Next

In Next, Lee Tamahori's craptacular spectacle, Nicholas Cage can see two minutes into the future. That's probably far enough for him to discern the declining trajectory of his career. Rather than, say, rake in an anonymous bundle day trading, Cage puts on a 3rd rate downtown Vegas magic act, and in his downtime mystifies the casinos' Eyes In The Sky with his flawless blackjack game. "He's not counting, not at the top of a five-deck shoe." It's Magic! Fuck You!

The FBI, who don't go to the corner store without rolling a convoy of CTU-office-in-a-trucks, sends paycheck-collecting Julianne Moore to size up his act and "ask" for his help, "ask" being FBI-talk for prying Cage's eyelids open Clockwork-Orange-style. Vaguely European Loose Nuking bad guys (yeah, Euro, it's like we're going back in time to Die Hard 1) are so far up the ass of the FBI that they glom onto Cage at the same time, apparently certain that if some FBI idiot wants to bet her career that Cage's prestidigitator act is for reals, well it must be so, and their Entire Fucking Nefarious Terrorist Plot is at risk. Why do the Bad Guy Shitheads spend their time following around the FBI instead of getting their bomb shit together? Who knows? It was in the script.

After a useless romantic subplot trip to an Indian reservation in the Grand Canyon, written into the script, I Shit You Not, because Cage-the-actor went there on his honeymoon (I learned this on the "making of" extra feature -- don't ask, I was trying out the new blu-ray player), Cage accompanies the FBI to LA to save his kidnapped and bombed-up GF Jessica Biel and, oh yeah, save LA from that Nuke. They immediately encounter what, well, how about we have 25 or so henchmen with machine guns running around, what, I dunno... I KNOW! How about a big industrial building on the docks? I've never seen that in every fucking A-Team episode!! Cage will use his superfuturepower to spot the shooters, tipping off the thankful FBI agents, and, I swear to fuckin God, disarm their LASER TRIP MINES THAT THEY STOLE FROM DUKE NUKEM 3D! But in all the fun Cage and the FBI forgot there was a giant fucking bomb somewhere and whoops, will Cage Make a mistake and KA-FUCKING-BOOM, bye bye LA?!? Will they Do That??

I have some questions:

1. Where does Cage's power come from? Why does Biel extend Cage's foresight? True Love? I'm just guessing here. Really?
2. If the FBI can kill the signal to the sniper's cellfone, why can't they also jam the one on Biel's Body Bomb? (and why does that sound like a shampoo?)
3. It was all a dream? YOU HAVE TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME. THAT'S THE BEST YOU COULD DO? If you can wind back half the fucking movie, why don't you go clear to the start, and GIVE ME MY 92 MINUTES BACK! FUCK!!
   

They had plenty of budget and three good actors. Even Cage, who was excellent in The Weather Man, and, well, made a convincing junior burger slinger in Fast Times. All they were missing is a Fucking Story, and maybe Biel's signoff to show her tits.

I like a good bad movie as much as the next guy, but this shit makes me lose faith in the movie-industrial complex. Fuck all yall.

Best. Oscar. Acceptance. Evar.

Suck it Roberto Benini.

A perfect metaphor for Mets baseball

Imagine that tower were the Mets playoff chances on September 15. The video epitomizes the period from September 15 until the end of the season.



The Final Demise of Shea Stadium. Site of El and KP road trip to NYC in 1992. Second highlight after drinking martinis and watching "Father Goose" starring Cary Grant and Leslie Caron in a Times Square bar in the early afternoon.

Génériques de l'enfer (theme songs from hell)

Q: What's worse than the theme songs from crappy prime-time TV action shows?

A: The theme songs from crappy prime-time TV action shows in French.

Item: Starsky et Hutch



Huggy Bear evidently translates as "Huggy Good-Pipes"; whether that refers to his excellent singing technique is unclear.

Item: The Fall Guy (aka L'homme qui tombe à pic)



Totally loses the brilliance of the English lyrics:

I've gotten burned over Cheryl Tiegs,
Blown up for Raquel Welch.
But when I end up in the hay it's only hay, Hey Hey.
I might jump an open drawbridge,
Or Tarzan from a vine.
'Cause I'm the unknown stuntman that makes Eastwood look so fine.

Item: The A-Team (aka L'Agence tous risques)
What do you mean there are no lyrics? Regardez! Ecoutez!



Avec Monsieur T dans le rôle de Baracuda. This also gets the prize for sounding most like a local ad for a cut-price grocery store.

That is all.

Five haiku about people and their frickin' BlackBerrys

LIBRARY
The tiny keyboard
Still makes enough of a sound
To distract, bastard

KINDERGARTEN TOUR
Very important
The future of his children
Never once looks up

THE PARK
A child on a swing
Daddy, daddy, higher please
But he is texting

STARBUCKS
Can I help you sir?
Excuse me, can I help you?
Sir? Can I help you?

GOTHAM BAR
All businessman types
Emailing just like at work
But here they are drunk

(Stolen from Banterist)

Doing it wrong

I thought I'd done it. I thought I'd discovered the least necessary cover in the history of recorded music. "How could you ever top," I wondered, "Midnight Special covering Boys of Summer at The Utter Place in Minot, North Dakota. How can you fucking beat that?"



"Kyle" even forgot half the of third verse. The Ataris will not be sweating their balls over that performance.

But then I found this. The horror.

Sweary Sopranos Swear-a-thon

If you knitted together every expletive from all 86 episodes of the Sopranos into one long thread, it would be 27 minutes long. Which is less than one might expect.

Lux has left the building

Lux Interior (nee Erick Lee Purkhiser) of The Cramps died Wednesday.

If you are not a fan, the single you might have heard is "Bikini Girls in Machine Guns" which peaked at #10 on the US Modern Rock charts in 1989 (source: Wikipedia). They are worth a listen. Punk + rockabilly + Roger Corman.

R.I.P

How to make an (expletive deleted) cocktail

Take:

• One part Christian Bale
• One part Bill O'Reilly

Muddle together.
Garnish with an overblown sense of importance.

Crank up your speakers and enjoy.

Tadge and cobbles don't pay the rent

Can I get your John HanCock here?

Aaah I kill me. And yeah that's the best I could do.

Lucky Doesn't Take Cabs

As you may have seen in the Globe last week, the Celtics dismissed their "mascot" Lucky the Leprechaun. The reasons for the dismissal were not revealed to the press.

Thankfully, the Sons of Sam Horn have the rest of the story. Key thought:

"Also, this year he started referring to himself in the third person. And better yet, as "Lucky", instead of Damon."

The lesson is clear: you can only act like this if you are a hall-of-fame-level talent.

PiiaB - The Nutritional Requirement (NSFW)

You asked for it, El. Here it is. The RDA equivalents for Put it in a Bowl (TM pending).

1. Johnsonville Beddar with Cheddars. 6-pack. All used. Calories: 1440. Calories from Fat: 1140. (No trans fat, so legal in NYC.) Cholesterol: 300mg. Sodium: 4,560mg. Carbohydrates: 18g. Protein: 60g.

2. Generic Tater Tots. Half of 32-oz bag. Calories: 700. Calories from Fat: 300. (No trans fat.) Cholesterol: 0mg. Sodium: 2,000mg. Carbohydrates: 100g. Protein: 10g.

3. 4 Grade A Jumbo Brown Eggs. Calories: 360. Calories from Fat: 200. (NTF) Cholesterol: 1,080mg. Sodium: 320mg. Carbohydrates: negligible. Protein: 32g.

4. one 15-oz can Hormel 50% Reduced Fat Corned Beef Hash. Calories: 580. Calories from Fat: 220. (Trans Fat: 1g.) Cholesterol: 120mg. Sodium: 2,140mg. Carbohydrates: 48g. Protein: 42g.

5. Velveeta 8-oz package. Use half. Calories: 320. Calories from Fat: 200. (NTF) Cholesterol: 80mg. Sodium: 1,680mg. Carbohydrates: 12g. Protein: 20g.

6. Horseradish. 2 tablespoons. Calories: 60. Calories from Fat: 30. (NTF) Cholesterol: negligible. Sodium: 120mg. Carbohydrates: 6g. Protein: negligible.
+30
7. Claussen Kosher Dill Halves. Three halves, diced. Calories: 30. Calories from Fat: negligible. (NTF) Cholesterol: negligible. Sodium: 1,620mg. Carbohydrates: negligible. Protein: negligible.

8. chippy stuff - forgoing for this iteration.


Totals:
Calories: 3,490
Calories from Fat: 2,090
Cholesterol: 1,580mg
Sodium: 12,440mg
Carbohydrates: 184g
Protein: 164g

The RDA for a 2,500 Calorie/day meal:

Calories: 2,500
*Calories from Fat: 500 (approximately 20% of total calories)
Cholesterol: 375mg
Sodium: ~3,000mg
*Carbohydrates: 375g
*Protein: about 125g

*Assumptions: 2,500 calories per day, fat restricted to 20% of calories, carbs can be calculated by RDA on labels, remainder designated to protein is caculated at 4 calories/gram of protein [4 cals/g for carbs, 9 cals/g for fat].

This concoction will last me for 4 meals - lunch and dinner on SB Sunday and the following day. It is very filling, so it is by no means a single-serving. Broken down by 2 days worth of meals and not including breakfast (even though this is a breakfast-ready meal), a single meal of PiiaB comes to 35% of RDA for calories, 105% of RDA for fat calories, 105% of RDA for cholesterol, 138% of RDA for sodium, 12% of RDA for carbs and 33% of RDA for protein.

Enjoy!

P.S. Total time to prepare from start to finish including the pre-heat time for the oven - 29 minutes.