2008 Olympics Opening Ceremony Live Blog

7:30 Welcome to the quadrennial orgy of nationalism known as the Olympics. This time around, we meet our future overlords: the Chinese. Live (on tape) on NBC.

7:31 After watching ten minutes of Access Hollywood Olympic Edition we can state for the record that Billy Bush is a complete waste of resources. Like oxygen.

7:34 Can we start a new drinking game? Do a shot every time someone says "these Olympic Games." We'll all be toasted. Swear.

7:43 Tom Brokaw sums up Chinese history: first the earth cooled, then they played ping-pong against American hippies, then Nixon came, then they got the Olympics and built a whole bunch of crap.

7:44 And also, don't take your eyes off them. They're sneaky.

7:48 Okayherewego!!

7:49 Costas is really short, in't he? He must be really psyched to feel tall for once.

7:52 Local boob Bob Neumeier interviews Kobe and LeBron. Unless Big Brown is in the Olympics, that was a waste of plane ticket.

7:54 It was really nice of China to leave space for ad breaks throughout the ceremony. Is the whole night going to be like this? 'Cuz I'm not sure how many times I can take that Bank of America cheering promo.

7:57 Shit, it's the Chinese Keith Lockhart!

7:59 Bush is walking in; pretty much everyone is ignoring him. God, I wish that were true here. Wait, I think he's trying to sit in someone else's seat. They're comparing tickets ...

8:00 Fuck, these drummers are amazing. Plus, all their heads are bleeding.

8:02 They're doing LED banners. In drums. And then they blew up the stadium.

8:04 They use fireworks like they invented them or something.

8:07 I'm glad they got those Philipine prisoners a gig at the Olympics.

8:13 Apparently the ceremony will touch on Confuscianism, Buddhism and Taoism. Can you imagine if the Atlanta Games' ceremony was themed around Mormonism, Scientology and Snake-Handlingism?

8:16 Parade of the Chubby, Spoiled Only Children.

8:17 Screw you kids, we have guns, we're taking the flag. The Chinese army takes the flag away from the little chubbos.

8:18 Chinese national anthem.

8:21 I assume the British Olympic committee is watching this and thinking, "How the hell are we going to follow this?"

8:23 Two words: Guy Ritchie.

8:24 It's official: the Chinese have invented the world's biggest telly. It's a 500+-foot LED screen.

8:26 It's okay, London can trot out Amy Winehouse for entertainment. Presuming she's alive.

8:30 A whole bunch of dudes wearing paper dresses are doing a full-voiced Chinese version of what I assume is "Lllllet's get ready to rrrrrummmbllllle!"

8:32 If the Chinese are rubbing it in this much about inventing paper and printing, I'm afraid of how they'll cover inventing gunpowder.

8:39 The director of the opening ceremony is apparently named Jon Emo.

8:40 Uh-oh. We're about to see the world's largest frat initiation ceremony.

8:44 I believe the political effect of the ceremony is to make everyone in the world think "I, for one, welcome our new ant overlords."

8:48 Oh my God, they are erecting columns in the field. Heh-heh, erecting.

8:51 Now it's Chinese Little Richard sitting with a Mini-Me at the piano and surrounded by green-neon-clad Oompa Loompas.

8:55 The neon Oompa Loompas just built a replica of the stadium by sitting on each other's shoulders. This is completely insane.

8:57 This really is redonk. Just when you think they can't possibly do anything more technologically or choreographically or cinematographically advanced, they go one. Step. Further. It's almost as though they're saying, "Screw you, so-called advanced West. We only don't kick your ass now because we're waiting until we can buy you outright."

9:00 I call bullshit. It's been a full hour and nobody has flown twenty feet in the air to deliver a roundhouse kick to the head.

9:05 I hope Sting now feels assured that the Chinese do love their children too.

9:10 Holy crap. they've conquered gravity. One can only assume time travel is next. No, wait, even better: they're unveiling the Death Star. With people doing somersaults around it.

9:12 Here comes Sarah Brightman to ruin an otherwise perfect evening.

9:15 Perhaps the environmental situation in Beijing wouldn't be so bad if they didn't shoot off a crapload of fireworks every ten minutes.

9:17 Parade of nations is next, says the pompous little person on NBC. We're opening up a new entry.