Everything you need to know about Eurovision 2012

There's no need to go into too much detail here; Eurovision is this Saturday. It's in Baku, which (as you all know) is the capital of Azerbaijan. And it's there because the 'baijanis won last year. Let's just get it out the way and start with the Russian entry, which is obviously going to win (just watch the video and tell me I'm wrong).

 

This, much like Lordi, is an anomaly. Most Eurovision songs are throwbacks to '90s pop, churned through a Blandifier 3000, sung by eye-candy. To wit, Cyprus:

 

 But then there's all other kinds of crazycrappy stuff, like the entry from The Netherlands (Kyle, avert your eyes).

   

From Ireland, the we-ate-all-the-candy-and-then-drank-all-the-Red-Bull duo Jedward:

 

And, sadly, two acts that didn't make it past the semi-finals. From Austria, the brilliantly named Trackshittaz, singing "Woki mit deim Popo."

 

And from Montenegro, a man known simply as Rambo Amadeus.

 

 Never mind, boys. There's always next year.