Cavalcade of cameos

Some films are worth watching just for the cameos and supporting roles. This was not one of them.

How can you go wrong with Patton Oswalt, Jason Bateman, Juliette Lewis, Carmen Electra, Judah Friedlander (as "Ice Cream Man"), Vince Vaughn, and Snoop D-o-double-muthafuckin-g? How can you go wrong when there's "your gun and badge on my desk" in the script?


Starsky and Hutch. Although you won't often fuck up blaming either Ben Stiller or Owen Wilson for failure, the writers' thin concept, flat jokes and director's insipid delivery are all at fault in this unnecessary retread.

The photo says it all: "We could show the cheerleader's tits. No, let's just hold endlessly on Owen Wilson reacting to her tits. Yeah! Owen -- do your stuttering thing. Like you've never seen tits before. It'll be hi-larious! They'll eat that shit up!"

Houses Now Cheaper Than a Pabst Blue Ribbon

House values in the Detroit area have fallen to the point that the median price in December was $7,500. Some are even selling for $1 or less. At least they still have the Detroit Lions.

Put it in a (Super) Bowl!

The Arizona Cardinals and the Pittsburgh Steelers will meet in Super Bowl 43. (I am not a Roman citizen, damnit!) That can only mean one thing....

The Return of Put it in a Bowl (PiiaB)! For those gentle readers who were not privy to the saga last year during the SB timeframe, PiiaB is my attempt to bring all of the best flavors into one mouthwatering bundle of goodness. My own special Failure Pile in a Sadness Bowl.

How, you ask, does one make such ambrosia? Well, it is a multi-step (but single bowl) process.

Ingredients:
1. One 6-pack Hillshire Farms Cheddarwurst (Johnsonville Beddar Cheddars acceptable substitute)
2. 16 oz. Tater tots
3. 3-5 Jumbo Eggs
4. One 15 oz. can corned beef hash
5. Something cheezy and viscous (i.e. Cheez Whiz, Industrial Grade “Cheese” substitute or, in this case, Fritos Cheese dip)
6. Horseradish, to taste. I like a kick, so I use a lot.
7. Pickles. I use kosher dill halves, but this is where you can be creative.
8. Some type of crunchy potato chippy thing for crispness as a garnish. I used to use Doritos Four Cheese (I do like my cheese), but that is no longer made, so I settled for Doritos Spicy Nacho this time.

Steps:
a. Have an assistant. Picture 1 shows my assistant, Wally


b. Preheat oven to 450 degrees. The tater tots take the longest and we need those fairly early in the assembly process. My brand took about 18 minutes, so I started those 10 minutes before everything else.
c. Put the corned beef hash in a skillet and cook for a few minutes until it starts to brown. Add horseradish to taste – I used three heaping tablespoons – and cheezy substance. Picture 2 shows that amalgam.


d. Start the Cheddarwurst cooking in the microwave. Make sure to poke holes in the casing or they’ll ‘splode. Amusing, but not good for the timeline. For 6 links, it should take about 3:30.
e. By this time, the tater tots are ready. Take them out and while still hot, mash them up. This is the base of your concoction. Put it in a bowl.
f. The corned beef hash/horseradish/cheez is ready now. This should be slightly soupy and will mesh nicely with the potato base and other solids. Put it in a bowl – the same one, mind you. This is a one-bowl presentation.
g. Take the same skillet that just had the corned beef and re-use for 3-5 jumbo eggs. These should cook quickly as the skillet is still hot and the hash mixture that did not go into the bowl will absorb into the eggs. We will slightly scramble, but add nothing else. Let them cook for a few minutes.
h. The Cheddarwurst just buzzed! Take them out and dice them up. Put it in a bowl.
i. Select 4-5 nice kosher dill halves. Dice them up. Put it in a bowl.
j. The eggs are done. Put it in a bowl.
k. Crumble two handfuls of chips over the entire concoction (i.e. “Put it in a bowl”)
l. Toss like you would a greasy, salty, delicious, artery-clogging salad. The result is shown on picture 3. It really tastes better than it looks. I can hear you salivating through the interweb.


m. Enjoy hot. It is also good when it cools and starts to clump. You can reheat or eat cold the next day.

Everything in this wondermeal (except possibly the horseradish and pickles) are legitimate breakfast foods as well, so it is not just a dinner entrée, but can be enjoyed at any time of the day or night.

You're welcome. I can be reached here to be notified of my nomination for the 2009 James Beard Foundation Award.

Ads you will never see on American television #452

Mildly NSFW.

More Things That Make Me Laugh

Two quick ones:

1) Matt Taibbi Eviscerating Thomas Friedman, Again
In 2005, Matt Taibbi wrote the definitive review of Thomas Friedman's best-selling yet unreadable shitpile The World is Flat. This week, Taibbi reviews Friedman's latest brain-dead missive in impressively negative fashion.

2) Runnin' With The Songsmith
For reasons I don't care to look up, the isolated vocal track for Van Halen's Runnin' with the Devil is widely available. Also, for reasons I don't quite undertand, Microsoft has a product called Songsmith that generates a musical track for any given vocals. Thus we have this glorious marriage of Diamond Dave and cold programming logic.

HOO-AHH!!!

After watching him chew up his lines, the scenery and gutless 60 Minutes producers in The Insider, I've gone off on a Pacino jag. My latest find is Sea of Love, a 1989 procedural that might have been easy to miss on release, but has aged better than most of its contemporaries. (We're all still waiting for the Look Who's Talking retrospective at the Brattle...)

Pacino is a 20-years-on-the-force heavy drinking NYC detective, who passes on retirement to hunt a serial killer. Ellen Barkin and Her Generous Rack is Pacino's Love Interest and Suspect #1.

Sea of Love is packed to the gills with familiar character-actor faces (what's the opposite of has-been? Will-be?), including Michael O'Neill, who later made his bones as Bartlet's secret service chief on West Wing. Another future West Wing roller John Spencer gets a few lines in the obligatory your-shield-and-piece-on-my-desk Lieutenant role. Pre-Royale-With-Cheese / Tyranny-Of-Evil-Men-Jules Samuel Jackson plays, uuh, "Black Guy." You can't make this shit up. That's one step up the career ladder from Jackson's stellar performance as 'Gang Member #2" in Ragtime, I guess. Rounding out the cast is the venerable CK model John Goodman, Pacino's partner and occasional waiter.

If you were to leave out Barkin's wardrobe (as she herself does, often enough), there is little to date this picture to the tacky 80s. NYC is still more gritty 70s gangland than Disneyland. Pacino's drunk-dialing-the-ex-wife cop stays barely sober enough to do his job. There isn't a cellphone to be seen. All that is missin is a waka-chica waka-chica funk soundtrack and B-roll of bums standing around burning barrels. And the barman pouring Pacino's "Double Dewar's" order out of a Jack Daniels bottle -- what, you thought we wouldn't catch that?

Sex, booze, violence, suspense: solid three stars.

Things That Make Me Laugh

The following is a collection of assorted crap I find hilarious right now:

1) Baby Mangino

It started off innocently enough, with proud parents dressing up their tubby toddler as Kansas head football coach/gigantic fatty Mark Mangino. Somehow, this photo ended up on Deadspin, becoming enough of a sensation to warrant nomination for their annual Sports Human of the Year Award (SHOTY.) Lo and behold, the chubby child went from 11th seed to finalist, facing off against award-winning author/loudmouth Luddite Buzz Bisinger, whose most notable accomplishement was cursing out Deadspin editor Will Leitch on HBO. This final battle has even prompted a human interest story on a local TV news station. Personally, I've voted for the baby several times, because after several weeks of seeing that fat face, I still find the photo hilarious.

2) The Viz description of Steve Irwin's death

As they so eloquently put it: "he was stang off a fish."

3) Enrazzlement

The aforementioned Viz enclosed a 2009 calendar titled Enrazzlement in their December issue, described as "The Periodical that Effects Tumescence in the Male Generative Member." It features lovely photos of Victorian maids showing off their ankles. A typical monthly description reads like this:

Miss June

One of Rose's dearest undertakings is attending to the dusting of the withdrawing room. In this delectable series of gravures, our photolithographer has encapsulated her whilst she is paying singular attention to the bell jars. Oh, posits The Editor on behalf of his many gentlemen patrons, that she would pay an homogeneous attention to ours.

4) Imaginary conversation with Steve Martin

From the always-amusing Mediation Tumblr site. Sample line: "Okay. Well, new topic then. Did I ever tell you I loved the 1983 Seattle Seahawks?" Just read it.

All work and no play

They finally published Jack Torrance's book.

Kinda sorta.