2:40 PM - The pre-game stuff is terribly European: a dance interpretation of the tournament results with all 16 teams being represented by turrets covered in colored balloons arranged like each country's flag. After each "round" they released the balloons of the losing team. Meanwhile the Austrian/Swiss people were represented by extras from Falco's "Rock Me Amadeus" video. The theme song for the tournament was sung by Enrique Iglesias, who sang in English. Too bad there are no actual Engish-speaking nations represented in the tournament.
2:45 PM - The game starts. LimeyG helpfully lets me know that German player Schweinsteiger's name roughly translates to "pig mounter." I can just see Chupa Puerco heartily agreeing.
2:50 PM - After five minutes of play LimeyG determines that every single man on the field is "fugly." Well, it could have been Turkey-Russia instead.
2:57 PM - It's 11 minutes in and the Spanish have yet to mount any kind of decent offensive charge. Meanwhile, the Germans have had a couple of decent chances and just won a corner. Their trains also run on time.
3:00 PM - Since the Spanish can't score on their own, the Germans helpfully almost make an own goal at the 14th minute.
3:04 PM - ABC just mentioned that Real Salt Lake will be featured in next week's MLS game. It is incomprehensible that Salt Lake City could have a team with a name even more misleading than the Jazz.
3:07 PM - After about 15 minutes of play the Spanish finally got that Enrique Iglesias song out of their heads and have now begun to dominate the game.
3:09 PM - Spain's Fernando Torres heads a ball right into the post at the 22nd minute. The Spanish should have really scored there. Meanwhile, LimeyG claims there's a naked guy in the front row. Thank God we don't have HD.
3:15 PM - This has turned into a completely wide open attacking game. You can tell there's no Italians or Frenchmen anywhere near the field as there is precious little flopping and crying.
3:19 PM - SPAIN 1, GERMANY 0. Torres outruns two German defenders and boots the ball lightly right over a sliding Lehman to put the Spaniards ahead.
3:21 PM - Spain almost scores again. LimeyG points out that if Spain wins we can expect any Spanish-speaking people in the area to drive around in their cars honking and yelling, but you can't expect anything if the Germans win. I disagree. You can expect to see tanks rolling.
3:23 PM - Germany's Ballack gets accidentally headbutted in the eye. While he's bleeding all over the place, they stitch him up in the sidelines then send him back out there. It all takes about three minutes. Yes, he's hardcore.
3:26 PM - The Germans keep pressing, winning a series of corners even while playing a man down. Ballack had to stay out until they wiped all the blood off his face and uniform. However, he can still wear as much Axe Body Spray as he wants.
3:29 PM - The referee hands out yellow cards to Spain's goalkeeper Casillas and Germany's Ballack for arguing. We suspect he was called a "chupa pinga" and a "Wurstsauger" respectively.
3:32 PM - Halftime brings up the question of why are there no ads for Spanish cars?
LimeyG's halftime summary: We just watched 45+ minutes of fugly, sweaty men with greasy hair running around a field. Soon, they'll do it again. Meanwhile, it's a gorgeous day outside. Why are we sitting on the couch watching TV?
Oh wait--they just showed some cute Spanish fan chickie bouncy-bouncing up and down happily. Maybe it's worth staying around for the second half.
El's halftime summary: When MY PEOPLE left the Canary Islands in the late 19th Century, they came to Puerto Rico with a dream. I believe the dream was to tend cattle in a different part of the world, but the point remains: Go Spain!
3:48 PM - We're back for the second half. I could totally go for some jamon serrano and sangria right now.
3:52 PM - After five minutes the Spaniards are in full Italian defense mode, fouling like crazy and even kicking some dude in his Ballacks. They're not pushing things on offense as much now.
3:58 PM - All of a sudden the Spanish are back on the attack getting three decent chances to score. The game is exciting again.
4:00 PM - Germany brings in a substitute named Kevin Kuranyi who is the most Mexican-looking German I have ever seen. He looks like a skinnier younger less-pockmarked Danny Trejo.
4:04 PM - Two, no wait, three solid German chances in a row, but they end up with nothing. Angela Merkel is in the house. Couldn't tell how many beers she had already.
4:05 PM - Yet another German chance. Sadly, the Spanish are not known for their "attention to detail" so this could be tied at any time.
4:06 PM - Spain's Silva lightly headbutted one of the Germans almost starting a fight. God I miss Zidane, he really knew how to pull that off.
4:09 PM - I should point out that Spain's manager is old enough to be John McCain's dad.
4:10 PM - Even with two guys allowed to be offsides, Spain fails to score.
4:11 PM - Spain blows another chance to score. They are out-shooting the Germans 11-4, yet I still get the sinking feeling they are going to screw it up Spanish Armada-style.
4:12 PM - Almost like in a video game, there is no action happening in the middle of the field. They shoot on one end, they shoot on the other. It's quite awesome.
4:14 PM - Thunderstorm's a coming.
4:15 PM - It may be nice if ABC did not place their graphics right over where the ball is on the screen.
4:17 PM - Spain's Torres gets called for a yellow card because as he and a German go up for a ball, the German gets an ouchie in his head. The announcers rightfully call bullshit on the call.
4:21 PM - Torres comes out fo Guiza, the idiot who blew a penalty kick against Italy. Channel 5 takes the opportunity to interrupt the game and tell us there will be a thunderstorm. Because I couldn't read the crawl going through the bottom of the screen the whole second half. Thanks, assholes.
4:24 PM - The Spanish just miss an open-net opportunity. Years and years of watching the Red Sox have prepared me for what can happen next.
4:26 PM - Note to WCVB: when they break away from the game to show bouncing Spanish chicks in the stand, that's good; when you cover the bottom of the screen with news about yet another thunderstorm, that's bad.
4:30 PM - Three minutes of regular time. Mexican-German Kuranyi draws a silly yellow card. The Germans are getting desperate and if the Spanish are good at anything, it's wasting time.
4:32 PM - Why do they keep showing hairy shirtless dudes in the stands? I mean really.
4:33 PM - The Germans blow another chance and Pig-Mounter complains to no avail.
4:35 PM - We just saw way more Spanish dude groin than we really needed to see.
4:37 PM - WOOOOO!!!! After all these years, my team finally wins!!!!
4:38 PM - Germans rush out en masse to set up their towels on deserted Spanish beaches.
4:40 PM - Madrid's on fire. That was quick. Oh no, the Spanish are hoisting McCain's dad in the air. Has any manager suffered a heart attack right after winning a major international tournament?
4:43 PM - From The Guardian's much more informed live blog:
The sorry truth dawns: This, of course, now means the title of Perennial Hapless Comedy Under-Achievers in international football is vacant. Who could step up to the plate for that, do you think?
El's hint: The likely team was not involved in this tournament. Mostly because they are hapless comedy under-achievers.
4:47 PM - Not that the outcome was predetermined, but the Euro Cup trophy already had red and yellow ribbons tied around it.
4:51 PM - WCVB's Mike Wankum cuts into the trophy ceremony to tell us that there is a goddamn thuderstorm coming. Just like every other day this week. Is this what TV is going to be like when global warming gives us Puerto Rico's weather full time?
4:53 PM - LimeyG remarks that the trophy ceremony looks remarkably like the Kitty Halftime show from Puppy Bowl III.
El's game summary: So chorizo triumphs over knockwurst, Rioja over Riesling and sloth over industry. "¡Que viva España!"
LimeyG's game summary: One of the German players was called Torsten Frings, which sounds like some savory snack. At one point, one of the announcers said of him, "Torsten Frings brings it!" which sounds like the snack company's attempt to come up with a hip, snappy slogan to get the kids to buy it.
Soccer fans are known for singing throughout the match; most notable tunes from the stands today included the Bride's Grand March Entrance from Verdi's Aida and the bass hook from the White Stripe's "Seven Nation Army." And they say culture is dead.
Can we go outside now?
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5 comments:
In the grand tradition of Americans everywhere...
New England Patriots first preseason game in 38 days! At least our guys have the good sense to wear helmets to cover their fugliosity.
Nice writeup. But I noticed you left out the "Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooal!!!"
Or is that in the same category as "cowboy up" these days?
Here's the opening ceremony for your pointing-and-laughing pleasure.
We watched the game in English, which may have been a mistake as soccer is way more exciting in Spanish.
As for the Patriots, please note that the game took less than two hours to play and at no point did the action grind to a halt so middle-aged guys in striped shirts could watch TV.
But had we watched in Spanish, we'd have missed the excitable Scottash announcer yelling, "PICK THE BONES OUT OF THAT ONE!"
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