Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, Coors kills Zima.
I hope I can fight my way through the inevitable crowd down at Kappy's so I can stockpile a few cases. Gotta be ready for the next party: Pruno, Superjuice, Purell and Zima. And RWB.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Superjuice? WTF?
The Winnipeg Sun says homebrew-crazed locals are tanking up on violence-inducing pruno.
How many ways can this shithead get it wrong?
"Screaming in their cells" because of some gas in their stomach? They're too drunk to fart and belch? Crazy Canadians!
If anything besides massive alcohol consumption is screwing with their stomachs it's probably some bacterial infection they picked up from their unsterilized hooch-brewin jugs.
Here are some clues for morons in the press: "Super" or not, a yeast well-suited to survive in high-alcohol environments will ferment out to between 12-18% alcohol before dying. That's it. If you could get 40% Jack straight outa yeast you can be sure Johnny Law would have smashed a lot fewer stills during prohibition.
The real story: an idiot reporter trying to make news that a new powerful drug is responsible for the bad actions of the local reprobates. You've heard it before: "today's weed is 60 times more potent than the shit your parents smoked," etc etc.
Screw superjuice. For blotto-on-the-cheap, go with Purell.
How many ways can this shithead get it wrong?
The main ingredient is SuperYeast, a fast-acting yeast available in home-brewing stores. Mixed in a pail with sugar and water, one pouch can make 25 litres of superjuice in just a couple of days.Tasty! But, uuh, just about any wine yeast will do the same.
"The standard price of a two-litre bottle of superjuice is $80."Jesus H Christ, you could be getting tanked on Super Tuscans for less. I thought weed was cheap in Canada?
"People drunk on superjuice are prone to violence, wild emotional outbursts, suicidal thoughts and frequent blackouts, Wood said. "With regular alcohol you can know what you are doing up to a point, but with superjuice you can't control yourself," he said.Uuuh, yeah. Shotgun a bottle of Jack and you're cool as Fonzie, but drink super magical superjuice U R BEYOND MR ROBOTO CONTROL FUCT CRAAZY!
"A lot of the times you can hear them screaming in the police holding cells (because) the stuff is still fermenting in their stomach," he said. "It keeps them drunk too because it is still in their system and still cooking. A lot of the time we have to detain these kids a little bit longer because they can stay drunk for so long."Wow, that sounds like an advantage that could be marketed. How has Seagrams not picked up on this yet? "New Thunderbird, Three Day Bender edition."
"Screaming in their cells" because of some gas in their stomach? They're too drunk to fart and belch? Crazy Canadians!
If anything besides massive alcohol consumption is screwing with their stomachs it's probably some bacterial infection they picked up from their unsterilized hooch-brewin jugs.
"Police do what they can to intercept the yeast before it gets to the reserve, often seizing it from arriving passengers at the St. Theresa Point and Garden Hill airports."Because yeast is, uuh, illegal? Well they'd better also suck all the air out of the reserve, because it's full of the shit!
Here are some clues for morons in the press: "Super" or not, a yeast well-suited to survive in high-alcohol environments will ferment out to between 12-18% alcohol before dying. That's it. If you could get 40% Jack straight outa yeast you can be sure Johnny Law would have smashed a lot fewer stills during prohibition.
The real story: an idiot reporter trying to make news that a new powerful drug is responsible for the bad actions of the local reprobates. You've heard it before: "today's weed is 60 times more potent than the shit your parents smoked," etc etc.
Screw superjuice. For blotto-on-the-cheap, go with Purell.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Congratulations to the Tampa Bay Rays
Well, the Red Sox could not get it done last night, losing 3-1 to Tampa Bay. The Rays will be attending their first World Series since their entry into the Majors in 1998. They will be facing the Philadelphia Philles, who have been around since they started as the Philadelphia Quakers in 1883. In that time, they have won a single World Series, in 1980 (beat the Kansas City Royals 4 games to 2), and lost in 1915 (4-2 to the Boston Red Sox), 1950 (4-0 to the Yankees), 1983 (4-1 to Baltimore Orioles), and 1993 (4-2 to Toronto Blue Jays on Joe Carter's Series-ending home run).
My hope is that the Phillies defeat the Rays 4-2. The town of Philadelphia deserves it after the disappointment and choking (I'm looking at you, Andy Reid and Donovan McNabb!) that has characterized Philadelphia sports. The two games I hope they lose should be crushing defeats of wife-beater Brett Myers.
My hope is that the Phillies defeat the Rays 4-2. The town of Philadelphia deserves it after the disappointment and choking (I'm looking at you, Andy Reid and Donovan McNabb!) that has characterized Philadelphia sports. The two games I hope they lose should be crushing defeats of wife-beater Brett Myers.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
McCain's Last Chance
There's one big endorsement remaining that could still swing the election to old Walnuts. No, not Bin Laden. If McCain can get W to endorse Obama, voters will recoil in horror and start regarding this one as the safe choice.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Walnuts v. Hopey III, The Final Chapter Liveblog
9:02 - Live from New York, it's WEDNESDAY NIGHT!
9:03 - Elitist update: I'm drinking Guwirt, err, Gewir, that German grape wine.
9:04 - Man, Walnuts is on downers tonight, he looks totally beat. He can't even keep Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac straight.
9:06 - Given that the minimum salary in major league baseball is about $400K, I think Hopey is losing 750 votes by raising taxes on those making over $250K a year.
9:09 - Hey, McCain. Joe the Plumber can go screw. If he makes over $250K a year, I think he can live without buying his stupid business. That issue may not be the most important thing to worry about at this point.
9:14 - Asking about how these promised tax cuts affect the deficit is a good question. I think McCain will mention earmarks within ten seconds of starting to talk.
9:17 - I was wrong. McCain just dodges the question and goes back to his unworkable mortgage idea. After about a couple of minutes he goes back to the earmarks and the freaking projector.
9:19 - Yes, Obama brings up the fact that earmarks are 0.5% of the budget and then brings up Bush. McCain is then all "I'm not Bush." Whatever.
9:22 - McCain has woken up and at least appears to be alive. However, he is lying his ass off about balancing the budget while cutting taxes and remaining in Iraq.
9:26 - I love how McCain keeps going on about the whole town hall meeting issue. As it is these three debates have been interminable. A whole series of them would have been awful.
9:31 - It is hilarious watching a Republican cry poverty because the Democrat is outspending him.
9:33 - "I'm proud of the people who go to our rallies" says McCain. He supports the KKK!
9:36 - Oh my God, McCain brings up Bill Ayers and ACORN. We have bingo!
9:37 - Obama should just state one thing about Bill Ayers: you don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows. It would sew up the aging hippie vote, although he already has that.
9:41 - McCain will have to justify Palin's existence. Let the horseshit begin.
9:45 - In the Walnuts Universe, Iraq is going swimmingly, we can balance the budget by making government efficient and Palin is qualified to be president.
9:48 - Also, nuclear power is safe. Jesus.
9:50 - It is a bit sad how little they differ on energy issues.
9:53 - Colombia, damnit, that's the solution to everything. Never mind that they're basically an extreme right-wing state whose only export is cocaine. Which is a hell of a drug, I hear.
9:58 - Obama mentions preventive care, which is good. Here comes McCain to talk about his convoluted buy-it-your-own-self health plan.
9:59 - Here comes Joe the Plumber again. Why do we care about this guy again?
10:04 - Again with Joe the Plumber. How representative is this guy?
10:08 - Okay, the idea of McCain nominating a Supreme Court judge is scaring the pants off me right now. I love how he said he wouldn't have a litmus test, except he would.
10:12 - God, McCain is really a pro-life nutjob. Or at least he plays one on the teevee.
10:17 - Here is the problem with education in this country: our kids are dumb.
10:22 - But can Joe the Plumber put his kids through college?
10:24 - Walnuts answer to everything: reform. Hopey's answer: spend. I didn't need another 90 minutes to learn that.
10:28 - McCain has a basic problem. He doesn't look like he really believes the crap he's saying.
10:29 - "In conclusion, I think I can blow up a few more Navy planes in the next four years, thank you" says Walnuts.
10:31 - "In conclusion, I said middle-class tax cut repeatedly, can I be president now?" says Hopey.
In conclusion, Bob Schieffer was very good, the questions were pretty interesting and there were a few good attacks. Yet, it was pretty much a rehash of the other debates. McCain did better than before, but still came across like a bitter old man. All Obama had to do was look presidential again and not screw up too badly and he succeeded in that.
9:03 - Elitist update: I'm drinking Guwirt, err, Gewir, that German grape wine.
9:04 - Man, Walnuts is on downers tonight, he looks totally beat. He can't even keep Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac straight.
9:06 - Given that the minimum salary in major league baseball is about $400K, I think Hopey is losing 750 votes by raising taxes on those making over $250K a year.
9:09 - Hey, McCain. Joe the Plumber can go screw. If he makes over $250K a year, I think he can live without buying his stupid business. That issue may not be the most important thing to worry about at this point.
9:14 - Asking about how these promised tax cuts affect the deficit is a good question. I think McCain will mention earmarks within ten seconds of starting to talk.
9:17 - I was wrong. McCain just dodges the question and goes back to his unworkable mortgage idea. After about a couple of minutes he goes back to the earmarks and the freaking projector.
9:19 - Yes, Obama brings up the fact that earmarks are 0.5% of the budget and then brings up Bush. McCain is then all "I'm not Bush." Whatever.
9:22 - McCain has woken up and at least appears to be alive. However, he is lying his ass off about balancing the budget while cutting taxes and remaining in Iraq.
9:26 - I love how McCain keeps going on about the whole town hall meeting issue. As it is these three debates have been interminable. A whole series of them would have been awful.
9:31 - It is hilarious watching a Republican cry poverty because the Democrat is outspending him.
9:33 - "I'm proud of the people who go to our rallies" says McCain. He supports the KKK!
9:36 - Oh my God, McCain brings up Bill Ayers and ACORN. We have bingo!
9:37 - Obama should just state one thing about Bill Ayers: you don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows. It would sew up the aging hippie vote, although he already has that.
9:41 - McCain will have to justify Palin's existence. Let the horseshit begin.
9:45 - In the Walnuts Universe, Iraq is going swimmingly, we can balance the budget by making government efficient and Palin is qualified to be president.
9:48 - Also, nuclear power is safe. Jesus.
9:50 - It is a bit sad how little they differ on energy issues.
9:53 - Colombia, damnit, that's the solution to everything. Never mind that they're basically an extreme right-wing state whose only export is cocaine. Which is a hell of a drug, I hear.
9:58 - Obama mentions preventive care, which is good. Here comes McCain to talk about his convoluted buy-it-your-own-self health plan.
9:59 - Here comes Joe the Plumber again. Why do we care about this guy again?
10:04 - Again with Joe the Plumber. How representative is this guy?
10:08 - Okay, the idea of McCain nominating a Supreme Court judge is scaring the pants off me right now. I love how he said he wouldn't have a litmus test, except he would.
10:12 - God, McCain is really a pro-life nutjob. Or at least he plays one on the teevee.
10:17 - Here is the problem with education in this country: our kids are dumb.
10:22 - But can Joe the Plumber put his kids through college?
10:24 - Walnuts answer to everything: reform. Hopey's answer: spend. I didn't need another 90 minutes to learn that.
10:28 - McCain has a basic problem. He doesn't look like he really believes the crap he's saying.
10:29 - "In conclusion, I think I can blow up a few more Navy planes in the next four years, thank you" says Walnuts.
10:31 - "In conclusion, I said middle-class tax cut repeatedly, can I be president now?" says Hopey.
In conclusion, Bob Schieffer was very good, the questions were pretty interesting and there were a few good attacks. Yet, it was pretty much a rehash of the other debates. McCain did better than before, but still came across like a bitter old man. All Obama had to do was look presidential again and not screw up too badly and he succeeded in that.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Walnuts v. Hopey Part II, The Live Blog
Will McCain finally snap? Will he unleash a torrent of profanity? Will Obama finally "keep it real"? Will he pummel McCain and yell "Wu-Tang!" while forming a W with his hands? It's live from Nashville!
8:56 As a proper east coast liberal I am sipping a nice glass of fume blanc as I type this. Yay, I'm an elitist!
8:58 One of the more annoying things about presidential elections is that we have to give a crap about what people in Ohio think for a good nine months. We can thankfully go back to ignoring them in four weeks.
9:00 I'm watching on CNN so I can monitor their stupid dial thingie. I'm sure it will head south whenever either of these guys mention the dreaded e-co-mo-ny.
9:03 Two men enter! One man leaves! (Since Walnuts will have trouble finding the exit.)
9:04 Rod Steiger asks the first question. I thought he was dead.
9:05 Bashing CEO pay swings the dial numbers all the way to the top. Nothing beats good old class warfare.
9:07 I love the no new taxes, more spending approach to the deficit.
9:09 So the old dude is going to name the CEO of a company that just announced a layoff this week as Treasury Secretary because she can create jobs. Nice.
9:11 Main Street/Wall Street, suspended campaign, Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac, if he says maverick, I have bingo.
9:16 Neither the Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac nor the deregulation explanation works with the focus groups, perhaps because they don't know what the hell is going on. Hell, they're undecided.
9:19 I love how people blame "politicians" for the credit crisis. Yeah, it was the politicians who voted for Bush twice, ignored the housing bubble and invested money without thinking.
9:22 Does McCain realize that nobody gives a shit about earmarks? And they shouldn't. It's the equivalent of cutting out the free coffee in the break room when your company is not moving product: a pointless little feels-right exercise.
9:25 A whole bunch of nuclear power plants?!?! NIMBY!!11!!
9:28 Child of the Depression on the internet? I call shenanigans.
9:29 God this is repetitive. I have a few programs I'd like to cut: the Navy, the Air Force, the Army, Homeland Security.
9:31 I loved how Hopey pulled out the "go out and shop" card. Man, that was dumb.
9:32 And then BHO pulls out the clean coal business and it sinks my boner. There is no such thing.
9:33 As long as neither of these guys asks for a military draft, I'm cool with them.
9:35 I think Obama just called Sarah Palin a hog.
9:38 Social Security is the juggling chainsaw portion of the debate. It can go horribly, horribly wrong. Hopey punts the question and goes back to taxes. Well played.
9:41 It's funny, but mentioning Ronald Reagan no longer moves the preference dial. It's about fucking time.
9:44 I can't believe that nuclear power is what Jamakkan is seriously proposing. Really? That's all you got? There is no nuclear waste issue? Really?
9:48 These debates are dreary. They just repeat the same crap from the previous time. Why can't they have a "previously on the presidential campaign" segment like they did on The Sopranos? Then they have to say different stuff.
9:51 McCain is wandering around the stage behind Obama for no reason. I think his medication is wearing off.
9:54 Walnuts idea of a good plan is to make people work and research every goddamn thing. Hopey proposes stuff where people don't have to think. Murkans hate thinking about shit.
9:56 The whole private solutions thing worked a lot better before the credit market shat the bed.
9:58 Hopey just schooled Walnuts on the whole state and health care issue. Maybe it's the fancy white wine, but I think it's a rout so far in favor of the black dude.
10:00 The one country in the history of the world who dropped atomic bombs is the greatest force of good in history. Nice to know. Ask the Afghanis, Iraqis and Vietnamese about it.
10:03 Hi, I'm Barack Hussein Obama. I will be taking the morally superior foreign policy position tonight, thank you.
10:06 Let me tell you, right now, sir. I am not your friend.
10:09 The Pakistan question isn't loaded or anything. I mean, comparing it to Cambodia?
10:10 I'm betting nobody mentions this little story in this segment.
10:11 My hero is Teddy Roosevelt. He was the captain of my high school football team.
10:14 Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran. Drink.
10:16 So far, it's been a Willy Lomanesque performance from Walnuts. He's selling like crazy yet nobody is buying anymore. It's almost sad, that Reagan shit used to work like crazy.
10:18 Jammakan thinks everybody has the same hard-on for Petraeus as he does. They don't.
10:20 Okay, the Putin-KGB line was kind of funny, by debate standards. Of course, we shouldn't be talking about how it's wrong to go invading crappy countries in Asia.
10:23 We're entering the last few minutes of the debate, Hopey just needs to run out the clock.
10:26 You know, that Israel question would be meaningful except for one thing. Israel already has nuclear weapons and they can wipe Iran off the map tonight if they so feel like it.
10:29 Finally, the last question. It's from New Hampshire. I guess we still have to care about what they think.
10:32 Tehlime states "of course you're hopeful, you're Hopey."
10:33 Hopey: "hope, hope, hope, change, change, change." Walnuts: "fear, fear, fear, hate, hate, hate." Do we really need to hear this again?
10:34 McCain is ignorant of many things, blocking being one of them. Thank God this is over.
In conclusion, this was a complete waste of ninety minutes as neither candidate said anything new. Barack HUSSEIN Obama did look more presidential. Walnuts still came across as pissed because he has to make sure kids stay off each of his seven fucking lawns. McCain needed to gain ground and this sure as hell didn't help.
8:56 As a proper east coast liberal I am sipping a nice glass of fume blanc as I type this. Yay, I'm an elitist!
8:58 One of the more annoying things about presidential elections is that we have to give a crap about what people in Ohio think for a good nine months. We can thankfully go back to ignoring them in four weeks.
9:00 I'm watching on CNN so I can monitor their stupid dial thingie. I'm sure it will head south whenever either of these guys mention the dreaded e-co-mo-ny.
9:03 Two men enter! One man leaves! (Since Walnuts will have trouble finding the exit.)
9:04 Rod Steiger asks the first question. I thought he was dead.
9:05 Bashing CEO pay swings the dial numbers all the way to the top. Nothing beats good old class warfare.
9:07 I love the no new taxes, more spending approach to the deficit.
9:09 So the old dude is going to name the CEO of a company that just announced a layoff this week as Treasury Secretary because she can create jobs. Nice.
9:11 Main Street/Wall Street, suspended campaign, Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac, if he says maverick, I have bingo.
9:16 Neither the Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac nor the deregulation explanation works with the focus groups, perhaps because they don't know what the hell is going on. Hell, they're undecided.
9:19 I love how people blame "politicians" for the credit crisis. Yeah, it was the politicians who voted for Bush twice, ignored the housing bubble and invested money without thinking.
9:22 Does McCain realize that nobody gives a shit about earmarks? And they shouldn't. It's the equivalent of cutting out the free coffee in the break room when your company is not moving product: a pointless little feels-right exercise.
9:25 A whole bunch of nuclear power plants?!?! NIMBY!!11!!
9:28 Child of the Depression on the internet? I call shenanigans.
9:29 God this is repetitive. I have a few programs I'd like to cut: the Navy, the Air Force, the Army, Homeland Security.
9:31 I loved how Hopey pulled out the "go out and shop" card. Man, that was dumb.
9:32 And then BHO pulls out the clean coal business and it sinks my boner. There is no such thing.
9:33 As long as neither of these guys asks for a military draft, I'm cool with them.
9:35 I think Obama just called Sarah Palin a hog.
9:38 Social Security is the juggling chainsaw portion of the debate. It can go horribly, horribly wrong. Hopey punts the question and goes back to taxes. Well played.
9:41 It's funny, but mentioning Ronald Reagan no longer moves the preference dial. It's about fucking time.
9:44 I can't believe that nuclear power is what Jamakkan is seriously proposing. Really? That's all you got? There is no nuclear waste issue? Really?
9:48 These debates are dreary. They just repeat the same crap from the previous time. Why can't they have a "previously on the presidential campaign" segment like they did on The Sopranos? Then they have to say different stuff.
9:51 McCain is wandering around the stage behind Obama for no reason. I think his medication is wearing off.
9:54 Walnuts idea of a good plan is to make people work and research every goddamn thing. Hopey proposes stuff where people don't have to think. Murkans hate thinking about shit.
9:56 The whole private solutions thing worked a lot better before the credit market shat the bed.
9:58 Hopey just schooled Walnuts on the whole state and health care issue. Maybe it's the fancy white wine, but I think it's a rout so far in favor of the black dude.
10:00 The one country in the history of the world who dropped atomic bombs is the greatest force of good in history. Nice to know. Ask the Afghanis, Iraqis and Vietnamese about it.
10:03 Hi, I'm Barack Hussein Obama. I will be taking the morally superior foreign policy position tonight, thank you.
10:06 Let me tell you, right now, sir. I am not your friend.
10:09 The Pakistan question isn't loaded or anything. I mean, comparing it to Cambodia?
10:10 I'm betting nobody mentions this little story in this segment.
10:11 My hero is Teddy Roosevelt. He was the captain of my high school football team.
10:14 Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran. Drink.
10:16 So far, it's been a Willy Lomanesque performance from Walnuts. He's selling like crazy yet nobody is buying anymore. It's almost sad, that Reagan shit used to work like crazy.
10:18 Jammakan thinks everybody has the same hard-on for Petraeus as he does. They don't.
10:20 Okay, the Putin-KGB line was kind of funny, by debate standards. Of course, we shouldn't be talking about how it's wrong to go invading crappy countries in Asia.
10:23 We're entering the last few minutes of the debate, Hopey just needs to run out the clock.
10:26 You know, that Israel question would be meaningful except for one thing. Israel already has nuclear weapons and they can wipe Iran off the map tonight if they so feel like it.
10:29 Finally, the last question. It's from New Hampshire. I guess we still have to care about what they think.
10:32 Tehlime states "of course you're hopeful, you're Hopey."
10:33 Hopey: "hope, hope, hope, change, change, change." Walnuts: "fear, fear, fear, hate, hate, hate." Do we really need to hear this again?
10:34 McCain is ignorant of many things, blocking being one of them. Thank God this is over.
In conclusion, this was a complete waste of ninety minutes as neither candidate said anything new. Barack HUSSEIN Obama did look more presidential. Walnuts still came across as pissed because he has to make sure kids stay off each of his seven fucking lawns. McCain needed to gain ground and this sure as hell didn't help.
And you thought vegetarianism was for wimps
"The Phuket vegetarian festival celebrates vegetarianism and calls on devotees through self mortification to purify themselves as they take on the sins of the community."
The photo gallery is worth a browse to see people shoving increasingly ridiculous objects through their faces. Here's one of the less daring displays.
The photo gallery is worth a browse to see people shoving increasingly ridiculous objects through their faces. Here's one of the less daring displays.
Google's blatant anti-Lime actions
From an article in today's Guardian (italics mine):
I guess I'll just have to rely on Facebook as my primary launchpad for invective. Levon, hurry up and join.
As mornings after go, there are few combinations more deadly than a computer, too much alcohol and a seething sense of indignation.And yes, I know the rest of you don't have any problems with stuff like this, but what about me, eh? Sums? Time limit? Not even sober!
But there could soon be a solution for people who cannot resist sending an ill-conceived drunken email to their boss or a former lover.
An altruistic Google employee has come up with a system that will block — or at least make people reconsider sending — the type of message they will probably regret the next day.
Mail Goggles, which can be set to spring into action late at night and at weekends, asks emailers to answer a series of short maths questions before sending a message. The basic addition and multiplication sums have to be completed within a time limit.
The idea, according to the Gmail engineer Jon Perlow, is to help those who are a little too tired and emotional to foresee the consequences of their actions.
I guess I'll just have to rely on Facebook as my primary launchpad for invective. Levon, hurry up and join.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Hacking Mass 2008 Recap
When we last checked in with the Tobias Funke All Stars, the team had ridden a consistent streak of ineptitude all the way to the top of the Hacking Mass 2008 standings. Unfortunately, when a Hacking Mass team is doing that well, it means many of the players are in danger of spending the rest of the summer on the bench or playing golf. So it was with the TFASs as they faded to finish 123 out of 1,052 entrants. While I am happy with this result, an analysis of each member of the team is needed to understand why they fell so sharply in the standings. So here they are, for the last time, the Tobias Funke All Stars:
C - Paul LoDuca, FLA, 36 Exuded Stiff Points, Net or ESPN
LoDuca endured two trips to the disabled list, a release by the worst-team in baseball Washington Nationals and a stopover in AAA. In between he hit .243 with no home runs. This teen-chasing, gambling, steroid user may have just seen his last baseball paycheck. Too bad he didn't contribute more this year.
1B - Rich Aurilia, SFG, 24 ESPN
Unlike LoDuca, Aurilia seems to be a good teammate, which may be why he keeps drawing a paycheck in spite of slowly decaying results. After posting a .672 OPS last year, Aurilia bounced back with a .745 this year, thanks to a .903 OPS against lefties. While his numbers were weak for a first baseman, they were not exceptional from a Hacking Mass perspective.
2B - Juan Uribe, CWS, 42 ESPN
Uribe is the only one of these guys who was still playing in October. Part of the reason is that his team figured out that last year was not a fluke so he ended up with 210 less plate appearances than in 2007. That decision limited his Hacking Mass value, but helped the White Sox reach the postseason. A very selfish move by Ozzie Guillen.
SS - Tony Pena, KCR, 95 ESPN
The most valuable shortstop in Hacking Mass put together a historically bad offensive season: a .169 batting average, 6 walks against 49 strikeouts, six extra-base hits and a .398 OPS. His ineptitude was such that even the Royals had enough, limiting his plate appearances to only 235 for the year, only 45 of which were after the All Star game.
3B - Jose Castillo, HOU, 60 ESPN
Castillo was waived by the Giants in August and picked up by the Astros to finish out the year. A truly generic bad player with a career .675 OPS, he must be a really nice guy to keep getting 400+ plate appearances a year. He's the Hacking Mass equivalent of a solid, contributing regular like Mike Lowell.
LF - Eric Byrnes, ARI, 36 ESPN
Two trips to the disabled list, the last of which ended his season in June, derailed what could have been a monster Hacking Mass for the inexplicably overpaid Byrnes. The Diamondbacks wasted 224 plate appearances on a guy with a .641 OPS, not to mention over $6.6M in salary.
CF - Joey Gathright, KCR, 68 ESPN
Joey spent four weeks on the disabled list from late July to late August and was benched upon his return, which meant he only had 50 plate appearances in the second half of the season. It's too bad because he's a Hacking Mass stud: he hit four extra-base hits in 279 at bats. Why couldn't the Royals just continue to play him and Tony Pena? What do you mean they were trying to win?
RF - Brad Wilkerson, TOR, 51 ESPN
Brad has followed the prototypical baseball career progression, peaking at age 27 and slowly declining from there. He was released by the Mariners, the second-worst team in baseball, then caught on with the Blue Jays. I'm sure his agent is explaining the term "non-roster invitee" to him right now.
SP - Matt Morris, PIT, 38 ESPN
Exhibit A on how baseball management finally understands the concept of a sunk cost. In spite of having a guaranteed $10M salary for the year, the Pirates released him after five starts and 22 1/3 innings. Deservedly so, since he did post an ERA of 9.67. As a comparison, I also started five games for my company softball team but only allowed 8.50 runs per game. Morris officially retired and not in a bullshit Favre way either.
SP - Steve Trachsel, BAL, 52 ESPN
Trachsel outlasted Morris by pitching in ten games. He also posted a horrific 8.39 ERA. I'm not sure if he also officially retired or if all thirty major league teams have just stopped taking his calls.
Anyway, it's only 186 days until the deadline for next year's Hacking Mass entries.
C - Paul LoDuca, FLA, 36 Exuded Stiff Points, Net or ESPN
LoDuca endured two trips to the disabled list, a release by the worst-team in baseball Washington Nationals and a stopover in AAA. In between he hit .243 with no home runs. This teen-chasing, gambling, steroid user may have just seen his last baseball paycheck. Too bad he didn't contribute more this year.
1B - Rich Aurilia, SFG, 24 ESPN
Unlike LoDuca, Aurilia seems to be a good teammate, which may be why he keeps drawing a paycheck in spite of slowly decaying results. After posting a .672 OPS last year, Aurilia bounced back with a .745 this year, thanks to a .903 OPS against lefties. While his numbers were weak for a first baseman, they were not exceptional from a Hacking Mass perspective.
2B - Juan Uribe, CWS, 42 ESPN
Uribe is the only one of these guys who was still playing in October. Part of the reason is that his team figured out that last year was not a fluke so he ended up with 210 less plate appearances than in 2007. That decision limited his Hacking Mass value, but helped the White Sox reach the postseason. A very selfish move by Ozzie Guillen.
SS - Tony Pena, KCR, 95 ESPN
The most valuable shortstop in Hacking Mass put together a historically bad offensive season: a .169 batting average, 6 walks against 49 strikeouts, six extra-base hits and a .398 OPS. His ineptitude was such that even the Royals had enough, limiting his plate appearances to only 235 for the year, only 45 of which were after the All Star game.
3B - Jose Castillo, HOU, 60 ESPN
Castillo was waived by the Giants in August and picked up by the Astros to finish out the year. A truly generic bad player with a career .675 OPS, he must be a really nice guy to keep getting 400+ plate appearances a year. He's the Hacking Mass equivalent of a solid, contributing regular like Mike Lowell.
LF - Eric Byrnes, ARI, 36 ESPN
Two trips to the disabled list, the last of which ended his season in June, derailed what could have been a monster Hacking Mass for the inexplicably overpaid Byrnes. The Diamondbacks wasted 224 plate appearances on a guy with a .641 OPS, not to mention over $6.6M in salary.
CF - Joey Gathright, KCR, 68 ESPN
Joey spent four weeks on the disabled list from late July to late August and was benched upon his return, which meant he only had 50 plate appearances in the second half of the season. It's too bad because he's a Hacking Mass stud: he hit four extra-base hits in 279 at bats. Why couldn't the Royals just continue to play him and Tony Pena? What do you mean they were trying to win?
RF - Brad Wilkerson, TOR, 51 ESPN
Brad has followed the prototypical baseball career progression, peaking at age 27 and slowly declining from there. He was released by the Mariners, the second-worst team in baseball, then caught on with the Blue Jays. I'm sure his agent is explaining the term "non-roster invitee" to him right now.
SP - Matt Morris, PIT, 38 ESPN
Exhibit A on how baseball management finally understands the concept of a sunk cost. In spite of having a guaranteed $10M salary for the year, the Pirates released him after five starts and 22 1/3 innings. Deservedly so, since he did post an ERA of 9.67. As a comparison, I also started five games for my company softball team but only allowed 8.50 runs per game. Morris officially retired and not in a bullshit Favre way either.
SP - Steve Trachsel, BAL, 52 ESPN
Trachsel outlasted Morris by pitching in ten games. He also posted a horrific 8.39 ERA. I'm not sure if he also officially retired or if all thirty major league teams have just stopped taking his calls.
Anyway, it's only 186 days until the deadline for next year's Hacking Mass entries.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
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