Hacking Mass 2008 Recap

When we last checked in with the Tobias Funke All Stars, the team had ridden a consistent streak of ineptitude all the way to the top of the Hacking Mass 2008 standings. Unfortunately, when a Hacking Mass team is doing that well, it means many of the players are in danger of spending the rest of the summer on the bench or playing golf. So it was with the TFASs as they faded to finish 123 out of 1,052 entrants. While I am happy with this result, an analysis of each member of the team is needed to understand why they fell so sharply in the standings. So here they are, for the last time, the Tobias Funke All Stars:

C - Paul LoDuca, FLA, 36 Exuded Stiff Points, Net or ESPN
LoDuca endured two trips to the disabled list, a release by the worst-team in baseball Washington Nationals and a stopover in AAA. In between he hit .243 with no home runs. This teen-chasing, gambling, steroid user may have just seen his last baseball paycheck. Too bad he didn't contribute more this year.

1B - Rich Aurilia, SFG, 24 ESPN
Unlike LoDuca, Aurilia seems to be a good teammate, which may be why he keeps drawing a paycheck in spite of slowly decaying results. After posting a .672 OPS last year, Aurilia bounced back with a .745 this year, thanks to a .903 OPS against lefties. While his numbers were weak for a first baseman, they were not exceptional from a Hacking Mass perspective.

2B - Juan Uribe, CWS, 42 ESPN
Uribe is the only one of these guys who was still playing in October. Part of the reason is that his team figured out that last year was not a fluke so he ended up with 210 less plate appearances than in 2007. That decision limited his Hacking Mass value, but helped the White Sox reach the postseason. A very selfish move by Ozzie Guillen.

SS - Tony Pena, KCR, 95 ESPN
The most valuable shortstop in Hacking Mass put together a historically bad offensive season: a .169 batting average, 6 walks against 49 strikeouts, six extra-base hits and a .398 OPS. His ineptitude was such that even the Royals had enough, limiting his plate appearances to only 235 for the year, only 45 of which were after the All Star game.

3B - Jose Castillo, HOU, 60 ESPN
Castillo was waived by the Giants in August and picked up by the Astros to finish out the year. A truly generic bad player with a career .675 OPS, he must be a really nice guy to keep getting 400+ plate appearances a year. He's the Hacking Mass equivalent of a solid, contributing regular like Mike Lowell.

LF - Eric Byrnes, ARI, 36 ESPN
Two trips to the disabled list, the last of which ended his season in June, derailed what could have been a monster Hacking Mass for the inexplicably overpaid Byrnes. The Diamondbacks wasted 224 plate appearances on a guy with a .641 OPS, not to mention over $6.6M in salary.

CF - Joey Gathright, KCR, 68 ESPN
Joey spent four weeks on the disabled list from late July to late August and was benched upon his return, which meant he only had 50 plate appearances in the second half of the season. It's too bad because he's a Hacking Mass stud: he hit four extra-base hits in 279 at bats. Why couldn't the Royals just continue to play him and Tony Pena? What do you mean they were trying to win?

RF - Brad Wilkerson, TOR, 51 ESPN
Brad has followed the prototypical baseball career progression, peaking at age 27 and slowly declining from there. He was released by the Mariners, the second-worst team in baseball, then caught on with the Blue Jays. I'm sure his agent is explaining the term "non-roster invitee" to him right now.

SP - Matt Morris, PIT, 38 ESPN
Exhibit A on how baseball management finally understands the concept of a sunk cost. In spite of having a guaranteed $10M salary for the year, the Pirates released him after five starts and 22 1/3 innings. Deservedly so, since he did post an ERA of 9.67. As a comparison, I also started five games for my company softball team but only allowed 8.50 runs per game. Morris officially retired and not in a bullshit Favre way either.

SP - Steve Trachsel, BAL, 52 ESPN
Trachsel outlasted Morris by pitching in ten games. He also posted a horrific 8.39 ERA. I'm not sure if he also officially retired or if all thirty major league teams have just stopped taking his calls.

Anyway, it's only 186 days until the deadline for next year's Hacking Mass entries.