The Euro 2008 Final - Live Blog

2:40 PM - The pre-game stuff is terribly European: a dance interpretation of the tournament results with all 16 teams being represented by turrets covered in colored balloons arranged like each country's flag. After each "round" they released the balloons of the losing team. Meanwhile the Austrian/Swiss people were represented by extras from Falco's "Rock Me Amadeus" video. The theme song for the tournament was sung by Enrique Iglesias, who sang in English. Too bad there are no actual Engish-speaking nations represented in the tournament.

2:45 PM - The game starts. LimeyG helpfully lets me know that German player Schweinsteiger's name roughly translates to "pig mounter." I can just see Chupa Puerco heartily agreeing.

2:50 PM - After five minutes of play LimeyG determines that every single man on the field is "fugly." Well, it could have been Turkey-Russia instead.

2:57 PM - It's 11 minutes in and the Spanish have yet to mount any kind of decent offensive charge. Meanwhile, the Germans have had a couple of decent chances and just won a corner. Their trains also run on time.

3:00 PM - Since the Spanish can't score on their own, the Germans helpfully almost make an own goal at the 14th minute.

3:04 PM - ABC just mentioned that Real Salt Lake will be featured in next week's MLS game. It is incomprehensible that Salt Lake City could have a team with a name even more misleading than the Jazz.

3:07 PM - After about 15 minutes of play the Spanish finally got that Enrique Iglesias song out of their heads and have now begun to dominate the game.

3:09 PM - Spain's Fernando Torres heads a ball right into the post at the 22nd minute. The Spanish should have really scored there. Meanwhile, LimeyG claims there's a naked guy in the front row. Thank God we don't have HD.

3:15 PM - This has turned into a completely wide open attacking game. You can tell there's no Italians or Frenchmen anywhere near the field as there is precious little flopping and crying.

3:19 PM - SPAIN 1, GERMANY 0. Torres outruns two German defenders and boots the ball lightly right over a sliding Lehman to put the Spaniards ahead.

3:21 PM - Spain almost scores again. LimeyG points out that if Spain wins we can expect any Spanish-speaking people in the area to drive around in their cars honking and yelling, but you can't expect anything if the Germans win. I disagree. You can expect to see tanks rolling.

3:23 PM - Germany's Ballack gets accidentally headbutted in the eye. While he's bleeding all over the place, they stitch him up in the sidelines then send him back out there. It all takes about three minutes. Yes, he's hardcore.

3:26 PM - The Germans keep pressing, winning a series of corners even while playing a man down. Ballack had to stay out until they wiped all the blood off his face and uniform. However, he can still wear as much Axe Body Spray as he wants.

3:29 PM - The referee hands out yellow cards to Spain's goalkeeper Casillas and Germany's Ballack for arguing. We suspect he was called a "chupa pinga" and a "Wurstsauger" respectively.

3:32 PM - Halftime brings up the question of why are there no ads for Spanish cars?

LimeyG's halftime summary: We just watched 45+ minutes of fugly, sweaty men with greasy hair running around a field. Soon, they'll do it again. Meanwhile, it's a gorgeous day outside. Why are we sitting on the couch watching TV?

Oh wait--they just showed some cute Spanish fan chickie bouncy-bouncing up and down happily. Maybe it's worth staying around for the second half.

El's halftime summary: When MY PEOPLE left the Canary Islands in the late 19th Century, they came to Puerto Rico with a dream. I believe the dream was to tend cattle in a different part of the world, but the point remains: Go Spain!

3:48 PM - We're back for the second half. I could totally go for some jamon serrano and sangria right now.

3:52 PM - After five minutes the Spaniards are in full Italian defense mode, fouling like crazy and even kicking some dude in his Ballacks. They're not pushing things on offense as much now.

3:58 PM - All of a sudden the Spanish are back on the attack getting three decent chances to score. The game is exciting again.

4:00 PM - Germany brings in a substitute named Kevin Kuranyi who is the most Mexican-looking German I have ever seen. He looks like a skinnier younger less-pockmarked Danny Trejo.

4:04 PM - Two, no wait, three solid German chances in a row, but they end up with nothing. Angela Merkel is in the house. Couldn't tell how many beers she had already.

4:05 PM - Yet another German chance. Sadly, the Spanish are not known for their "attention to detail" so this could be tied at any time.

4:06 PM - Spain's Silva lightly headbutted one of the Germans almost starting a fight. God I miss Zidane, he really knew how to pull that off.

4:09 PM - I should point out that Spain's manager is old enough to be John McCain's dad.

4:10 PM - Even with two guys allowed to be offsides, Spain fails to score.

4:11 PM - Spain blows another chance to score. They are out-shooting the Germans 11-4, yet I still get the sinking feeling they are going to screw it up Spanish Armada-style.

4:12 PM - Almost like in a video game, there is no action happening in the middle of the field. They shoot on one end, they shoot on the other. It's quite awesome.

4:14 PM - Thunderstorm's a coming.

4:15 PM - It may be nice if ABC did not place their graphics right over where the ball is on the screen.

4:17 PM - Spain's Torres gets called for a yellow card because as he and a German go up for a ball, the German gets an ouchie in his head. The announcers rightfully call bullshit on the call.

4:21 PM - Torres comes out fo Guiza, the idiot who blew a penalty kick against Italy. Channel 5 takes the opportunity to interrupt the game and tell us there will be a thunderstorm. Because I couldn't read the crawl going through the bottom of the screen the whole second half. Thanks, assholes.

4:24 PM - The Spanish just miss an open-net opportunity. Years and years of watching the Red Sox have prepared me for what can happen next.

4:26 PM - Note to WCVB: when they break away from the game to show bouncing Spanish chicks in the stand, that's good; when you cover the bottom of the screen with news about yet another thunderstorm, that's bad.

4:30 PM - Three minutes of regular time. Mexican-German Kuranyi draws a silly yellow card. The Germans are getting desperate and if the Spanish are good at anything, it's wasting time.

4:32 PM - Why do they keep showing hairy shirtless dudes in the stands? I mean really.

4:33 PM - The Germans blow another chance and Pig-Mounter complains to no avail.

4:35 PM - We just saw way more Spanish dude groin than we really needed to see.

4:37 PM - WOOOOO!!!! After all these years, my team finally wins!!!!

4:38 PM - Germans rush out en masse to set up their towels on deserted Spanish beaches.

4:40 PM - Madrid's on fire. That was quick. Oh no, the Spanish are hoisting McCain's dad in the air. Has any manager suffered a heart attack right after winning a major international tournament?

4:43 PM - From The Guardian's much more informed live blog:

The sorry truth dawns: This, of course, now means the title of Perennial Hapless Comedy Under-Achievers in international football is vacant. Who could step up to the plate for that, do you think?

El's hint: The likely team was not involved in this tournament. Mostly because they are hapless comedy under-achievers.

4:47 PM - Not that the outcome was predetermined, but the Euro Cup trophy already had red and yellow ribbons tied around it.

4:51 PM - WCVB's Mike Wankum cuts into the trophy ceremony to tell us that there is a goddamn thuderstorm coming. Just like every other day this week. Is this what TV is going to be like when global warming gives us Puerto Rico's weather full time?

4:53 PM - LimeyG remarks that the trophy ceremony looks remarkably like the Kitty Halftime show from Puppy Bowl III.

El's game summary: So chorizo triumphs over knockwurst, Rioja over Riesling and sloth over industry. "¡Que viva España!"

LimeyG's game summary: One of the German players was called Torsten Frings, which sounds like some savory snack. At one point, one of the announcers said of him, "Torsten Frings brings it!" which sounds like the snack company's attempt to come up with a hip, snappy slogan to get the kids to buy it.

Soccer fans are known for singing throughout the match; most notable tunes from the stands today included the Bride's Grand March Entrance from Verdi's Aida and the bass hook from the White Stripe's "Seven Nation Army." And they say culture is dead.

Can we go outside now?

Bandwagon Jumping 101

This past Thursday was the NBA Draft. Like last year's, I saw it happening on TV at a bar, since the event seems to coincide with my annual participation in the Corporate Sellout Race Around Back Bay. That means it was about a year ago when the Celtics traded for Ray Allen, which seemed really dumb at the time. However, after the addition of the obviously insane Kevin Garnett it turned out to be the first step in turning the horrific game-tanking 24-win squad of the previous year into a legitimate championship contender this year.

The Celtics' run culminated last week at whatever the Boston arena is called these days against the Lakers, when they won their 17th championship. As you can see from the highlights, the Lakers barely bothered to play defense in the deciding game.


Being a half-assed NBA fan, I held off on fully jumping on the Celtics bandwagon until it was too late: my parents were in town for the finals and we were in Montreal for Game 6. That didn't stop me from repeatedly telling LimeyG about how MY TEAM was finally playing for THE CHAMPIONSHIP and I had waited SO MANY YEARS until WE WON. This started in the first round of the playoffs, so the hilarity level built as the weeks passed.

Anyway, upon returning from Canada I did get a chance to show off my fair-weather fandom during the Celtics celebration before last Friday's Red Sox-Cards game at Fenway. The celebration was planned to preceed the start of the game, just after the playing of the Anthem. Unfortunately at the very moment the three green duck boats carrying players and staff came out from centerfield a rainstorm began. As we were sitting unprotected in the bleachers, we ran for cover down to the concourse.



We did come back out after the rain let up a bit and the duck boats passed in front of our area. So I got to yell "WOOO, PAUL PIERCE!" like everybody else and I really did feel like I got the perfect fair-weather fan experience: I got to cheer when it was convenient for me to do so.

(By the way, I should note that the Celtics Leprechaun mascot is not really a small person like LimeyG first thought, but rather a normal-sized person standing next to the likes of Big Baby Davis. He's actually taller than Dustin Pedroia. I know that doesn't say much.)

I am currently taking the same approach to the Euro 2008 tournament. Thanks to England's shameful elimination in the preliminaries I felt free to support whichever team struck my fancy. I settled on Spain because I speak the language, I like their food and they've made it to the finals. If they beat the Germans on Sunday I expect to parade in front of Dalí yelling "¡Que viva España!" because that is the type of soccer fan I am.

Best SOSH Posts about Euro 2008

In reference to today's Germany-Turkey game:

"Holy Jeebus! As a Jew of Armenian decent, I can't decide which team I want to lose more. "

Then the follow-up after Germany defeated Turkey 3-2:

"Well, now that Holocaust beat Armenian Genocide, I'm all about Spain. If fucking Pogrom manages to beat Spain, then I think I'll just root for a cluster bomb to fall on the stadium in the final."

Somebody then had to bring up the expulsion/forced conversion of the Jews during the Spanish Inquisition in 1492. It's all so complicated.

Other Fine Cameos

Following up on an earlier discussion, the AV Club presents their list of 19 Great Cameos. I had forgotten Topher Grace's stellar turn playing himself as a complete TV star doofus in Ocean's 11. I was pretty sure that during the poker game George Clooney advised him to stay on TV and not go into movies, but maybe it was a deleted scene.

Somehow we also missed Alfred Molina in Boogie Nights. I'll never hear Sister Christian by Night Ranger the same way again.

He Would Have Wanted It This Way

For posterity:

Shit.
Piss.
Fuck.
Cunt.
Cocksucker.
Motherfucker.
Tits.

Truly, a sight to behold

Driving toward Portland, ME, we stopped at a light. And this guy pulled up next to us.



The photo would be better, but I was laughing too hard and discussing his moppishness.

He's Running Like a Tremendous Machine

In light of Big Brown's epic FAIL yesterday at the Belmont Stakes, I felt I should share footage of the 35th Greatest Athlete of the 20th Century. This is the 1973 Belmont Stakes and here are some things to keep in mind while watching:

• Secretariat had won the first two legs of the Triple Crown by 2 1/2 lengths over Sham, the horse that runs close to him over the first minute of this race.
  
• After the first minute of the race, Secretariat really takes off. As this was a 1 1/2 mile race, about as long as a racehorse would ever run, it was not clear whether he could keep up that pace.
  
• It's normal for horses to have slower times for each subsequent quarter mile they run, yet Secretariat's times actually improved as the race went on.
  
• On the final stretch, his jockey Ron Turcotte turns back to see the rest of the field. This is his view.
  
• This is still the fastest any horse has run 1 1/2 miles on dirt.

Basically, if you've never really thought about horse racing in your life, but you feel you should at least have some general idea of why people are interested in it (beyond the gambling aspect) this is it. It's the equivalent of seeing one Orson Welles movie and choosing Citizen Kane. It's really all you need.

Really awesome stuff disguised as feminism

Ignore all the blah blah about marketing and go straight to the "most popular" link in the second paragraph.

Not safe for work, unless your work usually involves semi-clad young ladies rotating their pelvises rhythmically.

I find really awesome stuff online

Check out this awesome site I discovered. It allows you to read a novel disguised as a Powerpoint slide deck.

Damn, I'm awesome.

What?

Leading Off for Chicago...

Like a slow aging slugger the batting average may be ugly but The Onion still hits it out every so often.

That Was Freakin' Transcendental Paul McCartney!

Last week we finally watched Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story. It was an enjoyable comedy with the right mix of ridiculous rock star movie cliches and inane original touches. They picked the right way to approach the obligatory Elvis and Beatles meetings, play them as completely stupid "Hey look, I'm meeting someone famous" scenes. Typical dialogue:

Ringo Starr: And as Ringo Starr I'm not so interested in meditation, I just like to have fun. [holds up peace sign]
Dewey Cox: [laughs] I like the little one!

Given that this was a movie about a good comedic subject, with actors we usually like (John C. Reilly, Paul Rudd, Her Out of The Office) and written by Judd Apatow, why did it take us over a year to watch it?

I blame the marketing.

LimeyG and I often watch the 8PM rerun of the previous night's Daily Show and Colbert Report on Comedy Central. During that hour of television, we will be subject to seeing the trailer for whichever comedy comes out in the next couple of weeks about five or six times. (By the way, I estimate we have spent a full seven hours so far this year watching promos for Carlos Mencia's Cavalcade of Unfunny Stereotypes Show. ) After a few weeks of this, we get sick of the movie in question. Then the lukewarm reviews arrive, the attendance figures are deemed below expectations and the movie vanishes for six months. We forget it even existed.

Then it appears on cable or on Netflix. We go "why not?" and it turns out to be really enjoyable. It's happened with Let's Go to Prison, the Reno 911 Movie and Office Space. They all had terrible ads that made you think the movie was going to stink because they were aimed at the wrong audience. Why can't they start off with:

"In a world where jaded aging hipsters are sick of craptacular comedies, here comes a movie made by people from Arrested Development, The State, Beavis or Mr. Show. Seriously, this will not be ass."

That would work for me.

Farewell, Ellas Otha Bates

On the list of great rock 'n' roll guitarists, we all move up one place.