And this nice lady, also.
What?
Friday, August 29, 2008
Happy birthday, Michael Jackson
The Guardian has a 50-image gallery; one photo for every year Jacko has been alive.
And this nice lady, also.
What?
And this nice lady, also.
What?
Monday, August 25, 2008
Sunday, August 24, 2008
The end of these Games: Liveblog
8:20 It ends as it started: not with a whimper, but with an almighty buh-bang. The Bird's Nest still stands.
8:21 What the hell is that hat? What are these people wearing??
8:22 Aaaand ... ad break. Fabulous.
8:27 Thousands of Chinese Bjorks are invading the stadium! And a man banging a giant flying wheel of Gouda! No, wait: two men!
8:30 Cirque de Soleil has gone waaay too far this time. The Bjorks, covered in bells and singing, are making giant vulva shapes, which then split apart and come back together, while drummers in bike helments go crazy.
8:32 There's a definite bike theme, which makes sense in China. But if I ever see one of these dudes on the inverted neon penny-farthings on Mass Ave, I shall punch him.
8:35 And now everyone is bouncing! On pogo stilts! That's what the hippies will be sporting in Davis Square next summer. Awesome.
8:37 Oh goody, Chevy advertises the car that doesn't exist yet! It runs on unicorn droppings and its exhaust is rainbows! In the meantime, buy our ugly unreliable cars, please.
8:41 All the athletes start running into the stadium at random, waving their flags and wearing their medals (except Puerto Rico, of course) and mingle and hang out and embrace each other. And now we get to see those 100,000 condoms in use ... no? Oh well.
8:45 Ah, the US team, who immediately start chanting "USA! USA!" like goodNazis American patriots. And Shawn Johnson is three feet tall.
8:50 I'll be so glad when we don't have to watch NBC any more and I can stop seeing those terrible John McCain ads. And the Nissan Maxima ads. And the Manningses football ad. And the milky minutes ad.
9:00 The medal ceremony for the marathon. You can tell the guys are having a really tough time climbing on the podium, what with their knees being shot and all.
9:03 Apparently, Ennio Morricone composed the Kenyan National Anthem.
9:06 The Chinese Pete Wentz presents representives of the million-plus volunteers with flowers. And a reminder that the Wal*Mart factory opens at 5:30 am sharp.
9:13 El raises an interesting question: With the exception of the French one, do all national anthems suck?
9:15 The Mayor of Beijing delivers the traditional "You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here" address.
9:16 Okay, the Games are officially closed. That's it. We can go to bed now.
9:21 But wait ... something else is happening. What could it be? Oh, it's a very pretty version of God Save the Queen (the non-Pistols version). How nice!
9:26 Boris Johnson is WALKING! He's evidently drunk, standing with his hands in his pockets on the podium, grinning and waving at people. Great.
9:28 El observes that middle-aged men are crap at waving flags. And that, in the movie version, Johnson will be played by whoever is Chris Farley at the time.
9:35 A BUS! A big red double-decker! And people waiting at a bus stop with brollies. And cyclists. And "Greensleeves." And a zebra crossing, with belisha beacons and a lollipop lady. Oh, wait--the people are all zombies! A little girl walks over the zombies and gets on the bus. And then the top deck of the bus unfolds over the sides while the zombies do the robot. Out of the bus rises flavor-of-the-month Leona Lewis, who perches on a tall pedestal and goes "Looo-lloooo-loooo!" which scares off the zombies. And then a white-haired old lady comes out and plays a Led Zep song. And Willie Dixon still doesn't get paid.
9:41 The old lady plays some hot guitar licks. And just how appropriate is it for the London Olympics to be introduced by a cock-rock anthem about --- OH MY GOD IT'S BECKHAM!!
9:42 The brollies become neon and the bus departs. You know, it wasn't as awesome as I'd been led to believe.
9:46 The moment approaches: athletes walk up a long staircase into the light, kinda like at the end of Close Encounters. Yao Ming is hoisted up to piss on the flame, extinguishing it for good.
9:48 No, wait ... no. Sad, powerful music plays while White Man Group, up on a tower, makes shapes with their naked bodies.
9:51 Aaaand ... we're done. No, wait--now the hundreds of people who had been clinging desperately to the outside of the tower for twenty minutes are flailing around. They look like bees in a hive. They're leaning off the sides and acting like they're not 60 feet up, attached only by cables made in Chi-- never mind.
9:57 That final routine was spectacular, and was basically John Emo's way of saying, "Yeah, London you go ahead and do that thing with the double decker bus and the old lady. No, it's good, really. No, I mean it." London's only real chance is that there's a global virus that gives the world's entire population amnesia, and no one remembers how much China kicks tail in the epic visual presentation department.
10:02 We all sing the pop classic "Beijing, Beijing, We All Love Beijing." I wish I was kidding. El assumes this is Chinese ABBA (or CHABBA, pronounced in the Jewish manner).
10:06 El refuses to use the name McDonald's and now refers to it as "the Scottish restaurant."
10:08 People on cables are flying around the stadium in impressive fashion, but from the musical selections it's clear the party has reached that stage at which the host starts playing real crap songs in the hope it will encourage everyone to leave. Seems the Chinese are just like us: they have horrible pop music, too.
10:16 It's Jackie Chan! Singing! He should really go seek out the Taekwondo gold medallist, roundhouse-kick him in the head and take his frickin' bauble.
10:20 The music is getting faster, the fireworks are brighter and bangier, the acrobats are freaking out, the mascots are foaming at the mouth!!! It makes the Polyphonic Spree look like a barbershop quartet.
So the torch is out, These Games have become Those Games, and Mary Weinberg is heading back to Home Depot, wondering whether she got the early lunch break and if she has to restock the lightbulbs. And after Zhang Yimou's insane display of Chinese superiority, what have we got to look forward to in 2012?
Probably a choreographed gang of ASBO hoodies twocking white vans, while thousands of closed-circuit cameras descend from the rafters, just too late to capture footage of a toddler being kidnapped by a guy in a canoe made from Amy Winehouse.
Of course, we already know what really happens: everyone in the stadium vanishes.
8:21 What the hell is that hat? What are these people wearing??
8:22 Aaaand ... ad break. Fabulous.
8:27 Thousands of Chinese Bjorks are invading the stadium! And a man banging a giant flying wheel of Gouda! No, wait: two men!
8:30 Cirque de Soleil has gone waaay too far this time. The Bjorks, covered in bells and singing, are making giant vulva shapes, which then split apart and come back together, while drummers in bike helments go crazy.
8:32 There's a definite bike theme, which makes sense in China. But if I ever see one of these dudes on the inverted neon penny-farthings on Mass Ave, I shall punch him.
8:35 And now everyone is bouncing! On pogo stilts! That's what the hippies will be sporting in Davis Square next summer. Awesome.
8:37 Oh goody, Chevy advertises the car that doesn't exist yet! It runs on unicorn droppings and its exhaust is rainbows! In the meantime, buy our ugly unreliable cars, please.
8:41 All the athletes start running into the stadium at random, waving their flags and wearing their medals (except Puerto Rico, of course) and mingle and hang out and embrace each other. And now we get to see those 100,000 condoms in use ... no? Oh well.
8:45 Ah, the US team, who immediately start chanting "USA! USA!" like good
8:50 I'll be so glad when we don't have to watch NBC any more and I can stop seeing those terrible John McCain ads. And the Nissan Maxima ads. And the Manningses football ad. And the milky minutes ad.
9:00 The medal ceremony for the marathon. You can tell the guys are having a really tough time climbing on the podium, what with their knees being shot and all.
9:03 Apparently, Ennio Morricone composed the Kenyan National Anthem.
9:06 The Chinese Pete Wentz presents representives of the million-plus volunteers with flowers. And a reminder that the Wal*Mart factory opens at 5:30 am sharp.
9:13 El raises an interesting question: With the exception of the French one, do all national anthems suck?
9:15 The Mayor of Beijing delivers the traditional "You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here" address.
9:16 Okay, the Games are officially closed. That's it. We can go to bed now.
9:21 But wait ... something else is happening. What could it be? Oh, it's a very pretty version of God Save the Queen (the non-Pistols version). How nice!
9:26 Boris Johnson is WALKING! He's evidently drunk, standing with his hands in his pockets on the podium, grinning and waving at people. Great.
9:28 El observes that middle-aged men are crap at waving flags. And that, in the movie version, Johnson will be played by whoever is Chris Farley at the time.
9:35 A BUS! A big red double-decker! And people waiting at a bus stop with brollies. And cyclists. And "Greensleeves." And a zebra crossing, with belisha beacons and a lollipop lady. Oh, wait--the people are all zombies! A little girl walks over the zombies and gets on the bus. And then the top deck of the bus unfolds over the sides while the zombies do the robot. Out of the bus rises flavor-of-the-month Leona Lewis, who perches on a tall pedestal and goes "Looo-lloooo-loooo!" which scares off the zombies. And then a white-haired old lady comes out and plays a Led Zep song. And Willie Dixon still doesn't get paid.
9:41 The old lady plays some hot guitar licks. And just how appropriate is it for the London Olympics to be introduced by a cock-rock anthem about --- OH MY GOD IT'S BECKHAM!!
9:42 The brollies become neon and the bus departs. You know, it wasn't as awesome as I'd been led to believe.
9:46 The moment approaches: athletes walk up a long staircase into the light, kinda like at the end of Close Encounters. Yao Ming is hoisted up to piss on the flame, extinguishing it for good.
9:48 No, wait ... no. Sad, powerful music plays while White Man Group, up on a tower, makes shapes with their naked bodies.
9:51 Aaaand ... we're done. No, wait--now the hundreds of people who had been clinging desperately to the outside of the tower for twenty minutes are flailing around. They look like bees in a hive. They're leaning off the sides and acting like they're not 60 feet up, attached only by cables made in Chi-- never mind.
9:57 That final routine was spectacular, and was basically John Emo's way of saying, "Yeah, London you go ahead and do that thing with the double decker bus and the old lady. No, it's good, really. No, I mean it." London's only real chance is that there's a global virus that gives the world's entire population amnesia, and no one remembers how much China kicks tail in the epic visual presentation department.
10:02 We all sing the pop classic "Beijing, Beijing, We All Love Beijing." I wish I was kidding. El assumes this is Chinese ABBA (or CHABBA, pronounced in the Jewish manner).
10:06 El refuses to use the name McDonald's and now refers to it as "the Scottish restaurant."
10:08 People on cables are flying around the stadium in impressive fashion, but from the musical selections it's clear the party has reached that stage at which the host starts playing real crap songs in the hope it will encourage everyone to leave. Seems the Chinese are just like us: they have horrible pop music, too.
10:16 It's Jackie Chan! Singing! He should really go seek out the Taekwondo gold medallist, roundhouse-kick him in the head and take his frickin' bauble.
10:20 The music is getting faster, the fireworks are brighter and bangier, the acrobats are freaking out, the mascots are foaming at the mouth!!! It makes the Polyphonic Spree look like a barbershop quartet.
So the torch is out, These Games have become Those Games, and Mary Weinberg is heading back to Home Depot, wondering whether she got the early lunch break and if she has to restock the lightbulbs. And after Zhang Yimou's insane display of Chinese superiority, what have we got to look forward to in 2012?
Probably a choreographed gang of ASBO hoodies twocking white vans, while thousands of closed-circuit cameras descend from the rafters, just too late to capture footage of a toddler being kidnapped by a guy in a canoe made from Amy Winehouse.
Of course, we already know what really happens: everyone in the stadium vanishes.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Things I've Learned from These Olympic Games
Here are some random observations from hours of watching these Olympic Games:
- Bela Karolyi should be confined to the balcony of an old theater. Preferably with Andy Rooney.
- The key to Michael Phelps winning any given race is to swim faster than all of his competitors. It is important that he swim faster than all of them because only by swimming faster than all of them will he be able to win the race and claim the gold medal. If you can repeat this type of commentary eight times, you too can be an announcer at these Olympic Games.
- Team handball is a totally awesome sport.
- China totally faked that opening ceremony. Why is anybody worked up about that when there's about a hundred other worse things their government does as a matter of course?
- It is important for sprinters to think strategically and not "leave themselves too much work to do on the final stretch." I hadn't realized that hauling ass for ten or twenty seconds required this much thought.
- I love reading message board comments about how the 6' 5" Usain Bolt should totally try out for the NFL. Yeah, he should give up traveling around the world to track meets for guaranteed money so that he can get decapitated running back punts for the Arizona Cardinals. I wish people would realize that nobody cares about the NFL except Americans.
- If men's basketball was a judged sport the Chinese team would have gotten 9s and 10s while the US got 7s.
- Puerto Rico's streak of not winning gold will continue. My people may suck at Olympic stuff but at least they figured out that stand-up embalming process that will soon sweep the world.
- Bob Costas is still short and he still sucks.
Well, it was educational.
Dead Air
Why do we love Remy and Orsillo? We love them because they announce, they comment, but the don't talk all the goddamn time. Once in a while, they pause. They let it breathe. On an Ortiz home run, often they'll just watch the ball fly, giving it a moment before taking up the chatter again. They don't seem to yearn to fill every fucking second with backstory and speculation.
But not the Women Beach Volleyball idiots. They can Never. Give. It. A. Rest. Endless incessant fucking stupid chatter. Can we have some more backstory on how May-Treanor/Walsh once weren't sure that they should continue to be partners but decided that they should and fired their coach and got a new coach who made them work on the fundamentals? Why did Misty May miss that block? Well, according to Beach Volleyball Announcer Idiots, she should have set up SIX GODDAMN INCHES TO THE RIGHT. SHE MISSED HER IDEAL BLOCK SETUP PLACEMENT BY SIX INCHES, ensuring that her evil Sino nemesis would hit the ball down the line.
I got some advice for you Pythagoras: how about Fuck You? How about you shove that measuring tape RIGHT UP YOUR ASS? How about that? I don't need to know that they are EIGHT GODDAMN POINTS FROM THE GOLD!! I CAN DO THAT MATH! THEY HAVEN'T LOST A MATCH IN MORE THAN A YEAR?? WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME THAT ANOTHER FIFTY GODDAMN TIMES! ASSHOLES!!
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Someone needs to vet their mailing list more carefully
Dear Colleague:
As a valued member of the Iraq Oil & Gas reconstruction
community, you are invited to attend the Iraq Oil &
Gas Summit, November 5-6, 2008, in Houston, Texas.
We invite you to join more than 100 Iraqi business and
government leaders, as well as 300 senior executives from
the US and around the world, currently registered to
attend this particularly timely 2-day event.
Your continued interest and involvement has helped make the
ReBuilding Iraq Conference series the longest-running and
most productive business-to-business initiative in the
history of this striving nation.
In addition to attending Iraq Oil and Gas Reconstruction
sessions, you will be able to meet with decision makers
and successful companies who can help structure benefits
for your own organization as you help build the New Iraq.
Discuss short-term and long-term opportunities in the
New Iraq with important industry and government speakers
who can give you an accurate security report.
* Learn about new multi-billion dollar opportunities in
petrochemicals, pipelines and refineries plants
* Meet and build relationships with executives from leading
energy and international business development firms.
* Find out what you need to know to successfully compete for
the billions of dollars still available in contracts and
sub-contracts to help rebuild Iraqi oil and gas industries.
* Participate in forums with high-level industry
participants and make your voice heard in an interactive
and dynamic environment.
To review the conference detailed agenda and speakers bios,
please visit www.new-fields.com/iogs2008/index.html
As a valued member of the Iraq Oil & Gas reconstruction
community, you are invited to attend the Iraq Oil &
Gas Summit, November 5-6, 2008, in Houston, Texas.
We invite you to join more than 100 Iraqi business and
government leaders, as well as 300 senior executives from
the US and around the world, currently registered to
attend this particularly timely 2-day event.
Your continued interest and involvement has helped make the
ReBuilding Iraq Conference series the longest-running and
most productive business-to-business initiative in the
history of this striving nation.
In addition to attending Iraq Oil and Gas Reconstruction
sessions, you will be able to meet with decision makers
and successful companies who can help structure benefits
for your own organization as you help build the New Iraq.
Discuss short-term and long-term opportunities in the
New Iraq with important industry and government speakers
who can give you an accurate security report.
* Learn about new multi-billion dollar opportunities in
petrochemicals, pipelines and refineries plants
* Meet and build relationships with executives from leading
energy and international business development firms.
* Find out what you need to know to successfully compete for
the billions of dollars still available in contracts and
sub-contracts to help rebuild Iraqi oil and gas industries.
* Participate in forums with high-level industry
participants and make your voice heard in an interactive
and dynamic environment.
To review the conference detailed agenda and speakers bios,
please visit www.new-fields.com/iogs2008/index.html
Monday, August 11, 2008
God says no
"According to the AP, at the time of his death, Isaac Hayes was working on the film Soul Men with Samuel L. Jackson and Bernie Mac..."
Friday, August 8, 2008
2008 Olympics Opening Ceremony Live Blog - Part II
9:18 We're revving up the xenophobic commentary in anticipation.
9:20 The Greeks start it off, followed by Guinea. The flag-bearer for Guinea is named Fofanah. That's a fun name to type.
9:22 There are hot Turkish chick athletes? Who knew?
9:23 Yemen appears to be marching to a bagpipe version of "Scotland the Brave." I guess it wasn't just Idi Amin who was really into being Scottish.
9:25 I guess skirts for men is the summer look in Malaysia this year. Again.
9:27 The Malawi team is wearing jackets and scarves. They may have been misinformed about the weather.
9:28 The Cayman Islands are competing in the shady banking practices events. Unfortunately, Switzerland always sweeps.
9:32 The Eritreans are wearing MIT freshman ties. The Jamaicans are openly smoking weed, amazingly enough.
9:33 It's not surprising, I know, but it's pissing me off how Costas in illustrating his ignorance of the world. Examples? Malawi: the place where Madonna adopted a baby. Vanuatu: where James Michener was inspired to write the book that became the musical South Pacific. Jesus.
9:36 The delegation with the least amount of cameras per capita may be, ironically, Japan. They have Tivo. Gambia has a blind dude carrying the flag, that's nice.
9:38 Also, Costas keeps saying things like, "Benin, of course, not expected to win any medals ..." Yeah, piss on their bonfire, Bob.
9:39 Denmark is next. Stupid Dutch.
9:43 Brazil! Wait ... where are the hot chicks?
9:47 Panama is not marching to the Van Halen tune. Lame.
9:48 Is that Bin Laden walking with the Pakistani delegation?
9:49 Cuba walks in and the crowd goes wild. It's pretty much the only other "Communist" country.
9:53 The Belarussian flag bearer has an awesome silent-movie-villain moustache. Of course, he's a fencer.
9:54 The India delegation is taking customer service calls as they walk in. A shot of Bush, sitting legs splayed, checking his watch. Oddly enough, Costas does not comment on this.
9:55 Costas very delicately reads off the name Niger. NICARAGUA, AGUA!
9:58 Man, the Canadians are totally pissed on Molson. Wait, check that. It's Labatts. LimeyG is pissed that there was no good shot of Alexandre Despatie, the hunky diver, currently appearing in the crazy teen flick À vos marques, party!
10:02 Costas just used the phrase "the wily Bongo."
10:03 Spain won Euro 2008. They could give three craps about this. By the way, what's the point of Nadal facing Federer in the Olympics? How is this new or different? Other than they won't be able to breathe.
10:05 Bermuda's guys are wearing some sort of long shorts.
10:06 The Chinese dancers in the infield are slowly losing their energy. It's been at least an hour.
10:07 Bush cheers for Iraq. Too bad he felt compelled to get them blow'd up first.
10:08 Why the hell is the Iron Sheik not carrying the flag for Iran? He's been pretty adamant about them being number one and America p-tooey.
10:09 Hungary's women actually have really cool colorful flowery dresses. Costas doesn't like them. By the way, it took him two words to get from Dominican Republic to baseball. God he sucks. It's his overall "America is waay better than all these podunk so-called nations" attitude. I'm almost dreading the point at which the US team arrives; he's gonna splooge all over Matt Lauer.
10:14 I don't care how good Michael Jordan was, I don't understand why he gets his own Olympic delegation.
10:16 The Sudanese delegation rides in on horseback and slaughters all the Christians in the infield. The Chinese just let it go.
10:17 Laura Bush might actually be enjoying the ceremony. George is obviously dying for a cold one. Come on, be a man, start drinking again!
10:20 Saudi Arabia can barely muster more athletes (17) than 9/11 terrorists (15.)
10:21 It's good that Hamid Karzai is at the Olympics. It's not like he has anything to do at home.
10:23 EEEENNNNGGGGGERLAAAAAND!!!! They have some sort of midget diver.
10:26 Tuvalu, making its first appearance at the Olympics. And given the way the ocean is rising, possibly its last.
10:27 France, baguette, chocolate mousse, soup du jour, Jacques Cousteau.
10:29 The Puerto Rico delegation walks in. Costas immediately goes "Oh thank God the US is next" and cuts to commercial. At least we were spared all the racket.
True story: El said, "Do you know what sport Puerto Ricans have won all their medals in?"
And LimeyG said, "Stealing?" True story. True story.
10:33 Kazakhstan marches in and no they do not re-enact the Running of the Jew. The men are all wearing lime-green thong swimwear.
10:34 Putin gets up from his seat to salute the Russian delegation. Sarkozy yells "asseyez-vous, tete de merde!"
10:36 The Americans walk in, reminding the crowd they need to get back to work making shit for Wal-Mart. Bush puts on his jacket and stands up to wave, thinking "Hot dang! I'm on the teevee!"
10:39 You know, I don't get to see enough of LeBron and Kobe. Thank God I get to see them now.
10:41 Costas again: crazily enough, all of China is one time zone! Just one! Which means--get this--at certain times of the year, in certain areas, the sun comes up at 8am and sets at, like, 11pm! Normal countries don't be acting that way!
10:45 Costas: Bush made a major speech on Asian policy yesterday. Cut to Bush on the stands, banging his mini-flag on his knee like Rainman. There is no way that man is capable of making a major speech on anything.
10:46 I don't believe that was really the Egyptian contingent. They were not walking correctly, for a start.
10:48: The Netherlands are competing in cheese-rolling, clog-dancing, dike-plugging, weed-smoking and prostitution. (Like you hadn't guessed.)
10:51 BMX is an Olympic sport. It can't be long until we get hacky sack.
10:52 The Irish are pissed on Guiness. The Haitian flag bearer is named Joel Brutus, a judo guy. That is an awesome name for what must be the fattest guy in Haiti.
10:56 Vietnam walks in. Costas fails to mention the big 1-0 record they have against a large New World super power.
10:57 Ha ha! It's funny when people from other countries have unpronounceable names, isn't it, Costas?
11:00 Today's language tip: how to say the names of the world's countries in Chinese. Basically, you take the name in English, and then pretend you're a really sarcastic cat who's also kind of sleepy.
11:04 Switzerland is wearing neutral colors, naturally. Federer is the flag bearer, just to rub it in against Nadal.
11:05 LeBron and Kobe are still standing around. In case we were wondering. Which we weren't.
11:12 Do we really need so many countries? Can we merge a few dozen of them? We need to get closer to the utopian vision seen in The Fifth Element where the entire world is run by Tiny Lister.
11:15 The Germans are here. The donkeys and goats in China can breathe easier now. By the way, they claimed a good spot in the infield by putting down their towels much earlier in the day.
11:19 Monaco brings up the name "Grace Kelly" within ten words. Costas is losing it.
11:20 The Moroccans are not wearing fezzes. I call bullshit.
11:21 Australia's prime minister is fluent in Mandarin. Bush likes General Gao's.
11:22 Yao Ming is really fucking tall. To heighten the effect they make a nine year-old walk next to him.
11:31 Our best guess of how they will light the cauldron: Tibetan dissident set on fire and catapulted by members of the Peking Opera.
11:34 Oh good, the part where they reveal the secret ingredient and yell "allez cuisine!"
11:38 The poor bastard behind Yao can't see anything. The military once again takes a flag -- the Olympic one this time -- from civilians. They are pretty sharp, I guess.
11:43 This ceremony could use more fireworks.
11:45 Were all those flags made in China, shipped to their respective countries and then brought back to China for the opening ceremony? Or did every country just pick them up upon arrival?
11:47 It's the parade of Chinese sport heroes to carry the torch. There are only eight.
11:54 The lighting of the cauldron was astonishing. Naturally, it was punctuated by a bazillion fireworks. This has to be the most amazing opening ceremony ever.
Except for Costas and Lauer. They bite.
So, final thoughts. El?
At least after the Chinese collect on all the treasury bills they're holding they will sometimes impress the hell out of us.
LimeyG wants to know: it's such a big hairy deal for the Boston July 4 celebrations to haul a barge with a fistful of firecrackers into the middle of the Charles. How the hell did the Chinese hide fifteen tons of C4 in the rafters of the birdcage?
El and LimeyG out.
9:20 The Greeks start it off, followed by Guinea. The flag-bearer for Guinea is named Fofanah. That's a fun name to type.
9:22 There are hot Turkish chick athletes? Who knew?
9:23 Yemen appears to be marching to a bagpipe version of "Scotland the Brave." I guess it wasn't just Idi Amin who was really into being Scottish.
9:25 I guess skirts for men is the summer look in Malaysia this year. Again.
9:27 The Malawi team is wearing jackets and scarves. They may have been misinformed about the weather.
9:28 The Cayman Islands are competing in the shady banking practices events. Unfortunately, Switzerland always sweeps.
9:32 The Eritreans are wearing MIT freshman ties. The Jamaicans are openly smoking weed, amazingly enough.
9:33 It's not surprising, I know, but it's pissing me off how Costas in illustrating his ignorance of the world. Examples? Malawi: the place where Madonna adopted a baby. Vanuatu: where James Michener was inspired to write the book that became the musical South Pacific. Jesus.
9:36 The delegation with the least amount of cameras per capita may be, ironically, Japan. They have Tivo. Gambia has a blind dude carrying the flag, that's nice.
9:38 Also, Costas keeps saying things like, "Benin, of course, not expected to win any medals ..." Yeah, piss on their bonfire, Bob.
9:39 Denmark is next. Stupid Dutch.
9:43 Brazil! Wait ... where are the hot chicks?
9:47 Panama is not marching to the Van Halen tune. Lame.
9:48 Is that Bin Laden walking with the Pakistani delegation?
9:49 Cuba walks in and the crowd goes wild. It's pretty much the only other "Communist" country.
9:53 The Belarussian flag bearer has an awesome silent-movie-villain moustache. Of course, he's a fencer.
9:54 The India delegation is taking customer service calls as they walk in. A shot of Bush, sitting legs splayed, checking his watch. Oddly enough, Costas does not comment on this.
9:55 Costas very delicately reads off the name Niger. NICARAGUA, AGUA!
9:58 Man, the Canadians are totally pissed on Molson. Wait, check that. It's Labatts. LimeyG is pissed that there was no good shot of Alexandre Despatie, the hunky diver, currently appearing in the crazy teen flick À vos marques, party!
10:02 Costas just used the phrase "the wily Bongo."
10:03 Spain won Euro 2008. They could give three craps about this. By the way, what's the point of Nadal facing Federer in the Olympics? How is this new or different? Other than they won't be able to breathe.
10:05 Bermuda's guys are wearing some sort of long shorts.
10:06 The Chinese dancers in the infield are slowly losing their energy. It's been at least an hour.
10:07 Bush cheers for Iraq. Too bad he felt compelled to get them blow'd up first.
10:08 Why the hell is the Iron Sheik not carrying the flag for Iran? He's been pretty adamant about them being number one and America p-tooey.
10:09 Hungary's women actually have really cool colorful flowery dresses. Costas doesn't like them. By the way, it took him two words to get from Dominican Republic to baseball. God he sucks. It's his overall "America is waay better than all these podunk so-called nations" attitude. I'm almost dreading the point at which the US team arrives; he's gonna splooge all over Matt Lauer.
10:14 I don't care how good Michael Jordan was, I don't understand why he gets his own Olympic delegation.
10:16 The Sudanese delegation rides in on horseback and slaughters all the Christians in the infield. The Chinese just let it go.
10:17 Laura Bush might actually be enjoying the ceremony. George is obviously dying for a cold one. Come on, be a man, start drinking again!
10:20 Saudi Arabia can barely muster more athletes (17) than 9/11 terrorists (15.)
10:21 It's good that Hamid Karzai is at the Olympics. It's not like he has anything to do at home.
10:23 EEEENNNNGGGGGERLAAAAAND!!!! They have some sort of midget diver.
10:26 Tuvalu, making its first appearance at the Olympics. And given the way the ocean is rising, possibly its last.
10:27 France, baguette, chocolate mousse, soup du jour, Jacques Cousteau.
10:29 The Puerto Rico delegation walks in. Costas immediately goes "Oh thank God the US is next" and cuts to commercial. At least we were spared all the racket.
True story: El said, "Do you know what sport Puerto Ricans have won all their medals in?"
And LimeyG said, "Stealing?" True story. True story.
10:33 Kazakhstan marches in and no they do not re-enact the Running of the Jew. The men are all wearing lime-green thong swimwear.
10:34 Putin gets up from his seat to salute the Russian delegation. Sarkozy yells "asseyez-vous, tete de merde!"
10:36 The Americans walk in, reminding the crowd they need to get back to work making shit for Wal-Mart. Bush puts on his jacket and stands up to wave, thinking "Hot dang! I'm on the teevee!"
10:39 You know, I don't get to see enough of LeBron and Kobe. Thank God I get to see them now.
10:41 Costas again: crazily enough, all of China is one time zone! Just one! Which means--get this--at certain times of the year, in certain areas, the sun comes up at 8am and sets at, like, 11pm! Normal countries don't be acting that way!
10:45 Costas: Bush made a major speech on Asian policy yesterday. Cut to Bush on the stands, banging his mini-flag on his knee like Rainman. There is no way that man is capable of making a major speech on anything.
10:46 I don't believe that was really the Egyptian contingent. They were not walking correctly, for a start.
10:48: The Netherlands are competing in cheese-rolling, clog-dancing, dike-plugging, weed-smoking and prostitution. (Like you hadn't guessed.)
10:51 BMX is an Olympic sport. It can't be long until we get hacky sack.
10:52 The Irish are pissed on Guiness. The Haitian flag bearer is named Joel Brutus, a judo guy. That is an awesome name for what must be the fattest guy in Haiti.
10:56 Vietnam walks in. Costas fails to mention the big 1-0 record they have against a large New World super power.
10:57 Ha ha! It's funny when people from other countries have unpronounceable names, isn't it, Costas?
11:00 Today's language tip: how to say the names of the world's countries in Chinese. Basically, you take the name in English, and then pretend you're a really sarcastic cat who's also kind of sleepy.
11:04 Switzerland is wearing neutral colors, naturally. Federer is the flag bearer, just to rub it in against Nadal.
11:05 LeBron and Kobe are still standing around. In case we were wondering. Which we weren't.
11:12 Do we really need so many countries? Can we merge a few dozen of them? We need to get closer to the utopian vision seen in The Fifth Element where the entire world is run by Tiny Lister.
11:15 The Germans are here. The donkeys and goats in China can breathe easier now. By the way, they claimed a good spot in the infield by putting down their towels much earlier in the day.
11:19 Monaco brings up the name "Grace Kelly" within ten words. Costas is losing it.
11:20 The Moroccans are not wearing fezzes. I call bullshit.
11:21 Australia's prime minister is fluent in Mandarin. Bush likes General Gao's.
11:22 Yao Ming is really fucking tall. To heighten the effect they make a nine year-old walk next to him.
11:31 Our best guess of how they will light the cauldron: Tibetan dissident set on fire and catapulted by members of the Peking Opera.
11:34 Oh good, the part where they reveal the secret ingredient and yell "allez cuisine!"
11:38 The poor bastard behind Yao can't see anything. The military once again takes a flag -- the Olympic one this time -- from civilians. They are pretty sharp, I guess.
11:43 This ceremony could use more fireworks.
11:45 Were all those flags made in China, shipped to their respective countries and then brought back to China for the opening ceremony? Or did every country just pick them up upon arrival?
11:47 It's the parade of Chinese sport heroes to carry the torch. There are only eight.
11:54 The lighting of the cauldron was astonishing. Naturally, it was punctuated by a bazillion fireworks. This has to be the most amazing opening ceremony ever.
Except for Costas and Lauer. They bite.
So, final thoughts. El?
At least after the Chinese collect on all the treasury bills they're holding they will sometimes impress the hell out of us.
LimeyG wants to know: it's such a big hairy deal for the Boston July 4 celebrations to haul a barge with a fistful of firecrackers into the middle of the Charles. How the hell did the Chinese hide fifteen tons of C4 in the rafters of the birdcage?
El and LimeyG out.
2008 Olympics Opening Ceremony Live Blog
7:30 Welcome to the quadrennial orgy of nationalism known as the Olympics. This time around, we meet our future overlords: the Chinese. Live (on tape) on NBC.
7:31 After watching ten minutes of Access Hollywood Olympic Edition we can state for the record that Billy Bush is a complete waste of resources. Like oxygen.
7:34 Can we start a new drinking game? Do a shot every time someone says "these Olympic Games." We'll all be toasted. Swear.
7:43 Tom Brokaw sums up Chinese history: first the earth cooled, then they played ping-pong against American hippies, then Nixon came, then they got the Olympics and built a whole bunch of crap.
7:44 And also, don't take your eyes off them. They're sneaky.
7:48 Okayherewego!!
7:49 Costas is really short, in't he? He must be really psyched to feel tall for once.
7:52 Local boob Bob Neumeier interviews Kobe and LeBron. Unless Big Brown is in the Olympics, that was a waste of plane ticket.
7:54 It was really nice of China to leave space for ad breaks throughout the ceremony. Is the whole night going to be like this? 'Cuz I'm not sure how many times I can take that Bank of America cheering promo.
7:57 Shit, it's the Chinese Keith Lockhart!
7:59 Bush is walking in; pretty much everyone is ignoring him. God, I wish that were true here. Wait, I think he's trying to sit in someone else's seat. They're comparing tickets ...
8:00 Fuck, these drummers are amazing. Plus, all their heads are bleeding.
8:02 They're doing LED banners. In drums. And then they blew up the stadium.
8:04 They use fireworks like they invented them or something.
8:07 I'm glad they got those Philipine prisoners a gig at the Olympics.
8:13 Apparently the ceremony will touch on Confuscianism, Buddhism and Taoism. Can you imagine if the Atlanta Games' ceremony was themed around Mormonism, Scientology and Snake-Handlingism?
8:16 Parade of the Chubby, Spoiled Only Children.
8:17 Screw you kids, we have guns, we're taking the flag. The Chinese army takes the flag away from the little chubbos.
8:18 Chinese national anthem.
8:21 I assume the British Olympic committee is watching this and thinking, "How the hell are we going to follow this?"
8:23 Two words: Guy Ritchie.
8:24 It's official: the Chinese have invented the world's biggest telly. It's a 500+-foot LED screen.
8:26 It's okay, London can trot out Amy Winehouse for entertainment. Presuming she's alive.
8:30 A whole bunch of dudes wearing paper dresses are doing a full-voiced Chinese version of what I assume is "Lllllet's get ready to rrrrrummmbllllle!"
8:32 If the Chinese are rubbing it in this much about inventing paper and printing, I'm afraid of how they'll cover inventing gunpowder.
8:39 The director of the opening ceremony is apparently named Jon Emo.
8:40 Uh-oh. We're about to see the world's largest frat initiation ceremony.
8:44 I believe the political effect of the ceremony is to make everyone in the world think "I, for one, welcome our new ant overlords."
8:48 Oh my God, they are erecting columns in the field. Heh-heh, erecting.
8:51 Now it's Chinese Little Richard sitting with a Mini-Me at the piano and surrounded by green-neon-clad Oompa Loompas.
8:55 The neon Oompa Loompas just built a replica of the stadium by sitting on each other's shoulders. This is completely insane.
8:57 This really is redonk. Just when you think they can't possibly do anything more technologically or choreographically or cinematographically advanced, they go one. Step. Further. It's almost as though they're saying, "Screw you, so-called advanced West. We only don't kick your ass now because we're waiting until we can buy you outright."
9:00 I call bullshit. It's been a full hour and nobody has flown twenty feet in the air to deliver a roundhouse kick to the head.
9:05 I hope Sting now feels assured that the Chinese do love their children too.
9:10 Holy crap. they've conquered gravity. One can only assume time travel is next. No, wait, even better: they're unveiling the Death Star. With people doing somersaults around it.
9:12 Here comes Sarah Brightman to ruin an otherwise perfect evening.
9:15 Perhaps the environmental situation in Beijing wouldn't be so bad if they didn't shoot off a crapload of fireworks every ten minutes.
9:17 Parade of nations is next, says the pompous little person on NBC. We're opening up a new entry.
7:31 After watching ten minutes of Access Hollywood Olympic Edition we can state for the record that Billy Bush is a complete waste of resources. Like oxygen.
7:34 Can we start a new drinking game? Do a shot every time someone says "these Olympic Games." We'll all be toasted. Swear.
7:43 Tom Brokaw sums up Chinese history: first the earth cooled, then they played ping-pong against American hippies, then Nixon came, then they got the Olympics and built a whole bunch of crap.
7:44 And also, don't take your eyes off them. They're sneaky.
7:48 Okayherewego!!
7:49 Costas is really short, in't he? He must be really psyched to feel tall for once.
7:52 Local boob Bob Neumeier interviews Kobe and LeBron. Unless Big Brown is in the Olympics, that was a waste of plane ticket.
7:54 It was really nice of China to leave space for ad breaks throughout the ceremony. Is the whole night going to be like this? 'Cuz I'm not sure how many times I can take that Bank of America cheering promo.
7:57 Shit, it's the Chinese Keith Lockhart!
7:59 Bush is walking in; pretty much everyone is ignoring him. God, I wish that were true here. Wait, I think he's trying to sit in someone else's seat. They're comparing tickets ...
8:00 Fuck, these drummers are amazing. Plus, all their heads are bleeding.
8:02 They're doing LED banners. In drums. And then they blew up the stadium.
8:04 They use fireworks like they invented them or something.
8:07 I'm glad they got those Philipine prisoners a gig at the Olympics.
8:13 Apparently the ceremony will touch on Confuscianism, Buddhism and Taoism. Can you imagine if the Atlanta Games' ceremony was themed around Mormonism, Scientology and Snake-Handlingism?
8:16 Parade of the Chubby, Spoiled Only Children.
8:17 Screw you kids, we have guns, we're taking the flag. The Chinese army takes the flag away from the little chubbos.
8:18 Chinese national anthem.
8:21 I assume the British Olympic committee is watching this and thinking, "How the hell are we going to follow this?"
8:23 Two words: Guy Ritchie.
8:24 It's official: the Chinese have invented the world's biggest telly. It's a 500+-foot LED screen.
8:26 It's okay, London can trot out Amy Winehouse for entertainment. Presuming she's alive.
8:30 A whole bunch of dudes wearing paper dresses are doing a full-voiced Chinese version of what I assume is "Lllllet's get ready to rrrrrummmbllllle!"
8:32 If the Chinese are rubbing it in this much about inventing paper and printing, I'm afraid of how they'll cover inventing gunpowder.
8:39 The director of the opening ceremony is apparently named Jon Emo.
8:40 Uh-oh. We're about to see the world's largest frat initiation ceremony.
8:44 I believe the political effect of the ceremony is to make everyone in the world think "I, for one, welcome our new ant overlords."
8:48 Oh my God, they are erecting columns in the field. Heh-heh, erecting.
8:51 Now it's Chinese Little Richard sitting with a Mini-Me at the piano and surrounded by green-neon-clad Oompa Loompas.
8:55 The neon Oompa Loompas just built a replica of the stadium by sitting on each other's shoulders. This is completely insane.
8:57 This really is redonk. Just when you think they can't possibly do anything more technologically or choreographically or cinematographically advanced, they go one. Step. Further. It's almost as though they're saying, "Screw you, so-called advanced West. We only don't kick your ass now because we're waiting until we can buy you outright."
9:00 I call bullshit. It's been a full hour and nobody has flown twenty feet in the air to deliver a roundhouse kick to the head.
9:05 I hope Sting now feels assured that the Chinese do love their children too.
9:10 Holy crap. they've conquered gravity. One can only assume time travel is next. No, wait, even better: they're unveiling the Death Star. With people doing somersaults around it.
9:12 Here comes Sarah Brightman to ruin an otherwise perfect evening.
9:15 Perhaps the environmental situation in Beijing wouldn't be so bad if they didn't shoot off a crapload of fireworks every ten minutes.
9:17 Parade of nations is next, says the pompous little person on NBC. We're opening up a new entry.
Drag queen names found on Facebook
Crystal D'Canter
Ophelia Balls
Lidia Box
Mandy Gap (in London, of course)
Cameille Humps
Tanya Hyde
Donna K-Bab
Sally Monella
Amy Lamé
Heidi Liscious
Chan-Don Moet
Izzie Moist
Miss Cookie Monstrar
Elaine Stretched
Dilwhorous Van Pum-pum
Wilma Fingadoo
Rhoda Hoarse
Ria Enders
Ophelia Balls
Lidia Box
Mandy Gap (in London, of course)
Cameille Humps
Tanya Hyde
Donna K-Bab
Sally Monella
Amy Lamé
Heidi Liscious
Chan-Don Moet
Izzie Moist
Miss Cookie Monstrar
Elaine Stretched
Dilwhorous Van Pum-pum
Wilma Fingadoo
Rhoda Hoarse
Ria Enders
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Olympics Opening Ceremony Live Blog
Limeyg and I will be live-blogging the Olympics Opening Ceremony on Friday evening (August 8.) Coverage starts at 7:30 and goes on until 12. We're prepping our Bob-Costas-is-really-short jokes as I type.
Our Long National Nightmare is Over
I'm so glad that Mr. Interception himself has been traded from the pressure-packed Packers to the leisurely low-expectations of the Jets. Moving from the white-hot media glare of Wisconsin to a perennial loser, we won't have to hear about him anymore on the news.
Wait, it's the New York Jets? We're doomed.
Wait, it's the New York Jets? We're doomed.
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