How to sink a boner in three easy steps

First, you start Googling [tricia helfer playboy] and you find some really nice shots.

Second, after inadvertently closing the window, you search on [tricia helfer photos] and find a whole bunch of results.

And then, after clicking on one, you see a link to cosplaytrainwreck.com and discover a whole section called Too Fat to Wear That.

Mission accomplished.

I got yer Christmas spirit right here

I always though that Potterville would be a great place to live. Decadent, yet built upon sound financial principals. The Consumerist agrees.

Look at me. I'm giving out wings.

Lewis Lapham Mad Libs!

The Bush administration's forbearance as Gen. Pervez Musharraf proclaims, like [vainglorious monarch], that [famous megalomaniacal statement] recasts [open Gibbon's Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire to any random page, close eyes, plunge finger into text, and insert here a précis of incident described therein] as opera bouffe. The sham outrage teases forth memories of the contortions displayed by [famous Ottoman acrobat of the 15^th century] or the prevarications of [obscure three-fingered gangster of the 1930s] as the Katie Courics and Wolf Blitzers of their day distracted the starving masses with [celebratory ritual performed by an island-based indigenous people] and competitions to mimic the cry of the mighty [extinct animal from the Cretaceous period].

http://www.slate.com/id/2177912/

I need to brush up on my German

Obersalzburg: It's The Office, but with Hitler.

More 2008 Hoomin of the Year Nominations

Since I left some obvious candidates from the first installment, let's do another.

Elliott Spitzer
The former governor of New York only did two notable things this year, but they were huge. First, he joined Ted Kennedy in the list of Top Ten Most Shockingly Sudden Falls from Grace by a Major Politician (see the two-part special on C-Span 3.) Second, he introduced the handy three- to seven-diamond scale for rating prostitutes. Sadly, the cheap bastard only sprung for a three.

Nate Silver
At the beginning of the year, Nate Silver was an anonymous Baseball Prospectus author, notable mostly for not being the one who changed gender. But after the success of the election predictions in his fivethirtyeight site, he got a $700K advance for writing two books and became a fixture on cable news programs like the Colbert Report.

Paul Krugman
Other than winning a Nobel Prize, being proven right on many of his criticism of the current administration, getting the perfect chance to rerelease a book about Depression Economics and being on every cable news show ever, it wasn't a notable year for Prof. Krugman. At this point his NYT blog is required reading.

Voting begins next Wednesday when the election committee meets.

Monkey jockeys for all your promotional needs

"If you love pig racing, you'll go ape for the Banana Derby!"

Yakuza. Ninjas. Tempura. Schoolgirl outfits.

Crap British Santa's village incites violence, closes

"One of the elves got smacked in the face and pushed in a pram."

But despite this resounding seal of approval, Lapland New Forest has closed down.

The 2008 TNPP Hoomin of the Year Nominations

As the end of the year nears, it is important for us to reflect on the past 12 months. So in the tradition of publications scrambling to fill late December issues with pre-written content before the whole staff goes on vacation, here are some of my nominees for the prestigious 2008 Thursday Night Party People Hoomin of the Year designation.

Dustin Pedroia
Went from .200 hitter picked on by Jerry Remy, of all people, for being unable to hit in April of 2007 to being Rookie of the Year and starring on a World Series Championship that year. Then this year he was an All-Star, won a Gold Glove, a Silver Slugger and AL MVP. Moreover, he remained a self-confident asshole throughout.

Axl Rose
Waited 17 years to release Chinese Democracy to lukewarm reviews and a decaying music distribution market during the worst economic condition since the Great Depression. What he lacks in swiftness he makes up in timing. And he still owes me a Dr Pepper, no matter what he says.

Sarah Palin
Went from anonymous to appealing to amusing to appalling in record time. After the election went back to Alaska with the faith of the Republican base, the unending hatred of the left and a crapload of new fancy clothing. And I still don't understand what the hell she was talking about.

Don Draper/Dick Whitman (tie)
It seems pretty safe to state that Mad Men was the best dramatic show on TV this year and that Don Draper (or is it Dick Whitman) was its most complex and riveting character. Most importantly he was damn smooth.

John Maynard Keynes
This year saw a breakthrough in the long-running economic grudge match between monetarists and keynesianists. As our faltering economy nears a state that can best be described as a liquidity trap, the Federal Reserve is impotent to improve the economy with interest rate cuts. So it is that we are not only all subprime now, but we are also all Keynesians.

James Cagney sez:

"Now hold on there, that's real unhealthy, see? No wonder this country has an epidemic of obesity, see?"

Axel Rows vs. Dr Pepper

To follow on the article from a few days earlier about the Dr Pepper company giving out vouchers for a free soda based upon the long-awaited (dreaded?) release of Gun and Rose (plus featured performers) "Chinese Democracy," the attorney for the remaining Gun'N'Rose is spouting off.

Apparently, Dr Pepper is a horrible, horrible company for having built an advertising campaign around a 17-year old running joke. Then when the joke came true, they became a terrible, awful company for not personally handing out 300 Million cans of Dr Pepper to each and every qualifying American. (Sorry, Tennessee!)

"The redemption scheme your company clumsily implemented for this offer was an unmitigated disaster which defrauded consumers and, in the eyes of vocal fans, "ruined" the day of Chinese Democracy's release."

I suspect what ruined the day even more for any remaining fans is that they are 17 FUCKING YEARS OLDER THAN WHEN THE LAST ORIGINAL ALBUM CAME OUT.

Well, I guess as long as they spell your name right, any publicity is good publicity.

Edit: Dr Pepper has no punctuation since the '50's.