Everything you need to know about Eurovision 2013

There is NO POINT watching this year's Eurovision Song Contest, because the obvious best song, from Estonia, was knocked out in that country's qualifying round.

I smell a conspiracy. It's probably because the Estonian government knows the song would blow all others out of the water and they'd need to pony up the dough to host next year's competition.
And that's why you won't hear Winny Puhh's transcendent "Meiecundimees üks Korsakov läks eile Lätti" on May 18.

So hear it now.

Everything you need to know about Eurovision 2012

There's no need to go into too much detail here; Eurovision is this Saturday. It's in Baku, which (as you all know) is the capital of Azerbaijan. And it's there because the 'baijanis won last year. Let's just get it out the way and start with the Russian entry, which is obviously going to win (just watch the video and tell me I'm wrong).

 

This, much like Lordi, is an anomaly. Most Eurovision songs are throwbacks to '90s pop, churned through a Blandifier 3000, sung by eye-candy. To wit, Cyprus:

 

 But then there's all other kinds of crazycrappy stuff, like the entry from The Netherlands (Kyle, avert your eyes).

   

From Ireland, the we-ate-all-the-candy-and-then-drank-all-the-Red-Bull duo Jedward:

 

And, sadly, two acts that didn't make it past the semi-finals. From Austria, the brilliantly named Trackshittaz, singing "Woki mit deim Popo."

 

And from Montenegro, a man known simply as Rambo Amadeus.

 

 Never mind, boys. There's always next year.

My favorite journalist

Autistic reporter Michael Falk of the Onion News Network:


Autistic Reporter Covers Gathering Of Crying People

Autistic Reporter: Train Thankfully Unharmed In Crash That Killed One Man

Hipster album + hipster instrument =

It had to happen.

"Neutral Uke Hotel's mission statement is simple: to unite obsessed fans of Neutral Milk Hotel for a live performance of their critically acclaimed "In the Aeroplane Over the Sea" album, played in its entirety on ukulele ..."

"King of Carrot Flowers" by Neutral Uke Hotel from FamJam Productions on Vimeo.

Brighton Music Hall, Allston, Wednesday.

Not the voice I was expecting

Deleted Scenes from The Town

According to the always reliable IMDB, the original cut of Ben Affleck's The Town was four-hours long. Clearly, this wasn't going to be workable, so the movie was trimmed to a more accessible 125 minutes. Given the movie's faithful rendition of Boston and the overall tone, I think we can easily imagine what those extra 115 minutes may be:

• Four separate scenes totaling 20 minutes of the gang cursing the ineptitude of the Red Sox bullpen and its use by manager Terry Francona. In one of the intermediate cuts, these scenes were edited down to a montage of Affleck repeatedly saying "re-tah-ded" for a full minute.
• A fifteen minute scene of Affleck driving his enormous Avalanche SUV around Charlestown trying to find street parking in the evening. Sample dialogue: "Another fucking hydrant! Motherfucker!"
• A ten-minute wordless and completely unexplained scene of Jon Hamm thougtfully sipping scotch and smoking a cigarette in his FBI office scored to a medley of 1964 pop hits.
• A five-minute sequence of the Rebecca Hall yuppie character walking with Affleck's townie character in Whole Foods. Affleck continuously asks what things are and whether people really pay so much for that shit.
• A ten-minute montage sequence showing Chris Cooper's participation in the annual Mooks vs. Micks softball game at MDC-Walpole.
• Fifteen different scenes totaling five minutes of cops either going in or hanging out at Dunkin' Donuts that were to be used as bumpers between scenes. Once the film was cut down to two hours, they went with only the aerial shots instead.
• A rambling ten minute barroom discussion where the gang agrees that, while they are not at all gay, they totally would blow Tom Brady.
• Ten more minutes of Affleck working out to show how buff he got for this film.
• Fifteen minutes of the gang stuck in traffic on Memorial Drive coming back from a job in Cambridge. Luckily for them, the cops are stuck as well.
• Fifteen minutes of Ben Affleck running down Lou Merloni's career in front of the gang, just to be a dick.

Clearly, the movie benefited from deleting this scenes. I'm sure we can look forward to seeing them eventually on the director's cut DVD.

The world's most awesome panda

The day before and the morning after

Yesterday, you were so toasted that even your flip-flops wanted nothing to do with you:



And today ... well ... you feel like a hungover owl.



"MY BRAIN IS SCREAMING. I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS SHIT."


"Man, I can’t ... I can’t deal with this right now."



"Bleh ... Jesus ... I’m like a drumstick made of shame."

This is why we can't have nice sandwiches

Move along, Grilled Cheese Burgermelt. Take a powder, Double Down.

From eater.com:

Restaurant chain Denny's updated its value menu with the Fried Cheese Melt, a sandwich made with "four fried mozzarella sticks and melted American cheese grilled between two slices of sourdough bread." Priced at a reasonable $4, it's served with french fries and a side of marinara sauce.

I'm sure that's the only context in which this sandwich and "reasonable" can be used in the same sentence.

The Swell Season covers Two Headed Boy

It's there, somewhere in-between Bud ads.


The Swell Season covers Neutral Milk Hotel