the top two films of the year. The wacky but intelligent Schizopolis is the rare experimental film that holds together and is enjoyable. It is truly a miracle that a movie with a character named simply Nameless Numberhead Man could be any good. The best film was Trainspotting even though it was made in some incomprehensible dialect.

1997
This year saw the realease of two consistently funny comedies: Romy and Michele's High School Reunion and Waiting for Guffman. In most years, either would have been a fine choice. But this year saw the release of the even funnier The Fifth Element, the first (and likely last) big-budget gay sci-fi epic starring Bruce Willis.

L.A. Confidential is a strong retro film noir. Boogie Nights is funny, scary and always entertaining. Burt Reynolds' dad has never been better. But the best film was Spain's Abre los Ojos, an engrossing and challenging sci-fi film on a much tighter budget that the best movie of the year.

1998
Ronin was a rare case: an intelligent and exciting action movie. It is hardly a match for Out of Sight. It has a great cast, loads of comedy, fast-paced action and is beautifully shot. It is about as good as a mainstream movie can be.

I loved Terry Gilliam's take on Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, particularly Depp and Del Toro's mumbled and slurred conversations. But Rushmore was a career high point for Wes Anderson and firmly established Bill Murray as the face of dramatic middle-age angst today.

Next time: Wait, I have to cover 2008? But I haven't been to the movies all year!

We All Move Up On The Coolest Human Alive Ranks

Paul Newman is dead. He made great films, raced cars, gave lots of money away and never did anything embarassing. It is safe to say he would be the last person featured in next year's Oscar Death Montage. Sorry, gun-toting monkey hater.

The Best Films/Movies in My Lifetime, Part 2 (79-88)

In the first part of this series I covered the best movies and films from '69 to '78. Given that I saw very few of these movies at the time they were released, the pool of choices was more limited. After all, I'm not likely to dig up a movie that everybody pretty much agrees is kind of bad (like say Airport) unless it's so horrible that I have to watch it (like say Sextette.) So when I looked through the list of movies for any given year, I had only seen a handful and most were pretty good.

This next stretch is different as I saw a ton of movies at the time, then went back and saw all the cult/art movies afterwards when I went to college and became an arugula-eating elitist. With that in mind, here are the best movies and films from 1979 to 1988:

1979
The movie choices are pretty diverse: Alien, the best anti-pregnancy movie since Rosemary's Baby; the slowly-becoming-completely-plausible Mad Max; the ludicrous stylings of The Warriors; and the lovingly rendered barnyard miscegenation of The Muppet Movie. However, the best movie was Rock 'n' Roll High School for realistically depicting a fantasy universe in which cute high school chicks were really into The Ramones.

The film choices come down to three. Quadrophenia is a gritty depiction of teenage alienation and all that, plus it naturally has an awesome soundtrack. Apocalypse Now is an unhinged war film based on a classic story and features our future first Mexican President. But time has been kindest to Being There, as the idea of platitude-spouting being confused with depth runs rampant through the country and our political system.

1980
With apologies to The Long Good Friday, which loses a lot of points for presenting the Irish as scary, the choice for best movie comes down to two influential comedies. The Blues Brothers featured R&B legends (Ray Charles, Aretha, Cab Calloway), famed directors (Spielberg, Frank Oz, John Landis) and serious drug addicts (Belushi, Carrie Fisher, James Brown.) Half of Chicago was seemingly destroyed during its shooting and damn if it didn't seem worthwhile. Still, for better or worse, Airplane! is a huge step forward in getting to the gag-a-second directing style we see in the better comedies today.

Before I get to the best film of the year, I would like to state for the record that I did not, at any time, fuck Jake LaMotta's wife. So yes, it's Raging Bull.

1981
Best movie is an easy choice as Raiders of the Lost Ark is fantastic entertainment. On completely different ends of the spectrum, Escape from New York and Mommie Dearest are also a lot of fun.

Best film is a more difficult choice as there are less noteworthy selections. My memory is that Das Boot taught me never, ever to enlist in the Navy so that is my pick.

1982
There were some strong movie choices this year. Tootsie was amusing, although I'd be damned if I understand how it can be considered the second best American comedy ever. It's only marginally better than Airplane II: The Sequel. Also noteworthy is Fast Times at Ridgemont High and its introduction of famous serious actor Jeff Spicolli. But I guess it would be silly not to select E.T. the Extra Terrestrial since I thought it was TEH AWESOME when it came out. Of course, I was 13.

This is another year where I haven't seen a lot of the film choices. I'm going to go with The Verdict as Newman was fantastic, although not Slapshot-level fantastic.

1983
This year brought us Saturday-afternoon-TNT classics like Risky Business, Easy Money, The Dead Zone and A Christmas Story. None of these furthered our understanding of financial matters as much as Trading Places did. Besides giving us the Mortimer Bet and a peek at blind-pouch breasts, it also taught us everything we needed to know about the commodity futures market.

In the film side I prefer the low-key silliness of Local Hero over Sandra Bernhard's one justification for existence The King of Comedy.

1984
A movie like The Terminator is more than qualified to be the best movie of the year. It is entertaining, contains iconic quotes and shows loads of stuff getting blow'd up. Unfortunately, it was released the same year as the classic comedy of This Is Spinal Tap. If only James Cameron had gone to eleven...

The film side was strong as well with Amadeus, which would have been better with an all-Falco soundtrack, and Once Upon a Time in America, which is still the greatest four-hour film about a mobster named Noodles ever made. The best film of the year (yes, film) was the fast-paced, extremely-quotable and always rewatchable Repo Man.

1985
This year produced some entertaining movies of various types like Day of the Dead, Pale Rider and Real Genius. Of course as children are repeatedly taught in school, this was the year in which the greatest teen movie ever was released: Better Off Dead. As you all know Savage Steve Holland magnum opus swept the Palme d'Or, the Golden Lion and the Academy Awards that year. With no other K-12s to scale in motion pictures, SSH gave up filmmaking and dedicated himself to the more challenging medium of children's television programming.

While the brilliance of Better Off Dead is unquestioned, it is most definitely also true that it is not Shakespeare. Kurosawa's Ran is Shakespeare. King Lear in fact. The film is a visually stunning, violent, moving spectacle.

1986
Aliens is more fast-paced than its predecessor while still being tense. It has Paul Reiser in it, which docks it a few points. Back to School on the other hand has both Rodney Dangerfield and Sam Kinison, plus Kurt Vonnegut for a throw-away gag. Just Kinison's rant about Vietnam, which McCain is quoting word-for-word on the campaign trail, makes it the best movie of the year.

Many of the best film candidates suffer from tragic flaws. Blue Velvet has terrible performances on both ends of the spectrum from Dennis Hopper and Laura Dern. Platoon has the ham-fisted direction of Oliver Stone. River's Edge has Keanu Reeves and there's only so much Crispin Glover can make up for that. So the best film has to be the Jean de Florette/Manon of the Spring combination. They were beautifully shot, perfectly acted and ruined Provence for everybody.

1987
This year featured two remarkably prescient visions of the future. The Running Man successfully predicted the direction of network television: cheap-ass "reality" game shows, while RoboCop showed us the natural end result of privatizing every damn thing: giant killer robots shooting people dead. Even more prescient was my best movie choice The Princess Bride. Since we forgot about the land war in Asia thing, I hope we never have to go up against a Sicilian when death is on the line.

The best film of the year, and I'm stretching here a bit, is Withnail & I. There may not be a lot of "art" in Richard E. Grant's crazed performance of a drunken drama queen, but it is funny as hell.

1988
Here is a list of some of the movies that could be considered for best movie of 1988: Bull Durham, Hairspray, The Naked Gun and Who Framed Roger Rabbit? All of them would be worthy of the honor. I guess when you are 19 every single movie is targeted exactly at you. My choice is Tapeheads because it is more rewatchable than any of the others. Maybe it's the scene where Tim Robbins states with no emotion whatsoever "look, two ninja bitches about to kill each other" that does it for me.

Films included the excellent Eight Men Out and The Unbearable Lightness of Being. While either would be fine choices, this was the year of Almodovar's Women on The Verge of a Nervous Breakdown.

Next time: the '90s, where I pretty much start skipping every movie that made over $100 million.

No future for you

"God save the Queen/She ain't no human being ... eeh, do you remember her Coronation, Ethel? Lovely it was, wasn't it?"

The Best Films/Movies in My Lifetime, Part 1 (69-78)

Revisiting an earlier concept but with movies instead of music, here is the first of four lists detailing the best films released in my lifetime. I will try to make a choice for best film (stuff that gets a Criterion release) and best movie (stuff that gets shown on Saturday afternoons on TNT). Anyway, here it is:

1969
The choice for best film comes down to two revisionist Westerns, a genre that was all cutting edge back then. I slightly prefer the long, bloody, depressing The Wild Bunch over the long, bloody and depressing Once Upon a Time in the West. Perhaps more blood would have placed Paint Your Wagon in their company.

Academy Award nominations or not, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid falls on the movie category and would be a fine choice were it not for The Italian Job, which featured absolutely ridiculous car chases and Michael Caine when he was as cool as Newman and Redford combined.

1970
The best motion picture of the year was clearly M*A*S*H, which neatly straddles the line between popular entertainment and art. Robert Altman or not, I think it is basically a movie, since it has an extended (and beautifully filmed) football sequence.

That leaves the best film of the year title to Five Easy Pieces, a somber meditation on Jack Nicholson's inability to get some fucking wholewheat toast. Who can't sympathize with that?

Honorable mention to the stunning Woodstock documentary. If it wasn't for all the filthy hippies, it could have been the best film of the year.

1971
The French Connection had fantastic car chases, random police brutatlity and the smooth villainy of Fernando Rey. It's definitely great, but only the last point differentiates it from Dirty Harry and Dirty Harry is not a film. So best movie it is.

I go back and forth on A Clockwork Orange. One of my problems with Kubrick is evident in this movie: it could have been thirty minutes shorter. Regardless, Malcom McDowell delivers an insanely committed performance and the themes are still relevant, so best film of 1971 it is.

1972
This was a strong year with films as diverse and entertaining as Cabaret, Deliverance and The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie being released. But in spite of Joel Grey's brilliance, Ned Beatty's unfortunate encounters and Luis Bunuel's satirical wackiness, the best film of the year was easily The Godfather. There is no point in making a film/movie distinction either as it is both a meditation on the difficulty of escaping a life of crime and a movie that gets referenced as "One" without further explanation in The Sopranos.

1973
Few big-budget movies are as much fun as The Sting, the best movie of 1973. SPOILER ALERT: Neman and Redford get away with it. Other notables include The Exorcist, American Graffiti and The Wicker Man.

While Mean Streets features the most realistic bar fight ever filmed and La Grande Bouffe is European decadence at its finest, High Plains Drifter is just about the weirdest mainstream Western ever. I've never thought of the phrase "paint the town red" the same way again.

1974
Because "One" lacked good actors, they added DeNiro for "Two." So yes, Godfather II is the best movie of 1974. I mean, I like The Longest Yard and all, but really.

I left out best film from the previous paragraph so I could name the shoestring-budgeted, non-linear, utterly-confusing F for Fake as the best film of 1974. Why? Degree of difficulty. Orson Welles made a still-resonant essay about the nature of truth for practically no money while still leaving himself time to gorge on French food and wine. He was awesome.

But then I noticed Chinatown was also released that year. Sorry, fatty, I have to go with the fugitive guy.

1975
Our best film for 1975 is One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest over Dog Day Afternoon. I'm pretty sure those were the two last great performances by Nicholson and Pacino as they slowly started morphing into the cartoonish hams we so enjoy today.

While Jaws was exciting and Tommy was delightfully unhinged, the most prophetic (and enjoyable) movie of 1975 was Rollerball. "Jonathan! Jonathan! Jonathan!"

1976
While Rocky inexplicably won Best Picture, the best film of the year was easily Taxi Driver over Network. Frankly we're so far past the point of Network being relevant, it's not even funny.

Rocky is a good enough choice for best movie, because laughable as the series became, the original actually felt plausible. Also the main competitors are cheesy horror crap like Carrie and The Omen.

1977
This year saw the first of many releases of a high-grossing nerdfest that still plagues us today. I don't get the appeal, really. Why do people obssess so much about Close Encounters?

Anyway, while Desperate Living is John Waters' best 70s movie, it's not quite up to the standards of Slapshot, a movie that captures the decade better than any documentary could. And it also has Oglethorpe.

The best film of 1977 is That Obscure Object of Desire, featuring Fernando Rey, two actresses playing the same role and random terrorist bombings. That, right there, is an art film.

1978
While Animal House is still quite funny, at least when Belushi is onscreen, it bears a lot of responsibility for all the retarded comedies we see today. So the best movie of the 1978 is Dawn of the Dead. If you're going to satirize consumer culture, you might as well be really unsubtle about it.

The best film of the year was directed by Michael Cimino. This is notable because I am very unlikely to type those words again in this series. The Deer Hunter proves that a stellar cast (DeNiro! Walken! Cazale! Streep!) and the least subtle metaphor for America's involvement in Vietnam can offset an interminable wedding scene and endless shots of rural scenery.

Next time: the '80s, and a debate on whether Better off Dead is a film or a movie.

I Knew I Was Supposed to Remember Something...

Al Qaeda has so much to answer for.

Oh no

No no no no no no no
No no no
nonononono

Political Metaphors

After the events of last week's RNC, I've come to realize two things. First, I need to drill more, as it is apparently the solution to all the world's ills. Second, I need to find more elaborate metaphors to describe how difficult it is hoping the Democrats fail to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory just this once.

Anyway, what better way to describe the hockey mom's Wednesday night speech in which she blamed the Demi-crats for all the attacks on her pitiful resume than to summon up this WWE classic. Imagine that the late, great Eddie Guerrero is Sarah Palin, the ref is the media and Ken Kennedy (naturally) is the Democratic party. The marks watching this are, of course, the American public. Enjoy.

In a world ...

where there is no one left to do voiceovers for movie trailers ...

McCain/Palin

Why is no Thursday Night Party Person liveblogging the Republican National Convention?

Happy birthday, Michael Jackson

The Guardian has a 50-image gallery; one photo for every year Jacko has been alive.



And this nice lady, also.



What?

How could I have missed SorCon?!?

I am so gonna watch this.

Meanwhile, kp is working the stats.

What makes El perform a spit-take?

I'm glad you asked.

The end of these Games: Liveblog

8:20 It ends as it started: not with a whimper, but with an almighty buh-bang. The Bird's Nest still stands.

8:21 What the hell is that hat? What are these people wearing??

8:22 Aaaand ... ad break. Fabulous.

8:27 Thousands of Chinese Bjorks are invading the stadium! And a man banging a giant flying wheel of Gouda! No, wait: two men!

8:30 Cirque de Soleil has gone waaay too far this time. The Bjorks, covered in bells and singing, are making giant vulva shapes, which then split apart and come back together, while drummers in bike helments go crazy.

8:32 There's a definite bike theme, which makes sense in China. But if I ever see one of these dudes on the inverted neon penny-farthings on Mass Ave, I shall punch him.

8:35 And now everyone is bouncing! On pogo stilts! That's what the hippies will be sporting in Davis Square next summer. Awesome.

8:37 Oh goody, Chevy advertises the car that doesn't exist yet! It runs on unicorn droppings and its exhaust is rainbows! In the meantime, buy our ugly unreliable cars, please.

8:41 All the athletes start running into the stadium at random, waving their flags and wearing their medals (except Puerto Rico, of course) and mingle and hang out and embrace each other. And now we get to see those 100,000 condoms in use ... no? Oh well.

8:45 Ah, the US team, who immediately start chanting "USA! USA!" like good Nazis American patriots. And Shawn Johnson is three feet tall.

8:50 I'll be so glad when we don't have to watch NBC any more and I can stop seeing those terrible John McCain ads. And the Nissan Maxima ads. And the Manningses football ad. And the milky minutes ad.

9:00 The medal ceremony for the marathon. You can tell the guys are having a really tough time climbing on the podium, what with their knees being shot and all.

9:03 Apparently, Ennio Morricone composed the Kenyan National Anthem.

9:06 The Chinese Pete Wentz presents representives of the million-plus volunteers with flowers. And a reminder that the Wal*Mart factory opens at 5:30 am sharp.

9:13 El raises an interesting question: With the exception of the French one, do all national anthems suck?

9:15 The Mayor of Beijing delivers the traditional "You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here" address.

9:16 Okay, the Games are officially closed. That's it. We can go to bed now.

9:21 But wait ... something else is happening. What could it be? Oh, it's a very pretty version of God Save the Queen (the non-Pistols version). How nice!

9:26 Boris Johnson is WALKING! He's evidently drunk, standing with his hands in his pockets on the podium, grinning and waving at people. Great.

9:28 El observes that middle-aged men are crap at waving flags. And that, in the movie version, Johnson will be played by whoever is Chris Farley at the time.

9:35 A BUS! A big red double-decker! And people waiting at a bus stop with brollies. And cyclists. And "Greensleeves." And a zebra crossing, with belisha beacons and a lollipop lady. Oh, wait--the people are all zombies! A little girl walks over the zombies and gets on the bus. And then the top deck of the bus unfolds over the sides while the zombies do the robot. Out of the bus rises flavor-of-the-month Leona Lewis, who perches on a tall pedestal and goes "Looo-lloooo-loooo!" which scares off the zombies. And then a white-haired old lady comes out and plays a Led Zep song. And Willie Dixon still doesn't get paid.

9:41 The old lady plays some hot guitar licks. And just how appropriate is it for the London Olympics to be introduced by a cock-rock anthem about --- OH MY GOD IT'S BECKHAM!!

9:42 The brollies become neon and the bus departs. You know, it wasn't as awesome as I'd been led to believe.

9:46 The moment approaches: athletes walk up a long staircase into the light, kinda like at the end of Close Encounters. Yao Ming is hoisted up to piss on the flame, extinguishing it for good.

9:48 No, wait ... no. Sad, powerful music plays while White Man Group, up on a tower, makes shapes with their naked bodies.

9:51 Aaaand ... we're done. No, wait--now the hundreds of people who had been clinging desperately to the outside of the tower for twenty minutes are flailing around. They look like bees in a hive. They're leaning off the sides and acting like they're not 60 feet up, attached only by cables made in Chi-- never mind.

9:57 That final routine was spectacular, and was basically John Emo's way of saying, "Yeah, London you go ahead and do that thing with the double decker bus and the old lady. No, it's good, really. No, I mean it." London's only real chance is that there's a global virus that gives the world's entire population amnesia, and no one remembers how much China kicks tail in the epic visual presentation department.

10:02 We all sing the pop classic "Beijing, Beijing, We All Love Beijing." I wish I was kidding. El assumes this is Chinese ABBA (or CHABBA, pronounced in the Jewish manner).

10:06 El refuses to use the name McDonald's and now refers to it as "the Scottish restaurant."

10:08 People on cables are flying around the stadium in impressive fashion, but from the musical selections it's clear the party has reached that stage at which the host starts playing real crap songs in the hope it will encourage everyone to leave. Seems the Chinese are just like us: they have horrible pop music, too.

10:16 It's Jackie Chan! Singing! He should really go seek out the Taekwondo gold medallist, roundhouse-kick him in the head and take his frickin' bauble.

10:20 The music is getting faster, the fireworks are brighter and bangier, the acrobats are freaking out, the mascots are foaming at the mouth!!! It makes the Polyphonic Spree look like a barbershop quartet.

So the torch is out, These Games have become Those Games, and Mary Weinberg is heading back to Home Depot, wondering whether she got the early lunch break and if she has to restock the lightbulbs. And after Zhang Yimou's insane display of Chinese superiority, what have we got to look forward to in 2012?

Probably a choreographed gang of ASBO hoodies twocking white vans, while thousands of closed-circuit cameras descend from the rafters, just too late to capture footage of a toddler being kidnapped by a guy in a canoe made from Amy Winehouse.

Of course, we already know what really happens: everyone in the stadium vanishes.

Things I've Learned from These Olympic Games

Here are some random observations from hours of watching these Olympic Games:

• Bela Karolyi should be confined to the balcony of an old theater. Preferably with Andy Rooney.
• The key to Michael Phelps winning any given race is to swim faster than all of his competitors. It is important that he swim faster than all of them because only by swimming faster than all of them will he be able to win the race and claim the gold medal. If you can repeat this type of commentary eight times, you too can be an announcer at these Olympic Games.
• Team handball is a totally awesome sport.
• China totally faked that opening ceremony. Why is anybody worked up about that when there's about a hundred other worse things their government does as a matter of course?
• It is important for sprinters to think strategically and not "leave themselves too much work to do on the final stretch." I hadn't realized that hauling ass for ten or twenty seconds required this much thought.
• I love reading message board comments about how the 6' 5" Usain Bolt should totally try out for the NFL. Yeah, he should give up traveling around the world to track meets for guaranteed money so that he can get decapitated running back punts for the Arizona Cardinals. I wish people would realize that nobody cares about the NFL except Americans.
• If men's basketball was a judged sport the Chinese team would have gotten 9s and 10s while the US got 7s.
• Puerto Rico's streak of not winning gold will continue. My people may suck at Olympic stuff but at least they figured out that stand-up embalming process that will soon sweep the world.
• Bob Costas is still short and he still sucks.

Well, it was educational.

Dead Air

Why do we love Remy and Orsillo? We love them because they announce, they comment, but the don't talk all the goddamn time. Once in a while, they pause. They let it breathe. On an Ortiz home run, often they'll just watch the ball fly, giving it a moment before taking up the chatter again. They don't seem to yearn to fill every fucking second with backstory and speculation.

But not the Women Beach Volleyball idiots. They can Never. Give. It. A. Rest. Endless incessant fucking stupid chatter. Can we have some more backstory on how May-Treanor/Walsh once weren't sure that they should continue to be partners but decided that they should and fired their coach and got a new coach who made them work on the fundamentals? Why did Misty May miss that block? Well, according to Beach Volleyball Announcer Idiots, she should have set up SIX GODDAMN INCHES TO THE RIGHT. SHE MISSED HER IDEAL BLOCK SETUP PLACEMENT BY SIX INCHES, ensuring that her evil Sino nemesis would hit the ball down the line.

I got some advice for you Pythagoras: how about Fuck You? How about you shove that measuring tape RIGHT UP YOUR ASS? How about that? I don't need to know that they are EIGHT GODDAMN POINTS FROM THE GOLD!! I CAN DO THAT MATH! THEY HAVEN'T LOST A MATCH IN MORE THAN A YEAR?? WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME THAT ANOTHER FIFTY GODDAMN TIMES! ASSHOLES!!

Someone needs to vet their mailing list more carefully

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God says no

"According to the AP, at the time of his death, Isaac Hayes was working on the film Soul Men with Samuel L. Jackson and Bernie Mac..."

2008 Olympics Opening Ceremony Live Blog - Part II

9:18 We're revving up the xenophobic commentary in anticipation.

9:20 The Greeks start it off, followed by Guinea. The flag-bearer for Guinea is named Fofanah. That's a fun name to type.

9:22 There are hot Turkish chick athletes? Who knew?

9:23 Yemen appears to be marching to a bagpipe version of "Scotland the Brave." I guess it wasn't just Idi Amin who was really into being Scottish.

9:25 I guess skirts for men is the summer look in Malaysia this year. Again.

9:27 The Malawi team is wearing jackets and scarves. They may have been misinformed about the weather.

9:28 The Cayman Islands are competing in the shady banking practices events. Unfortunately, Switzerland always sweeps.

9:32 The Eritreans are wearing MIT freshman ties. The Jamaicans are openly smoking weed, amazingly enough.

9:33 It's not surprising, I know, but it's pissing me off how Costas in illustrating his ignorance of the world. Examples? Malawi: the place where Madonna adopted a baby. Vanuatu: where James Michener was inspired to write the book that became the musical South Pacific. Jesus.

9:36 The delegation with the least amount of cameras per capita may be, ironically, Japan. They have Tivo. Gambia has a blind dude carrying the flag, that's nice.

9:38 Also, Costas keeps saying things like, "Benin, of course, not expected to win any medals ..." Yeah, piss on their bonfire, Bob.

9:39 Denmark is next. Stupid Dutch.

9:43 Brazil! Wait ... where are the hot chicks?

9:47 Panama is not marching to the Van Halen tune. Lame.

9:48 Is that Bin Laden walking with the Pakistani delegation?

9:49 Cuba walks in and the crowd goes wild. It's pretty much the only other "Communist" country.

9:53 The Belarussian flag bearer has an awesome silent-movie-villain moustache. Of course, he's a fencer.

9:54 The India delegation is taking customer service calls as they walk in. A shot of Bush, sitting legs splayed, checking his watch. Oddly enough, Costas does not comment on this.

9:55 Costas very delicately reads off the name Niger. NICARAGUA, AGUA!

9:58 Man, the Canadians are totally pissed on Molson. Wait, check that. It's Labatts. LimeyG is pissed that there was no good shot of Alexandre Despatie, the hunky diver, currently appearing in the crazy teen flick À vos marques, party!

10:02 Costas just used the phrase "the wily Bongo."

10:03 Spain won Euro 2008. They could give three craps about this. By the way, what's the point of Nadal facing Federer in the Olympics? How is this new or different? Other than they won't be able to breathe.

10:05 Bermuda's guys are wearing some sort of long shorts.

10:06 The Chinese dancers in the infield are slowly losing their energy. It's been at least an hour.
10:07 Bush cheers for Iraq. Too bad he felt compelled to get them blow'd up first.

10:08 Why the hell is the Iron Sheik not carrying the flag for Iran? He's been pretty adamant about them being number one and America p-tooey.

10:09 Hungary's women actually have really cool colorful flowery dresses. Costas doesn't like them. By the way, it took him two words to get from Dominican Republic to baseball. God he sucks. It's his overall "America is waay better than all these podunk so-called nations" attitude. I'm almost dreading the point at which the US team arrives; he's gonna splooge all over Matt Lauer.

10:14 I don't care how good Michael Jordan was, I don't understand why he gets his own Olympic delegation.

10:16 The Sudanese delegation rides in on horseback and slaughters all the Christians in the infield. The Chinese just let it go.

10:17 Laura Bush might actually be enjoying the ceremony. George is obviously dying for a cold one. Come on, be a man, start drinking again!

10:20 Saudi Arabia can barely muster more athletes (17) than 9/11 terrorists (15.)

10:21 It's good that Hamid Karzai is at the Olympics. It's not like he has anything to do at home.

10:23 EEEENNNNGGGGGERLAAAAAND!!!! They have some sort of midget diver.

10:26 Tuvalu, making its first appearance at the Olympics. And given the way the ocean is rising, possibly its last.

10:27 France, baguette, chocolate mousse, soup du jour, Jacques Cousteau.

10:29 The Puerto Rico delegation walks in. Costas immediately goes "Oh thank God the US is next" and cuts to commercial. At least we were spared all the racket.

True story: El said, "Do you know what sport Puerto Ricans have won all their medals in?"
And LimeyG said, "Stealing?" True story. True story.

10:33 Kazakhstan marches in and no they do not re-enact the Running of the Jew. The men are all wearing lime-green thong swimwear.

10:34 Putin gets up from his seat to salute the Russian delegation. Sarkozy yells "asseyez-vous, tete de merde!"

10:36 The Americans walk in, reminding the crowd they need to get back to work making shit for Wal-Mart. Bush puts on his jacket and stands up to wave, thinking "Hot dang! I'm on the teevee!"

10:39 You know, I don't get to see enough of LeBron and Kobe. Thank God I get to see them now.

10:41 Costas again: crazily enough, all of China is one time zone! Just one! Which means--get this--at certain times of the year, in certain areas, the sun comes up at 8am and sets at, like, 11pm! Normal countries don't be acting that way!

10:45 Costas: Bush made a major speech on Asian policy yesterday. Cut to Bush on the stands, banging his mini-flag on his knee like Rainman. There is no way that man is capable of making a major speech on anything.

10:46 I don't believe that was really the Egyptian contingent. They were not walking correctly, for a start.

10:48: The Netherlands are competing in cheese-rolling, clog-dancing, dike-plugging, weed-smoking and prostitution. (Like you hadn't guessed.)

10:51 BMX is an Olympic sport. It can't be long until we get hacky sack.

10:52 The Irish are pissed on Guiness. The Haitian flag bearer is named Joel Brutus, a judo guy. That is an awesome name for what must be the fattest guy in Haiti.

10:56 Vietnam walks in. Costas fails to mention the big 1-0 record they have against a large New World super power.

10:57 Ha ha! It's funny when people from other countries have unpronounceable names, isn't it, Costas?

11:00 Today's language tip: how to say the names of the world's countries in Chinese. Basically, you take the name in English, and then pretend you're a really sarcastic cat who's also kind of sleepy.

11:04 Switzerland is wearing neutral colors, naturally. Federer is the flag bearer, just to rub it in against Nadal.

11:05 LeBron and Kobe are still standing around. In case we were wondering. Which we weren't.
11:12 Do we really need so many countries? Can we merge a few dozen of them? We need to get closer to the utopian vision seen in The Fifth Element where the entire world is run by Tiny Lister.

11:15 The Germans are here. The donkeys and goats in China can breathe easier now. By the way, they claimed a good spot in the infield by putting down their towels much earlier in the day.
11:19 Monaco brings up the name "Grace Kelly" within ten words. Costas is losing it.

11:20 The Moroccans are not wearing fezzes. I call bullshit.

11:21 Australia's prime minister is fluent in Mandarin. Bush likes General Gao's.

11:22 Yao Ming is really fucking tall. To heighten the effect they make a nine year-old walk next to him.

11:31 Our best guess of how they will light the cauldron: Tibetan dissident set on fire and catapulted by members of the Peking Opera.

11:34 Oh good, the part where they reveal the secret ingredient and yell "allez cuisine!"

11:38 The poor bastard behind Yao can't see anything. The military once again takes a flag -- the Olympic one this time -- from civilians. They are pretty sharp, I guess.

11:43 This ceremony could use more fireworks.

11:45 Were all those flags made in China, shipped to their respective countries and then brought back to China for the opening ceremony? Or did every country just pick them up upon arrival?

11:47 It's the parade of Chinese sport heroes to carry the torch. There are only eight.

11:54 The lighting of the cauldron was astonishing. Naturally, it was punctuated by a bazillion fireworks. This has to be the most amazing opening ceremony ever.

Except for Costas and Lauer. They bite.

So, final thoughts. El?

At least after the Chinese collect on all the treasury bills they're holding they will sometimes impress the hell out of us.

LimeyG wants to know: it's such a big hairy deal for the Boston July 4 celebrations to haul a barge with a fistful of firecrackers into the middle of the Charles. How the hell did the Chinese hide fifteen tons of C4 in the rafters of the birdcage?

El and LimeyG out.

2008 Olympics Opening Ceremony Live Blog

7:30 Welcome to the quadrennial orgy of nationalism known as the Olympics. This time around, we meet our future overlords: the Chinese. Live (on tape) on NBC.

7:31 After watching ten minutes of Access Hollywood Olympic Edition we can state for the record that Billy Bush is a complete waste of resources. Like oxygen.

7:34 Can we start a new drinking game? Do a shot every time someone says "these Olympic Games." We'll all be toasted. Swear.

7:43 Tom Brokaw sums up Chinese history: first the earth cooled, then they played ping-pong against American hippies, then Nixon came, then they got the Olympics and built a whole bunch of crap.

7:44 And also, don't take your eyes off them. They're sneaky.

7:48 Okayherewego!!

7:49 Costas is really short, in't he? He must be really psyched to feel tall for once.

7:52 Local boob Bob Neumeier interviews Kobe and LeBron. Unless Big Brown is in the Olympics, that was a waste of plane ticket.

7:54 It was really nice of China to leave space for ad breaks throughout the ceremony. Is the whole night going to be like this? 'Cuz I'm not sure how many times I can take that Bank of America cheering promo.

7:57 Shit, it's the Chinese Keith Lockhart!

7:59 Bush is walking in; pretty much everyone is ignoring him. God, I wish that were true here. Wait, I think he's trying to sit in someone else's seat. They're comparing tickets ...

8:00 Fuck, these drummers are amazing. Plus, all their heads are bleeding.

8:02 They're doing LED banners. In drums. And then they blew up the stadium.

8:04 They use fireworks like they invented them or something.

8:07 I'm glad they got those Philipine prisoners a gig at the Olympics.

8:13 Apparently the ceremony will touch on Confuscianism, Buddhism and Taoism. Can you imagine if the Atlanta Games' ceremony was themed around Mormonism, Scientology and Snake-Handlingism?

8:16 Parade of the Chubby, Spoiled Only Children.

8:17 Screw you kids, we have guns, we're taking the flag. The Chinese army takes the flag away from the little chubbos.

8:18 Chinese national anthem.

8:21 I assume the British Olympic committee is watching this and thinking, "How the hell are we going to follow this?"

8:23 Two words: Guy Ritchie.

8:24 It's official: the Chinese have invented the world's biggest telly. It's a 500+-foot LED screen.

8:26 It's okay, London can trot out Amy Winehouse for entertainment. Presuming she's alive.

8:30 A whole bunch of dudes wearing paper dresses are doing a full-voiced Chinese version of what I assume is "Lllllet's get ready to rrrrrummmbllllle!"

8:32 If the Chinese are rubbing it in this much about inventing paper and printing, I'm afraid of how they'll cover inventing gunpowder.

8:39 The director of the opening ceremony is apparently named Jon Emo.

8:40 Uh-oh. We're about to see the world's largest frat initiation ceremony.

8:44 I believe the political effect of the ceremony is to make everyone in the world think "I, for one, welcome our new ant overlords."

8:48 Oh my God, they are erecting columns in the field. Heh-heh, erecting.

8:51 Now it's Chinese Little Richard sitting with a Mini-Me at the piano and surrounded by green-neon-clad Oompa Loompas.

8:55 The neon Oompa Loompas just built a replica of the stadium by sitting on each other's shoulders. This is completely insane.

8:57 This really is redonk. Just when you think they can't possibly do anything more technologically or choreographically or cinematographically advanced, they go one. Step. Further. It's almost as though they're saying, "Screw you, so-called advanced West. We only don't kick your ass now because we're waiting until we can buy you outright."

9:00 I call bullshit. It's been a full hour and nobody has flown twenty feet in the air to deliver a roundhouse kick to the head.

9:05 I hope Sting now feels assured that the Chinese do love their children too.

9:10 Holy crap. they've conquered gravity. One can only assume time travel is next. No, wait, even better: they're unveiling the Death Star. With people doing somersaults around it.

9:12 Here comes Sarah Brightman to ruin an otherwise perfect evening.

9:15 Perhaps the environmental situation in Beijing wouldn't be so bad if they didn't shoot off a crapload of fireworks every ten minutes.

9:17 Parade of nations is next, says the pompous little person on NBC. We're opening up a new entry.

Drag queen names found on Facebook

Crystal D'Canter
Ophelia Balls
Lidia Box
Mandy Gap (in London, of course)
Cameille Humps
Tanya Hyde
Donna K-Bab
Sally Monella
Amy Lamé
Heidi Liscious
Chan-Don Moet
Izzie Moist
Miss Cookie Monstrar
Elaine Stretched
Dilwhorous Van Pum-pum
Wilma Fingadoo
Rhoda Hoarse
Ria Enders

I know you have been inconvenienced

and I am prepared to compensate you.

Olympics Opening Ceremony Live Blog

Limeyg and I will be live-blogging the Olympics Opening Ceremony on Friday evening (August 8.) Coverage starts at 7:30 and goes on until 12. We're prepping our Bob-Costas-is-really-short jokes as I type.

Our Long National Nightmare is Over

I'm so glad that Mr. Interception himself has been traded from the pressure-packed Packers to the leisurely low-expectations of the Jets. Moving from the white-hot media glare of Wisconsin to a perennial loser, we won't have to hear about him anymore on the news.

Wait, it's the New York Jets? We're doomed.

Famous Bowl

I know you don't have a lunch gun.

It Was Fun While It Lasted

After today's Red Sox trade the team may or may not get better, but it surely will be less interesting. I bet Jason Bay doesn't jog to first base, comically misplay fly balls, cut off throws from other outfielders, take leaks in the Monster during pitching changes or play whole innings with a water bottle in his back pocket. Hell, he probably uses toilet paper like regular people.

I know I will miss Manny Ramirez. But I bet the CHB will miss him more.