2008 Olympics Opening Ceremony Live Blog - Part II

9:18 We're revving up the xenophobic commentary in anticipation.

9:20 The Greeks start it off, followed by Guinea. The flag-bearer for Guinea is named Fofanah. That's a fun name to type.

9:22 There are hot Turkish chick athletes? Who knew?

9:23 Yemen appears to be marching to a bagpipe version of "Scotland the Brave." I guess it wasn't just Idi Amin who was really into being Scottish.

9:25 I guess skirts for men is the summer look in Malaysia this year. Again.

9:27 The Malawi team is wearing jackets and scarves. They may have been misinformed about the weather.

9:28 The Cayman Islands are competing in the shady banking practices events. Unfortunately, Switzerland always sweeps.

9:32 The Eritreans are wearing MIT freshman ties. The Jamaicans are openly smoking weed, amazingly enough.

9:33 It's not surprising, I know, but it's pissing me off how Costas in illustrating his ignorance of the world. Examples? Malawi: the place where Madonna adopted a baby. Vanuatu: where James Michener was inspired to write the book that became the musical South Pacific. Jesus.

9:36 The delegation with the least amount of cameras per capita may be, ironically, Japan. They have Tivo. Gambia has a blind dude carrying the flag, that's nice.

9:38 Also, Costas keeps saying things like, "Benin, of course, not expected to win any medals ..." Yeah, piss on their bonfire, Bob.

9:39 Denmark is next. Stupid Dutch.

9:43 Brazil! Wait ... where are the hot chicks?

9:47 Panama is not marching to the Van Halen tune. Lame.

9:48 Is that Bin Laden walking with the Pakistani delegation?

9:49 Cuba walks in and the crowd goes wild. It's pretty much the only other "Communist" country.

9:53 The Belarussian flag bearer has an awesome silent-movie-villain moustache. Of course, he's a fencer.

9:54 The India delegation is taking customer service calls as they walk in. A shot of Bush, sitting legs splayed, checking his watch. Oddly enough, Costas does not comment on this.

9:55 Costas very delicately reads off the name Niger. NICARAGUA, AGUA!

9:58 Man, the Canadians are totally pissed on Molson. Wait, check that. It's Labatts. LimeyG is pissed that there was no good shot of Alexandre Despatie, the hunky diver, currently appearing in the crazy teen flick À vos marques, party!

10:02 Costas just used the phrase "the wily Bongo."

10:03 Spain won Euro 2008. They could give three craps about this. By the way, what's the point of Nadal facing Federer in the Olympics? How is this new or different? Other than they won't be able to breathe.

10:05 Bermuda's guys are wearing some sort of long shorts.

10:06 The Chinese dancers in the infield are slowly losing their energy. It's been at least an hour.
10:07 Bush cheers for Iraq. Too bad he felt compelled to get them blow'd up first.

10:08 Why the hell is the Iron Sheik not carrying the flag for Iran? He's been pretty adamant about them being number one and America p-tooey.

10:09 Hungary's women actually have really cool colorful flowery dresses. Costas doesn't like them. By the way, it took him two words to get from Dominican Republic to baseball. God he sucks. It's his overall "America is waay better than all these podunk so-called nations" attitude. I'm almost dreading the point at which the US team arrives; he's gonna splooge all over Matt Lauer.

10:14 I don't care how good Michael Jordan was, I don't understand why he gets his own Olympic delegation.

10:16 The Sudanese delegation rides in on horseback and slaughters all the Christians in the infield. The Chinese just let it go.

10:17 Laura Bush might actually be enjoying the ceremony. George is obviously dying for a cold one. Come on, be a man, start drinking again!

10:20 Saudi Arabia can barely muster more athletes (17) than 9/11 terrorists (15.)

10:21 It's good that Hamid Karzai is at the Olympics. It's not like he has anything to do at home.

10:23 EEEENNNNGGGGGERLAAAAAND!!!! They have some sort of midget diver.

10:26 Tuvalu, making its first appearance at the Olympics. And given the way the ocean is rising, possibly its last.

10:27 France, baguette, chocolate mousse, soup du jour, Jacques Cousteau.

10:29 The Puerto Rico delegation walks in. Costas immediately goes "Oh thank God the US is next" and cuts to commercial. At least we were spared all the racket.

True story: El said, "Do you know what sport Puerto Ricans have won all their medals in?"
And LimeyG said, "Stealing?" True story. True story.

10:33 Kazakhstan marches in and no they do not re-enact the Running of the Jew. The men are all wearing lime-green thong swimwear.

10:34 Putin gets up from his seat to salute the Russian delegation. Sarkozy yells "asseyez-vous, tete de merde!"

10:36 The Americans walk in, reminding the crowd they need to get back to work making shit for Wal-Mart. Bush puts on his jacket and stands up to wave, thinking "Hot dang! I'm on the teevee!"

10:39 You know, I don't get to see enough of LeBron and Kobe. Thank God I get to see them now.

10:41 Costas again: crazily enough, all of China is one time zone! Just one! Which means--get this--at certain times of the year, in certain areas, the sun comes up at 8am and sets at, like, 11pm! Normal countries don't be acting that way!

10:45 Costas: Bush made a major speech on Asian policy yesterday. Cut to Bush on the stands, banging his mini-flag on his knee like Rainman. There is no way that man is capable of making a major speech on anything.

10:46 I don't believe that was really the Egyptian contingent. They were not walking correctly, for a start.

10:48: The Netherlands are competing in cheese-rolling, clog-dancing, dike-plugging, weed-smoking and prostitution. (Like you hadn't guessed.)

10:51 BMX is an Olympic sport. It can't be long until we get hacky sack.

10:52 The Irish are pissed on Guiness. The Haitian flag bearer is named Joel Brutus, a judo guy. That is an awesome name for what must be the fattest guy in Haiti.

10:56 Vietnam walks in. Costas fails to mention the big 1-0 record they have against a large New World super power.

10:57 Ha ha! It's funny when people from other countries have unpronounceable names, isn't it, Costas?

11:00 Today's language tip: how to say the names of the world's countries in Chinese. Basically, you take the name in English, and then pretend you're a really sarcastic cat who's also kind of sleepy.

11:04 Switzerland is wearing neutral colors, naturally. Federer is the flag bearer, just to rub it in against Nadal.

11:05 LeBron and Kobe are still standing around. In case we were wondering. Which we weren't.
11:12 Do we really need so many countries? Can we merge a few dozen of them? We need to get closer to the utopian vision seen in The Fifth Element where the entire world is run by Tiny Lister.

11:15 The Germans are here. The donkeys and goats in China can breathe easier now. By the way, they claimed a good spot in the infield by putting down their towels much earlier in the day.
11:19 Monaco brings up the name "Grace Kelly" within ten words. Costas is losing it.

11:20 The Moroccans are not wearing fezzes. I call bullshit.

11:21 Australia's prime minister is fluent in Mandarin. Bush likes General Gao's.

11:22 Yao Ming is really fucking tall. To heighten the effect they make a nine year-old walk next to him.

11:31 Our best guess of how they will light the cauldron: Tibetan dissident set on fire and catapulted by members of the Peking Opera.

11:34 Oh good, the part where they reveal the secret ingredient and yell "allez cuisine!"

11:38 The poor bastard behind Yao can't see anything. The military once again takes a flag -- the Olympic one this time -- from civilians. They are pretty sharp, I guess.

11:43 This ceremony could use more fireworks.

11:45 Were all those flags made in China, shipped to their respective countries and then brought back to China for the opening ceremony? Or did every country just pick them up upon arrival?

11:47 It's the parade of Chinese sport heroes to carry the torch. There are only eight.

11:54 The lighting of the cauldron was astonishing. Naturally, it was punctuated by a bazillion fireworks. This has to be the most amazing opening ceremony ever.

Except for Costas and Lauer. They bite.

So, final thoughts. El?

At least after the Chinese collect on all the treasury bills they're holding they will sometimes impress the hell out of us.

LimeyG wants to know: it's such a big hairy deal for the Boston July 4 celebrations to haul a barge with a fistful of firecrackers into the middle of the Charles. How the hell did the Chinese hide fifteen tons of C4 in the rafters of the birdcage?

El and LimeyG out.