Things I've Learned from These Olympic Games

Here are some random observations from hours of watching these Olympic Games:

• Bela Karolyi should be confined to the balcony of an old theater. Preferably with Andy Rooney.
• The key to Michael Phelps winning any given race is to swim faster than all of his competitors. It is important that he swim faster than all of them because only by swimming faster than all of them will he be able to win the race and claim the gold medal. If you can repeat this type of commentary eight times, you too can be an announcer at these Olympic Games.
• Team handball is a totally awesome sport.
• China totally faked that opening ceremony. Why is anybody worked up about that when there's about a hundred other worse things their government does as a matter of course?
• It is important for sprinters to think strategically and not "leave themselves too much work to do on the final stretch." I hadn't realized that hauling ass for ten or twenty seconds required this much thought.
• I love reading message board comments about how the 6' 5" Usain Bolt should totally try out for the NFL. Yeah, he should give up traveling around the world to track meets for guaranteed money so that he can get decapitated running back punts for the Arizona Cardinals. I wish people would realize that nobody cares about the NFL except Americans.
• If men's basketball was a judged sport the Chinese team would have gotten 9s and 10s while the US got 7s.
• Puerto Rico's streak of not winning gold will continue. My people may suck at Olympic stuff but at least they figured out that stand-up embalming process that will soon sweep the world.
• Bob Costas is still short and he still sucks.

Well, it was educational.